Starting all over again AGAIN!

[S.J.]

I have suffered with depression for 13yrs, for the last 5yrs I have also had anxiety and panic attacks. My life is not a life anymore, it's simply breathing and existing. I hate myself, who I've become. I hate not being able to go to the doctors or shopping without freaking out and sweating and shaking, I feel like a freak. I REALLY hate that I've begged for more than drugs to help me for the last 8-9yrs and had nothing more than counselling, which doesn't work for me. I've tried 3 times. I hate that the meds have to keep changing due to either not working anymore, not working at all or horrific side effects, and each time they change I feel like I'm starting from the beginning again!! Like one step forward 3 steps back. And my symptoms have gradually got worse over the years, more severe, more extreme and more difficult to push through/cope with. New meds, Cipralex 20mg, started last thursday so it's only day 5 of the beginning again! I'm tired, drained from having to make such an effort just to exist, it's so tough and it's gone on for so long that I don't actually know who I am anymore. I don't even know if the feelings/thoughts I have are me or the meds. I am now on the waiting list for CBT but I'm looking at a 6+ week wait. Waiting for the meds to kick in too. And now I've got the added panic of no money coming in because I've been off for 4wks already and today was signed off for another 3 weeks. And because I work part time and don't earn enough to pay N.I. I am not entitled to SSP. I feel like as soon as I start to cope a bit better something always happens to knock me down again. I can't do this much longer, I have no more strength in me...

[Charles23]

It is hard but youre not alone. With Cipralex you can get worse b4 you get better and 20mg whilst not a low dose is not high either. My doc has patients on 60mg. I suppose what I am trying to say is you have room to move with your docs advice I am 3 weeks in at 30mg soon to go to 40mg and am starting to feel the benefits. Read the section on Cipralex, there are a lot of success stories. And as my doc says medications are like reading glasses they work better when you wear them. I truly believe that depression and anxiety are just like asthma or diabetes - they are medical ailments that a lot of us have and they dont discriminate. You are not a freak and the fact that you have come to this forum and had the courage to put yourself out there is a great start. Good luck, have faith in your doc and the meds, browse this site and keep reaching out.

[cc]

Hello SJ.

I don't know if this will help at all but just reading your thread was scarily the same as all the things I say to myself on a daily basis - like looking in the mirror. i know as well as anyone that it will in no way be making you jump for joy that other people are suffering like you are, but hope it will help you to know that you are definitely not alone, even though it feels that way sometimes, and I know exactly how you are feeling. i feel a tiny bit better already to know that I am not alone, although I would not wish the way we feel on anybody. Chin up

[hopeless]

Hello S.J.
I too suffer with bouts of depression and have done for many years and now my anxiety/panic attacks have increased..It is at times a hellish existence and you start to wonder if you will ever feel normal again and be able to look to the future and experience any peace and contentment..It is also incredibly exhausting just getting up in the morning and facing the day ahead and anxiety/panic is so draining..I have just gone back on a low dose of Citalopram and have started to feel some improvement in mood/anxiety after 3wks.I can relate totally to how you feel. I hope that the meds kick in soon and you feel some benefit..I have had all sorts of therapy and some counselling but for me its never been completely successful. I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that i will probably always have bouts of depression with anxiety/panic but if i can manage it better with the aide of anti-deps then so be it..I look foward to the days when life is less cloudy and just hope that i can cope when i have my bad days.. Take care and let us know how you get on with the meds..

[S.J.]

i'm on 40mg now and i do feel a bit better but my situation 'life' wise seems to get worse everyday. eg I reported my living conditions to env health but he didn't listen to everything i told him. i've tried to reiterate everything and i'm getting nowhere. I filled in a council rehousing form and handed it in on monday (i felt in control) Now, because my landlady is pissed off she's got into trouble she's sending me a 3 month eviction notice (no longer in my control) and to top it off, all the fobbing off my landlady has got away with over the 9yrs i've been here has managed to fob off the authorities. I feel i'm chasing my tail, even when trying to take possitive actions to better my situation... I feel like there's no point in trying sometimes!!!

[bellabessnjet]

Hi,
Glad to hear your beginning to feel better, I was on Citralopram 20mg for 5 weeks no difference, was put up to 40 and after litterally a few days felt better now 3 weeks later I've had a good week, so dont give up.

Its so unfair about your housing situation, unfortunately you just have to keep on at them, hard I know if your down but may give you focus. Threaten the council that you'll go to the papers, take photos as evidence and really take it to them! I get so angry when people are ripped of and yet others get so much given to them and then they abuse it. Rant over.

Please remember none of this is your fault and with meds and help you will get there. Take care.
angela