I told Mum I want nothing further to do with her.

[maddie]

My mum has stroke-induced dementia and it is getting rapidly worse. I know she's been worried because my dad has been in hospital so she's had extra strain on her, but she has become impossible to be with. Her memory is dreadful. She asks the same question over and over. It is very wearing. Her conversation is disjointed and she gets angry when you can't follow it. Dad took her to the doc who arranged an apt. at the Memory Clinic for her. She is flatly refusing to go and has developed a disturbing paranoia that dad and I are "conspiring" against her.

Dad was at his wits end with her today and asked me to talk to her. He's still not at all well. She wasn't making sense and was really nasty with me. She told me it was no business of mine and to stop interfering. In the end I told her I wanted nothing further to do with her.

I phoned a couple of hours later and spoke to dad. I apologised. He says the only way he can deal with her is silence. It's becoming a very lonely life for him just as he needs her most. She's acting like a spoilt child who's thrown its toys out of the pram. Everything has to be what she wants or she has what can only be described as a tantrum. She won't do anything for him and he now buys in his meals. I've talked to her before about her diet because she is flatly refusing to eat sensibly - she exists on bananas and grapes.

I am finding it really hard to find anything in me to respond to her with. She lost her own baby at 5 days old and later adopted me, but she was never there for me. I was raised by dad and a next door neighbour. So really she never has been my mother. I feel really guilty for saying I want nothing more to do with her, but in my heart I mean it. I don't know how to deal with her and help her. The thought that this could go on for years and become worse makes me feel numb, shut down. She's not interested in how difficult things are for me with agrophobia and panic attacks. She just demands attention and errands that leave me weak and drained.

They say dementia doesn't alter character, it just brings out the truth. Her own mother suffered dementia and became really vicious and spiteful towards us in her last years. I've had to take extra medication today because of mum. I am unable to cope with her the way I feel unless I can develop coping strategies.

Maybe this is just a rant, but maybe someone can give me some idea of how to manage this. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

[Jac 2009]

Hi,

I feel for you. Parents are not easy! My mum was very difficult for many years. She didn't have dementia - that makes things almost impossible I think - but she was quite unpleasant to me a lot of the time.

I am one of four children but the others are scattered all over the globe - Australia, America, France. I was the only one left to take care of her. Although she didn't need full time care, she rarely left the house and she depended on me for most things. I would see her at least once a day and do what I could for her.

The last six months of her life however, she changed. She knew she didn't have long and she reverted back to being the lovely person she had been most of her life. I really missed her when she died and I still do.

I know this doesn't help you much but I am so glad I had that time with my mum and I wasn't left with remembering the horribleness mainly because I would have felt so guilty when she died about not liking her much.

I feel for you and I hope it works out. x

[Desprate Dan]

Maddie, sorry i cant help but my thoughts are with you are your poor Dad, you must say strong for your fathers sake he needs you more than ever now.. I only wish i could do something to help Maddie..

Please take care

Dan x

[maddie]

Thanks Jac and Dan.

I am trying to help dad and tolerate mum for his sake. It's so hard. She destroys my self-esteem, causes me to have panic attacks, makes me worry, feel guilty, sad ... the list goes on. I'm dreading what's coming, especially now she is becoming paranoid, as I think she will end up in care. She'll be vicious to visit and that will destroy my dad after 60 years marriage.

I have a sister who only lives 30 mis. away. She came one day when dad was in hospital. She was with mum 4 hours, then rang to say she couldn't take any more, she was going home to bed as mum had made her head ache. She won't come anymore. She didn't even visit dad when he was in hospital last week. So I guess I also feel a lot of anger and resentment about her as well.

Altogether, I don't like the feelings going through me at the moment.

[maddie]

Thanks tetley - we just posted at the same time!

[sammie]

hi maddie

firstly i would like to say i know what alzheimers/ dementia feels like my father was diagnosed at 70 he is now 78 so we have had 8 years of progression with this illness so i do empathise with you.

dementia / alzheimers DOES alter the persons character they become totally different to how they were . there is help out there i would suggest you contact the alzheimers society they have a web site with lots of help and advice

more importantly you need some support too i know its hell on earth for the family we have had 8 years and it has been hard work for all of us

please pm me if you need to talk dont bottle it all up

love sam xxx

[maddie]

Thanks Sam.

[mandyclare]

Hi Maddie...

I really feel for you but I don't think your mum is doing alot of what she does on purpose. I'm not saying she is a Saint either though so please don't get me wrong.

My dad had a stroke in his 40s which left him ok but very confused alot of the time and unable to work etc.... he would do really irritating things.. get obssesive about particular things.. like for example squashing all tin cans (sounds funny now with recycling etc) but at the time it drove us nuts..

When people have these sorts of disorders the simplest thing becomes very important to them.. it becomes their way of gaining some control of their life. Frustration is a major problem to them because they know what they want to say but can't get it out in the way they did before, this makes them frustrated, irritable and angry and you know how it is we always hurt the ones we love the most.

My dad only passed away 3 years ago at the age of 77.. about 35 years after having his stroke. He drove us all insane at times but we loved him all the same and made the most of the fact that he was still with us and could enjoy his life in the ways he was able. Over the years I gained a huge amount of respect for him.. his will to enjoy life despite his limitations and I learnt that we had to realise that certain things that seemed bizarre to us had now become an important part of his routine.. it was necessary for him to keep a certain amount of control in any ways he found possible.

In many ways when my dad had his stroke we lost the dad (and husband) we knew and a new person came into our lives.. he was very different but ultimately he was still our dad.

This is a really hard transition for you and i'm not claiming to understand your mums condition as there are obviously differences but maybe it will get easier in time.

Remember to make time to take care of yourself.. we all need a break from the physical and emotional stress that situations like this cause us.

Love of love
Mand x

[Wolfie]

Hi Maddie, *pounce*

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that things are becoming so much more difficult and hard for you and your father, if I could take this all away, then I would. Please never forget about the ongoing support you have here, from everyone, at NMP.

I think sammie's suggestion of maybe finding an alzheimers organisation, may be very helpful, I am pretty sure that there will be really fantastic organisations who will be able to help all the people involved in the situation, for example, there may be talking sessions with people from the organisation, which might be able to help relieviate the feelings that you and your father are feeling, it can be so beneficial to talk to people who know/have been affected by the similar situations.

If you need any help sweetie, please just ask, we are all here for you.

Lots of love, hugs and support,

Chrissy xXx

[maddie]

Thanks mandyclaire and chrissy xxx

I am going to find a local organisation to talk to if I can. The doc wants to see mum again. She walked to the local shop today for bananas and came back with tuna. My dad is very low. He's really worried what will happen to her if he can't look after her.