Wishing i was someone else...

[Desprate Dan]

Hi everyone,

I lay alone in bed thinking about myself and who am i ?? The more i think the less i like the person i am, i try to think possitively about the good things people have said about me and how caring and helpful i am, but i cant see through this darkness...

I look down upon myself, longing to walk in someone else's shoe's, i meet people every day and wish i was more like them, more fun outgoing and possitive instead of stuck in this negative spiders web were i cant escape..

I am missing out on what should be the best part of my life through worrie of what people will think of me, i am not worthy, frightened of the future "whats round the next corner" why oh why cant i just let things go and drift down the stream letting things just happen along the way rather than trying as hard as possible to swim against the current, it feels like everyday i am fighting a battle with life..

I really cant see any purpose i have in this life try as i may, sometimes i feel its not really for me, sorry if thats a bit dark but thats how i feel..

I feel so guilty for going to the doctors i feel i am just a waste, but then i tell myself i need help and i should speak to the doctor, but then another voice says pull yourself together you should be ashamed stop being so stupid, the doctor will think you are wasteing his time. But apart from him and the lovelly people on here , i dont really have anyone i can speak to and think i am sinking deeper and deeper and i am frightened to were it will end, i only have a few freinds and i dont like to bother them with my troubles.. I feel so guilty for feeling like this and when i do go to the doctors i paint a brighter picture for fear of letting him down...

Tired of all this....

Dan

[Maj]

Hi Dan,

Your self-esteem is obviously very very low. If you are taking meds and attending your doctor I can't help wondering why you still feel as low as this. Please don't paint a different picture to your doctor. How can he help you if you don't explain to him how you really feel? Plus that's his job and what he's getting paid for. I think you could do with a bit more help because you can't go on feeling as low as this as you don't deserve it - no-one does. No-one is any better than you so please don't even go there. Struggling with anxiety does make you worn out and that's probably why you feel like you do. Please get more help from your doctor as you seem like a nice, sensitive person and don't deserve to go on feeling like this.
Take care
Myra

[JohnLuke300]

Hi Dan,

Your self-esteem is rock bottom. I used to feel the same as you, my opinion of myself was very low. And like you, I would beat myself up about it. But when I learned about my illness and how it affects me, my image of myself changed. I wrote down a list of all the thinks I liked about myself. I then wrote down a list of all the things I did not like about myself. The things I did not like about myself completely outweighed the things that I liked. But then I asked myself, of the things I didn't like about myself which ones were affected by my illness. I then started crossing out the ones that my illness had an impact upon. When I finished I realized that most of the things I didn't like about myself was because of my illness. The list of positive things now outweighed the negatives. I now realize that it is not me that I disliked but my illness. And that is the point, it is often our illness that has created our negative behavior not the person inside. If we overcome our illness, we release the person we truly are from their shackles. So now I use that to motivate myself to overcome these dreadful afflictions we all suffer. I no longer hate myself, I only hate my illness.

Take care,

John

[Desprate Dan]

Thanks John and Myra, for your kind words it really helps to just get a bit of possitive reasurance that its not me but my illness......

I really stuggle to understand depression and anxiety i cant stop myself thinking its just me (Pull yourself together) If only i could, i get so ashamed of the way i feel and i think about all the people in the world who have good reason to feel down and depressed, and i am not one of them (SO WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS)

I ask myself so many questions "probably to many if i am honest" Why this and why that, "what if" "who am i" were will i be in 5 years from now" "will i ever find happiness" just a few of the questions, i need to learn not to work myself into a panic about nothing.. Why do i think so much, just for instance i went to bed at 11.15 and have been awake since 2.50am,, I went to the doctors last monday because i couldnt cope with the trembling and nervous feeling, couldnt stop myself shaking, anyway i couldnt see my usual doctor so seen another, who upped my dose of Citalopram and put me on propranolol...................Now i am worried what my usual doctor will think of me when i go back to see him on the 9th of November... crazy i know, but feel like i have betrayed him, i feel so pathetic that i worrie about such small issue's...

Thank you all for your help and support and i know that everyone on here has troubles or i guess they wouldnt be looking on this forum in the first place, please understand it helps me release my thoughts and emotions by writeing on here, as really i have no one else to really talk too. so it helps me a great deal.. I worrie that people might think i feel sorry for myself or post for attention "Again thats my problem" I would really just like to thank you all as you all have troubles most of which are far greater than mine, yet you offer comfort to others, the likes of Bill and John are my inspiration, just like them one day i hope i can understand my feelings more and put thoughts into words better..

Dan

[Adelle]

Hi Dan, my heart aches for you. You seem so down. I know how you feel though and I often wish I was more like other people who just seem to sail through life. Everything is such a big deal to me. I mustered up the courage a month ago to go to the doctors and when I was in the consultation I broke down crying and told him how I feel. He was so fantastic and referred me to therapy. I had always been so scared of talking to a shrink but I knew I had to to gain my life back. Ive had 2 sessions and she is still trying to work me out but I feel good that at least I am fighting this. I have been put on Zoloft and hope this will make things a little easier soon. Oh and always remember..."the grass isnt always greener on the other side" People are very good at hiding their problems. To most of the people that know me they think I am the most confident, outgoing, relaxed and funny person they know. Ha. Little do they know the turmoil I go through. I should have been an actress. Hugs to you. Adelle

[Bill]

Worry, guilt, feelings of being unworthy and inferior etc...all just symptoms of anxiety and a low mood. Dan, try not to "think" too much. Get your mind to think about something you enjoy doing or find something to look forward to. You mustn't dwell so much on negative thoughts or you'll bring yourself down. Get out and meet people. Make some friends. Don't suffer alone in silence or you'll keep thinking too much.

If I'm honest though, I don't like me either! I wouldn't say purely because of anxiety. I just feel i should be doing so much more with my life. I don't feel I'm contributing enough.

It's funny though because people may say to me they don't like the way they look but then you're presented with their image of a princess and you're left wondering how they can think of themselves in such a way when they're so atttractive. I know it's because of the way others have treated them but it always amazes me when from what they've said you expect an ugly duckling but see instead a swan that can't see it's true reflection in the lake. It's always So Sad. Having said that, people often compliment me on my appearance but when I look in the mirror I can't see what they see. It's strange how we can't see ourselves as others view us.

When you look at others who appear so happy, I'm sure if asked they would give you stories of misery they've had to cope with. Life is never "only" full of happiness for everyone because we all have to go through our own periods of hurt and suffering. Some just conceal it better than others. Of course as sensitive people we "feel" more than others but that's not to say others are actually any happier.

If you asked the millionaire, I'm sure they'd say having the money makes their life feel happier but if they were sufferig from really bad health, I'm sure they'd rather be poor than that ill. Money isn't everything and nor is health. It's what we "are", what we "do" and what we contribute to others that is most important. After we're dead, we can't take our money with us and health is no longer important but the memory of us will live on in others so I believe it's not really what we do for ourselves that matters. For instance, you will say so many bad things about yourself but I'm quite sure that for every bad word you can think of about yourself there will be 10 good words that alot of people would say about you and that because of the things you've said on here and how you've treated others, people will never forget your name- Dan...wasn't he that caring guy who wrote such lovely things on nmp?

The Only person who is stopping you from being happy is You Dan because if you could find the courage to just reach out and be yourself with others, they would adore you and never want to lose you! If you don't believe me, I'll ask others to post to prove it!

Going back to how we hide our feelings, I can remember how shocked people were at work when my true feelings began to show when I became ill. They said I appeared so laid back when I was actually feeling so suicidal! We wear a mask without even realising it!

Around that time I wrote a poem about that mask and you reminded me of it so I thought you might relate with it....

Remember though, even if you feel consumed with tears within, make sure you keep smiling because smiles have a habit of healing because they attract others who then feel better too and start smiling back!.....

The melancholy clown

Feeling blue and holding a heavy frown,
Tears flowing to a lake in which he might drown,
Thinking only of those hateful, hurting, crushing lies,
Glistening and sore, his sad sorrowful painful eyes,

Cheeks aglow with blush of red,
The future before him feared with fateful dread,
A synthetic smile, wide, yet so melancholy,
Tearful rivers enlarging the dark void, not so jolly,

Centre of attraction, people laughing,
His hysterical face, his insides bursting,
Urged to jump, the lake below, full foreboding,
To hide, to be hidden, the need of offloading,

His pains, his fears, his anxieties,
His false face of securities,
Beneath his illusory flowery gown,
Away from view, this lonely melancholy clown.

[Desprate Dan]

Thanks Bill,

You are such a good poet, with such a good understanding of others.
Everything you say is so true, i always look at the negatives in myself and beat myself up about them, i too was very good at hideing the the hurt and misery i felt inside and still do to a certain extent, i use NMP to realease these feelings, as its easier for me and helps i dont like to burden anyone with my troubles.

As you said, like you i cant see what others see in me, just the other day a good friend who is much older than me said such a nice thing... He said if he had another son he would be very happy if it was "ME" he said because i posses so many good qaulitys as a person, this made me feel good that someone would be proud to have me as there son. I miss so much haveing my dad around and felt cheated when he died, i know i am older now an should stand on my own two feet, but growing uo with out that male role model to ask for help and advice i believe held me back as if i didnt want to grown up because there was so much i needed to know but was too frightened to reach out and ask incase others felt the question was stupid, so it was easier to say nothing..

Thanks Bill,

DAN

[Bill]

i know i am older now and should stand on my own two feet

Why??? How old should we be before we can? 20? 30? 80? I don't think age has anything to do with it Dan. Even an 80 year old needs comfort and support so don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do because deep down we all feel like that. We all need a friend!

I have a friend who is nearly 80. When I lost my father she was the only one who gave me a hug at his funeral. It was the only hug I received while I was losing him and since so I was always be indebted to her for that moment of comfort she gave me. Even when I came home after he had died, my wife asked if I was ok, I said I was, took the dog out and when I got back she carried on as if it was any other day.

10 years ago my friend lost her grandson at only 17 in a road accident. I only met him once shortly before. Earlier in the same year I lost my father, she lost her husband, also a good friend of mine, to the same illness. They were like second parents to me in my bad times. Earlier this year my friend also lost her son-in-law who lived in the house behind her.

She has always thought of others but never herself and when another friend lost his wife this year, she was the first to offer support.

The other day she rang me and told me she was feeling very upset because it was the anniversary of losing her grandson. While I was out I popped in to see her to make sure she was ok. She said to me that people always only ever see her "mask"- her smiling happy face, when deep down she is often struggling to hide back tears. I told her I'd mentioned how she was feeling to the friend she had supported and she told me she had never offloaded to him. Just supported him with his own upset. She started to cry and I told her if she needed someone to be there for her, she could always turn to me but then she said I have too much on my plate already. I just replied "So?" She was there for me when I needed a hug and she's always only ever thought of others so why shouldn't I be there for her.

You see Dan, she is nearly 80 years old and I bet she would say to you that she should be old enough now to stand on her own two feet. Why? We all need someone's shoulder to cry on when we are in need no matter how old we are. Age doesn't come into it.

I don't know how old you are but as you know you are always welcome to offload to me Dan because as your friend says......if he had another son he would be very happy if it was "ME" he said because i posses so many good qaulitys as a person. Remember those words....."GOOD qualities as a GOOD person because that's YOU!

[Desprate Dan]

Bill,

Thanks, You have such a way with words its such a special gift you have, the way you can lift others with your words and understanding of others needs.

After reading your post i felt so sad for the lady, i cant handle when i see others so upset it breaks my heart to see others crying, i can feel there pain inside and i get upset too. I understand that everyone gets hurt its just part of life, but i feel that i as a person have not really learnt how to handle my emotions, so for years i kept them all locked away inside putting on a false show for the benefit of others, but inside i was in so much pain, from time to time it would all build up and i would sit alone and cry and then would feel ashamed of myself for being so weak "This is not what men do" but why? I would feel like it was a fault with me.. I only ever seen my dad upset once and thats when he had the news that he was going to die, and that broke my heart, yet my mother and sister seemed to handle it so much better than me, i kept it all in when others were around, then i would sit on my own in the dark and cry.

This is something i cant understand in life if you truely love someone with all of your heart and are truely in love and they mean the world to you, how could you ever cope if something should happen to them and how could you live life without them.. I guess this is what frightens me so much, allowing myself to gets so attached that if i was to lose them, the pain i would not be able to bare..
I understand you have lots of problems of your own Bill and i really do wish i could help you, but you seem so good at helping others it seems only fair that i should and need to help you, but i feel so low because i dont know what i can do... See what i mean i am crying right now writeing this...
So sorry that i burden my troubles on you all, i know you say you dont mind but you have so much more to cope with, i really shouldnt do it, but i have no other way of expressing how i feel and no one i can really talk to.

Dan

[Bill]

After reading your post i felt so sad for the lady, i cant handle when i see others so upset it breaks my heart to see others crying, i can feel there pain inside and i get upset too.

It's called empathy Dan and it's a special quality that you have in limitless supply so feeling upset by others suffering shows how much you care which is nothing to feel bad about!

yet my mother and sister seemed to handle it so much better than me, i kept it all in when others were around, then i would sit on my own in the dark and cry.

How can you be sure they didn't cry when they were alone too? Maybe they didn't want to show how upset they were in front of you because they knew it would upset you. They must know how sensitive and caring you are so no doubt they wanted to protect you by not being upset in front of you. Maybe also they just don't show emotions like you but still felt the same pain. I know my mother would leave the room whenever she cried when I lost my father because she knew it would upset me to see her so upset. Things aren't always as they seem Dan.

This is something i cant understand in life if you truely love someone with all of your heart and are truely in love and they mean the world to you, how could you ever cope if something should happen to them and how could you live life without them..I guess this is what frightens me so much, allowing myself to gets so attached that if i was to lose them, the pain i would not be able to bare..

Because as my mother would say after 59 years of marriage, life goes on and life is for the living. All we can do is try to accept what life is and live in hope that one day we might see our loved ones again. If you were married for 59 years and your wife lost you, what would you want your wife to do? Give up or carry on and find enjoyment in living? How would you feel if she decided to give up and cry for the rest of her life? Wouldn't your father want you to find happiness too? I know I would!

So sorry that i burden my troubles on you all, i know you say you dont mind but you have so much more to cope with, i really shouldnt do it,

Why not? We ALL have our own troubles so we ALL need a friend to confide in and share with so of course I don't mind because I Enjoy caring about people who need support! The way my life has turned out I feel that's my purpose in life to be here for others but like I say, I enjoy feeling needed so never worry about being a burden! I just want to help you find some happiness!