Tocophobia - fear of being pregnant!

[Jasps]

Hi there,

I have been suffering lately with terrible panic attacks and anxiety over having children. I have been married for just over 2 years and we've been together for nearly 11 years. We moved in together and got married and I only had the slightest of nerves the night before my wedding, which everyone does but now it's come to having children, I am suffering crippling anxiety and feel I could even be sabotaging my marriage due to my fears. I sit and stare at my husband and freak out that my fears over having children might be because I don't really want to be with him but when I am rational, I know full well that's not the truth. I love him and could barely ask for him to be any better suited to me - except for him to be a millionaire! I then sit there and feel awful for thinking these things about it him, which he has no idea about obviously!

I turn the same worries over and over in my head - whether I'm up to the job, would it love me, would I love it, would I get post natal depression, would I regret it, will I spend the rest of my life in a panic because I’ve done the wrong thing and the list goes on.

The stupid thing is, I love kids, I adore all the children in my life and my husband and I always take our nieces and nephews on holidays with us and are constantly ‘borrowing’ children as we want to do all the family things, trips to the zoo, theme parks, camping etc so it seems ridiculous that I can't bring myself to have my own!

In my rational moments, I know I would be disappointed to never have children and experience being a parent but when the anxiety sets in I have actually been sick with fear about being pregnant. I also get panicky about going out sometimes and I hate that!

I did get pregnant last December but lost the baby very early on by miscarriage. When I saw the positive test I nearly fainted, even though we had been trying, I just hadn’t thought about how I’d react when it eventually happened! I could barely breathe, I started to sweat and I was sick. I spent the whole night waking up as my heart was almost beating out of my chest. I keep thinking that these feelings were for a reason and that it must be because I don’t actually want kids! When I think about being pregnant, all I can think of are these horrible feelings that I had when I saw the positive test result!

Looking back though, I was still pregnant for 4 more days and by the 3rd and 4th days, I was thinking of all the fun things I was going to get to do, like buying things for a nursery, choosing a name etc and when I saw Mary Poppins in London during this time, I was thinking of how my baby was listening to the show too.

I can’t seem to remember these moments when I’m struck by the panic, all I remember is the panic I felt and I am focussed on it and why I felt so terrible about being pregnant when I found out.

I need to get over this as I hate myself for being weak and stupid when so many millions of women have done this before me. It doesn’t seem to be something people talk much about, although I found a name for it 'Tocophobia - fear of being pregnant' but I worry I’m in a minority!

[fraya]

Hi Jasps

I was going to start a thread on exactly the same subject. I always thought I would have children but because of my anxiety and panic attacks have put it off.

Last May there was a real chance that I may have been pregnant and for the two weeks until my period arrived I was in a state of blind panic and anxiety, unable to sleep and just freaking out at the thought of being pregnant and having to carry a baby for nine months. I felt really trapped and out of control, to the extent that I even discussed abortion with my boyfriend if I had been pregnant, which freaked me out even more as I couldn't believe I was having thoughts like that. As it turned out I wasn't pregnant, but Im now left feeling depressed and sad at the thought of never having children.

I am 36 and time is running out for me.I just feel I will never feel strong enough emotionally to be pregnant. My boyfriends parents don't have any grandchildren so there is also a pressure, not from them, but I would love to give them a grandchild.

I love kids too and seem to be surrounded by pregnant women and small babies and get really annoyed with myself. If they can do it why cant I? People tell me I would feel differently if I became pregnant but What if I don't, its not something that you can change your mind about if you become pregnant. I think I will always regret not having children but cant see myself being strong enough to have one.

Are there any panic sufferers who have had children, and how did you cope with being pregnant? I just thought I would let you know that your not the only one Jasps, by the sounds of it I seem to have the same reactions as you.

Take care

Fraya

[Jasps]

It does sound exactly the same and I know exactly what you mean about the blind panic. It is awful and tiring.

I am 28 and always thought I would have kids by the time I was 25. Our families are all waiting for us to have kids and my husband is ready and waiting so it's all down to me.

For a while I thought I just needed to relax and stop putting pressure on myself and I did feel better about it but now we are trying again I'm a wreck. I completely avoid my husband when I know my cycle is in the 'get pregnant' zone and when I've just finished a period, I'm back to my normal self.

I do think I have to focus on the fact that when I'm older and possibly childless, I will regret it so I am going to have to act now and just do it.

The fear is exactly that, of not being able to go back and change it and when I was pregnant. For the short time I was, I thought of abortion and was horrified with myself. I felt guilty and wrong for thinking these things and so upset at what people would think of me if they knew what I was thinking!

I try and think of it like this - Currently, I spend my days standing on a high mountain, with a sheer drop between me and a safe happy place on the other side of the mountain - the wind is constantly threatening to blow me over and send me hurling into the black hole and I'm barely hanging on, spending all my waking hours frightened of falling in and using every scrap of energy to stay calm - but if I could just be brave enough to jump across the gap, to the safe and calm place at the other side of the mountain, everything would be fine. Why is that jump so hard to do?

Once on the other side, I wouldn't have all the anxiety I have now, surely that has to be better! A baby has to be better than the way i spend my days now?

I know I would love a child of my own and my life would probably be a better person for it. I'd have more meaning to my days and I'd love all the adventures it would bring.

I do believe we bring these things upon ourselves and I have sopent too much time dwelling on the negatives and now my body is reacting to that. If I try and stay clam and focus more on the positives, surely i can start to turn my thinking around.

Do you have days where you are positive about it and feel okay about getting pregnant?

[Jasps]

my name is Caral by the way! Hello!

[denise84]

hi, i have got 2 children, and when i first found out i was pregnant with them both i did get panicky, not because i doubted i would love them or even them love me, but because i thought to myself that once you are pregnant you HAVE to see it to the end, and therefore i had no control, it was left to nature to take its course. but once i actually got used to the idea of my being pregnant and used to the flutters of the baby, i started to get excited about meeting my new baby and wondering who the baby looks like and so on. basicly what im trying to say is that at first you will feel panicky but once you have got used to the idea(and you will honest) your maternal instinct kicks in and all you can think about and dream about is meeting your baby, and you are filled with such joy and excitment. i realy hope this helps you in some way.dont let panic allow you to miss out on the best expeirience a woman should have.

dmcgovern

[fraya]

Hi Caral

Yes I have days when I daydream about our own baby, and what they would look like etc. That is the "normal" part of me. I guess its what every other woman experiences, looking forward to babies.I have loved watching my nephew grow up. However I know my reaction would take the panic course, just like in most other situations. Rather than get excited about things ( we are looking to buy a house at the moment) My body is reacting with dread and panic and just a tiny bit of excitement, when it should be the other way around.

To be really honest, I don't know how I would feel with a person growing inside me, getting bigger and bigger, kicking away. That in itself freaks me out so how would I cope with 9 months! I wish I was one of those women who didn't know they were pregnant until they went into labour.

I also feel that a baby would take my focus away from me so it would help me not to be so negative. I know I am less anxious when I look after my nephew as I am not thinking about myself.

My boyfriend is happy either with or without a baby so no pressure there, I just feel the pressure on myself.

Denise, what you have written about maternal instinct etc is what everyone keeps telling me will happen, but Im just scared that with me it wont and I'll feel taken over by an "alien" rather than bonding with the baby. I just couldn't face an abortion if I could calm down. Its the one thing I envy in "normal" women, the ability to have children without all the angst. You do give me hope though Denise, if you managed to do it, I suppose it all depends on how bad your anxiety was at the time.

[Jasps]

Hi Fraya,

It's so weird that everything you say is the same as I am. We too are looking for a house and we almost went for on a few months back and I started to panic, again with all sorts of questions running around in my head, would I regret it, what if I changed my mind and wanted my current house back?

This is why I know that deep down I do want children and I would be alright, as it's not just this one situation I react to, it's everything from going to the pun to moving house.

I feel the same about a baby growing in me, like it's an alien and shouldn't be there. People say you do feel some of this as you spend the first part of your life doing everything you can not to get pregnant and then you have to go back on that and change your thinking.

I see my friend breast feeding her baby and it seems so weird to me, she laughs at me but I feel like he’s leeching off her. It’s a horrible thought but it’s there with me. I do have another friend who has a 2 year old and she couldn’t breast feed him as she felt all creeped by it and she’s a great Mum. She said she had panics when she decided to get pregnant and she’d avoid her husband etc but she’s now trying for her 2nd one.

I also wish I could be one those people who don’t know they’re pregnant and then one day it just comes out. My Mum didn’t know she was pregnant for the first 5 months of her pregnancy with my older brother as she continued to have her periods and never grew big but I am pretty regular and don’t think that is going to happen to me.

Having the miscarriage is the worst thing that could have happened to someone like me (although it’s a terrible thing to happen to anyone but unfortunately all to common), although at the time I dealt with it I sit and think now how I would have a 2 month old baby and it would all be over and I wouldn’t have to now go through it all again but there’s nothing I can do to change it.

Every morning I wake up hoping things are going to be different and by some miracle I’ll be alright but then the dread creeps through me and I know I’ve go to cope with it for another day. Right now my chest is tight with tension and feels like I’ve got a cold coming but I know it’s all self induced and this make me angry with myself.

What star sign are you? I’m a Gemini and prone to this type of overthinking, I just wondered what you are?

Carla

[fraya]

Hi Carla

Yep we seem to think exactly the same, I could have written your post! Its a relief to know In not the only one who feels like this about being pregnant, on the other hand what on earth can we do about it?

Im a Virgo which means Im a worrier and a hypochondriac which isn't the best combination, and I over analyse everything

There must be other women on this forum who have gone through pregnancy with anxiety. How did you cope, or did everyone feel like Denise once you were pregnant, calm and maternal?

Are you actively trying for a baby at the moment Carla? If so no wonder you are feeling so panicky. Although I know the fear of something is always worse than the reality of it. Does your husband know that you fear being pregnant, maybe it would help to talk it through with him so he can be sympathetic.

Take care

fraya

[Jasps]

Hi,
My husband is a Virgo and he doesn't worry about anything - he's the lucky one!

He does know I have these irrational fears, I've explained them to him, although not to the extent I could as I fear he'd think I was mad. I can't avoid discussing it with him as one minute I am fine and then a wave of anxiety hits me and I just want to be on my own to calm myself down and stop myself from being sick. I have to tell him I'm having a panic or he keeps asking what's wrong and makes it worse, poor bugger.

He tries to help and says if I don't want to do it I don't have to but then he also says I need to bite the bullet and do it and then I'll be okay.

I have decided it's time to get on with it or I know this will get worse and I'll never do it. I've lost out on jobs and nights out with friends as I've given in to my fears and I don't want to let them control me to the point where I give up the chance to have my own children.

Today I am having a good day and I've just spent all weekend with my 14 year old niece and 4 year old nephew and I know the happiness I could have.

We are trying to some extent, we have stopped using protection but I avoid my husband when I know I'm likely to get pregnant so that's not the best plan but I'm taking it one step at a time.

Positive thinking is the key I think and I need to keep telling myself the good stuff and stop dwelling on the possibles. I've ordered a CD by Paul McKenna which I've read is good for anxiety so I'm hoping it will help to
teach me how to stay calm.

It woud be good to hear from women who've been through this and come out the other side but it doesn't seem to be a much discussed topic.

Carla

[Jasps]

Just to say I am on holiday till 22nd Nov now so please don't think I've disapeared if I don't reply straight away.