I have suffered with depression for 13yrs, for the last 5yrs I have also had anxiety and panic attacks. My life is not a life anymore, it's simply breathing and existing. I hate myself, who I've become. I hate not being able to go to the doctors or shopping without freaking out and sweating and shaking, I feel like a freak. I REALLY hate that I've begged for more than drugs to help me for the last 8-9yrs and had nothing more than counselling, which doesn't work for me. I've tried 3 times. I hate that the meds have to keep changing due to either not working anymore, not working at all or horrific side effects, and each time they change I feel like I'm starting from the beginning again!! Like one step forward 3 steps back. And my symptoms have gradually got worse over the years, more severe, more extreme and more difficult to push through/cope with. New meds, Cipralex 20mg, started last thursday so it's only day 5 of the beginning again! I'm tired, drained from having to make such an effort just to exist, it's so tough and it's gone on for so long that I don't actually know who I am anymore. I don't even know if the feelings/thoughts I have are me or the meds. I am now on the waiting list for CBT but I'm looking at a 6+ week wait. Waiting for the meds to kick in too. And now I've got the added panic of no money coming in because I've been off for 4wks already and today was signed off for another 3 weeks. And because I work part time and don't earn enough to pay N.I. I am not entitled to SSP. I feel like as soon as I start to cope a bit better something always happens to knock me down again. I can't do this much longer, I have no more strength in me...