There have been plenty of times in my life where I have had odd thoughts, such as when I went to Paris on a school trip and when I looked over the balcony of the hotel, I had an incredible urge to throw myself off it. Or one time when I was very young and I was left alone with my grandad and I had this weird feeling that he might try and touch me or something- he didn't and he wouldn't, it was just my imagination running wild.
It's only now, looking back, that I can see those moments (which stuck with me all this time because of their shockingness) and realise that they were the first signs of depression/ panic. There was another time at school where I had to take a tray full of coffee and biscuits through a set of double doors and before I'd even reached them I had already said to myself "you're going to drop the tray" and semi-consciously I did actually drop it. I remember thinking to myself "That's the worst thing that can happen and now you've got it out of the way you can relax, because there's nothing else to fear". I suppose that's the fear with panic attacks, that I'll just do the thing that I'm frightened of to get it out of the way.
I always thought there was something strange about me, that maybe I had a chromosone missing and I was genetically programmed to be a serial killer or something. I think what it actually comes down to though is trusting yourself. It's only just come back to me, but I remember thinking one time "I won't have kids, I might do something terrible", which is actually a very disturbing thought, but you can unravel it and see that it is me thinking of the worst case scenario and having no trust in myself, believing that I will lose control of myself and something else will take over and do terrible things- the same fear that I get now with panic attacks.
I guess the problem with having thoughts like that is that you try and bury them, because you are afraid that there is something dark trying to get out and because you are afraid that people will turn against you.
The thing that troubles me now that I've realised this is that if I've had panic/depression symptoms since probably about the age of 7, does this mean that I'm predisposed to depression and it's going to keep recurring throughout my life?
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.
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