On Thursday I had my last counselling session after two years worth of appointments. I knew I would be upset after the session and that it would make a difference to how I think about things during the week but I am really feeling empty and lonely now. Counselling was like some sort of hope, even though I didn't necessarily talk about my problems there, there was the opportunity whereas with most others in my life I wouldn't really consider taking the risk. I feel so sad that I will never see or speak to my counsellor again and so afraid of forgetting her, her way of being, and what I have got from counselling. I can't help but feel bad about myself for wanting to see her more, as if it's inappropriate for me to feel that way. Even though we've discussed it and I had understood it, I am struggling again with confusion about why it had to end. We discussed in the session that there was no rule that said I must never see or try to contact my counsellor again and that reassured me for a moment but now I have returned to the idea that it is somehow forbidden for me to ever see or contact her. I just feel a need for her to be there because I'm struggling at the moment as I'm moving away to a new city and a new job. I guess I didn't realise how much of a support the counselling was and I now feel very alone without it, like there is no one who I could tell, who would want to understand how I'm really feeling about things. The closest I can get is discussion boards I use. I had begun to come to see people in a different light, as if I could really be myself with some of them without fear but now it is as if I am returning to feeling I must hide myself in order to be liked. I could be moving house in less than five days and I have done no packing because I am avoiding or resisting the change and the anxiety of it. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like giving up.
NB. I don't want this to reflect badly on my counsellor so please don't make negative judgments about her based on this.
(I would guess that those who really understand what counselling's about and the attitude that goes with it wouldn't do so but maybe I'm wrong there.)
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