New on the forum - Anxiety

[singleton27]

Hello All

Im new on this forum, so glad i found it.
I am 27yrs old and a single parent.

I really dont know what to do, my mental health was fine until my grandmother whom i was very close to passed away and then the next year i tried to help a lady who had collapsed in a toilet who died of a brain haemorrage she was 29yrs old and a single parent to a 5yrs old. since then i have begun to go downhill.

Im scared and feel so alone at the moment, i work part time at a job i love, my daughter is amazing only 4, but at times i think i have a brain tumour too and that im going to die, then i have thoughts about death, not committing suicide nothing like that but i am soo afraid of death..im petrified and sometimes i get myself in such a state i cry and get upset and cant sleep, i really should of seeked councilling when these traumatic things happened.

another thing im going through at the moment is panic attacks and i keep having horrible thoughts in my head i wouldnt act on them but there really freaking me out. Its strange because i have a couple of months were im fine but then i get the odd panic attack but then everything comes on soo strong im just soo scared really dont know what to do.

Any advice??? any cure??? im soo desperate i really am what should i do..

Thanks for reading, arline

[Alicat]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time. You're not alone. Maybe you could go to the dr and ask for counselling? x

[singleton27]

thanks ali, it is pretty awful. but i really dont like the thoughts and dont know if there normal, worried he will label me mad..i have images of hurting people...something i would never imagine doing at all, im a nice person i cant believe these images are there, its really upsetting me really dont want these thoughts i had the same thoughts about 10mths ago and they scared me soo much then they went...i dont get why theyve come back

[Kilasuk]

Hello,

I understand. First off I think that anxiety and fear like that can come on at any stage in life and all it takes is some kind of internal and external influence to trigger it. External influence here is the experience of death, internal experience is ...well...what ever it is inside of you or has happened to you in the past that has become ultra sensitive to this type of thing.

I suffered from Anxiety in a very serious way which included explosive panic attacks. I also had a not so healthy fear of death, and I too would lie awake at night scared of that final moment ....even though I was only in my twenties at the time.

I think that it would be logical to assume, given your experience of death, and now you have something you care for more than anything in the world (Daughter) that you would start to see a fear reaction to death.

Death & fear....there is no magic answer for this one... With me I’m an ex member of the god squad. So I constantly feared that I would not do enough good with my life and die alone and sad...and then go to hell. This then sent me on a spiritual journey to find what life meant to me. I would say Buddhism is a good place to start. What you have to understand about death is that there is no such thing really. But that’s something you can only discover yourself....and you may come up with a different answer. Death, well we can't predict it. It may happen tomorrow or in another 80 years who know. For me I choose to live my life with Joy, do no harm and bring joy to others. If I die tomorrow then I chose my path and hoped I helped a little along the way.

I learned to try and cherish every minute. Make up with family members. Look at every beauty in life. And tried to think about death as another part of my divine process. So I know its a tough one, but I found saying a prayer of thanks to whoever is out there or in me might be listening. I thanked the universe for my wife, life, job, being able to see a great site that day whilst on the road, for the chance to make someone smile, for someone that made me laugh. No matter how stupid and how small I am forever thankful.

There are some schools of thought (Some from Chinese Medicine and holistic therapies and the Dao , Yoga philosophy and so on) that believe that parts of the body represent various emotions. So maybe your fear of a brain tumour is actually not really about what you think it is.

And fear is also the seed of things. i.e. Why is it that the miserable fearful person at work is always the one that is off sick? Don't know is anyone else has noticed that. All you are experiencing is your mental barometer telling you that your thoughts are a little out of kilter with your true self.

Also you may now want to become aware of what you think about. I kept a diary and when I looked at it I realised that my thoughts were bloody awful most of the time....and I HAD NO REASON TO THINK LIKE THAT EITHER....that’s the funny bit. I had so many negative thoughts about myself, other people, the world...everything. things in the future, things from the past. The only good thought I had was about eating chips?!?!? Is that the sum of my life....or yours....is that our natural state? To live with fear and negativity...no ...I don't believe it is. Life was not born from fear. However you believe the universe and life was created, god , evolution, aliens, whatever! Life was created from love....not fear or self hatred. So, we have to return to that natural state of loving life. The first place to start is to love yourself. When you start finding things in you to love (Which is everything) fear and pain start to vanish.

I would say for you that it would be worth looking at a little counselling, maybe the death experience and what ever happened in the past has had an impact on you and it may help talking about it. Also when looking for a supporter, make sure they understand CBT (Cognitive Behavioural therapy) and / or NLP neuro linguistic programming. These are new methods of re-aligning our minds to something more helpful.

As your panic seems to come and go, I would say that during your free periods, your self talk / inner dialogue about yourself may not be great. Do you find that you put yourself down? Or condemn yourself? Do you find yourself thinking negative thoughts a lot of the time? Do you think those thoughts are completely pointless and want to get rid of them.

Fearful and negative thoughts....as far as I'm aware ..never helped anyone. One good thing is the use of positive affirmations. At the moment, you might be negatively affirming to yourself. So try to start some positive affirmations: I love and approve of myself, all is perfect in my world, I am healthy, I can handle all things that come my way. In the same way that our brains seem to have trained themselves to drone on with negative poo, start re-training your mind to be positive. After time, your will naturally think more positive.

For death A good one might be: I trust in the process of life, I am safe,

repeat affirmations over and over and over again. In the shower, before sleep.

The thing is...there is no trust to be found in fear. But every truth can be found in love. So love thyself.

One thing I started as well was Kungfu. Not to learn to be a hard nut but to learn the thought process, which was about peace. I learned that the mind moves and the body and universe follow. What I mean is, you move your arm. Your arm does not move you. You become fear, fear does not become you. Ergo, when you feel fear, think negative thoughts, your body and the universe follow. And you will notice a physiological reaction…panic. So, when you start to think overwhelming positive thoughts about yourself, send our love to everyone you meet and think about, and love and be thankful for life……your body and the universe follow.

I have to ask you though about your panic. Do you panic about doing something i.e. interview, meeting friends, presentations and so on? Or does it seem to come out of nowhere and is not linked to any particular thing?

Cheers


Kilas

[Alicat]

Hi,

I think that's a great post Kilasuk. I love Buddhism.

I'm full of cold so I'll post and try and make sense.

I've had horrible thoughts on and off for a few months about disabled people being 'wrong'. I'm disabled myself. I've had a few counselling sessions with a psychologist and talked about it. I've also read 'At Last A Life' by Paul David.

You say you'd never hurt anyone so when you get these thoughts, your reaction is to be shocked and upset so you keep thinking about it and trying to work out why you're thinking it, right? This makes you scared of the feeling and gives it more power to make you anxious.

You'll have lots of thoughts throughout the day and some of them you don't realise pay any attention to cos they're not something you'd act upon. This is one of them but because you're anxious your brain attaches more meaning to it than you would otherwise and you end up getting yourself in a state.

Not sure this makes any sense but when you have a horrible thought, just think to yourself 'just an anxious thought' and carry on. Don't try and work it out in your head.

I hopr this helps.

[Zsofi]

What a wonderful, positive post Kilasuk! Thanks for sharing!