I am crap at relationships, help please x

[NoPoet]

Hi all, me again!

Part of my anxiety has something to do with relationships. I tend to be a full-on type of person; my brain operates at a hundred light-years a second and I feel like one day for me is the same as three years for another person.

I get very wound up and stressed (not always in a bad way, sometimes I am massively productive -- I can make a lot of headway on my writing and in my personal life when I am in the right frame of mind).

I seem to find my relationships with the opposite sex are very intense but very short-lived. I realise I have trust issues and I have been accused of having a chip on my shoulder because of events in my past.

But in real life I am shy and don't dress in a show-off manner, so being male this means I get ignored a lot, and I feel that women quite often either take me for granted or use me to feel better about themselves.

I have recently had a relationship breakup, and I have had trouble with one or two other women since*. I don't think I am difficult to get in with, in fact my best mate keeps telling me I am too nice with people. So why have I not been able to find happiness? A friend suggested I keep falling for the wrong women -- is she right? If women keep banging on about wanting a "nice guy" then why do they ignore nice guys or treat them like mush?

Can anyone help me at all, cos this is something that is causing me a lot of unhappiness. Cheers in advance.

* If there is a parallel reality where all these women actually treated me well and I got together with them, I could start my own Playboy mansion. My luck in THIS reality really is that sad!

[onceagain]

Hi Psychopoet

really so sorry to hear you are going threw a rough time of it lately but had to respond to this one as it hit right on the button of ME!

I have wanted to be loved by that someone special all my life right from being a little girl and witnessing stuff that 4 year olds should not witness and then watching the man of her life going and a mummy crying and hurt.

Trust has been taken away from me from my childhood onwards with what felt like being let down by those I trusted in family and friends.. leaving me growing up feeling that I wasn't worth loving.

I fell in love deeply for the first time, I wasn't being primed by the man who I bore children with who proceeded to be violent and controlling, this was a true love ... but all the doubts and my low self esteem kicked in, silly things that others wouldn't have picked up were hitting me so hard, things that didn't quite add up etc fed my insecurities... I eventually suffered a complete break down and am still trying to mend myself and awaiting therapy to restyle my way of thinking.

All I can say is continue to be yourself... and that lady will be there for you, you may have to ride through the roughest storms together and come out the other side, but she is there... stay nice stay yourself... and work on those trust issues so that they stop being ghosts affecting your present.. the very best to you... don't change who you are but the way you handle those insecurities each day I have a battle with myself as my automatic thoughts kick in so hard sometimes... but none of us are perfect and it is just a matter of finding someone that also won't be perfect but will be the one for you .. hugs

[Slothette]

Hi Poet

Maybe you should hold back a little and try not to get too intense....you can always have fun with "Miss Wrong" while youre looking for "Miss Right"

The older we get, the more likely it will be that we have some baggage to take into a relationship. We've all been let down at some stage and it is hard to trust again but this doesnt mean we can't have a happy relationship in the future.

There's nothing wrong in being a "nice" guy. You just havent found a "nice" girl who appreciates you.

Keep on looking cos she's out there somewhere!

Lex xx

[NoPoet]

Cheers ladies, I feel bad because my life problems were not as bad as many peoples', I have had a good life, I just spoiled it for myself by always feeling unhappy even when there was no reason to.

I am not good at "Miss Wrong" cos I get attached easily. There are so many rude and arrogant women who think they're it and that men are their slave species (funny how there's no equivalent word for "female ego"), so when I do bump into a nice girl I fall for her and end up getting hurt, cos the nice ones are either attached already or seem to be looking for an a******e.

I haven't really had many one night stands, I don't think I'm cut out for them, they would end up hurting me.

[PoppyC]

Sometimes men as well as women -who think they are so special, are above everyone else, when they are clearly not, - that puts people off.
Speaking as a woman, I find that there are a lot of men out there too, who are rude, arrogant, who think they are so special, interesting and unique, when in fact if they stopped thinking they were so great, then women may be more attracted to them. No woman wants a man who is full of himself and vice versa.

[KK77]

I don't think egotistical attitudes are restricted by gender. I think men do tend to be more "arrogant" but women can also be very egotistical and self-involved, albeit in a much more indirect and subtle way most of the time.

A lot of women are attracted to the "tough" kind of guy and usually he is an a---hole. These type of women tend to find the more sensitive types "weak". Perhaps these types of women are very insecure and need to feel "protected". Unfortunately it's not long before this "toughie" usually turns on them.

It's a hard one because we can make so many generalisations that get us nowhere.

[suzy-sue]

We all seem to learn things the hard way with regards to relationships .Lots of us have had broken relationships and gone on to meet someone afterwards .For those who havnt yet ,you will ...Sometimes we look in the wrong places and are looking and searching for that special person we let it take over our lives ..Love will hit you unaware and at a time you least expect it ..Dont let bitterness get the better of you ,be yourself and learn from past mistakes ..A heart full of anger isnt ready to love how can it ? You will meet someone worthy one day .Till then be yourself ,and be proud of who you are ..Anything worth having is worth waiting for ...Take care Sue x

[NoPoet]

I know one thing I do that makes it worse. When someone crosses me, I tend to become very defensive. If I think someone is starting to mess me about or if someone deliberately hurts my feelings then I see them as an enemy regardless of how close I was to them before. I am not the kind of person who you would want to have as an enemy: any feelings of love or closeness get obliterated, and I find myself becoming blunt and sarcastic towards them instead of considerate and kind. If I am hurt by someone, that hurt is permanent. It has brought relationships to an end overnight.

[peach]

there should be a dating area on here for people on here who are single and would love a partner..??

its such a shame that dating is so hard.
im lucky i found my lovely man years ago and he still seems to want to hang around, but most of my girlfriends are still single, they are beautiful but their carriers and or lives just seem to make it impossible for them to meet anyone.

i think it is true about what state of mind you are in, will attract that type of person. is it possible that because your weary of getting hurt you are attracting ladies who will hurt you?

just a thought. this happened to my close friend. she attracted this awful man who controlled her, told her she was fat, etc, she took it because she thought she deserved it and it took her 2 years to finally realise she didnt, and that she deserves so much better. shes just started dating a new guy now who is totally different to the other one.....thank god!

my history with dating was awful too. i wasnt interested in dating, i just wanted to go to partys, travel with friends etc, but seemed to attract these intense guys who would be a friend then when i told them i just wanted to stay friends i got called everyname under the sun. i attracted stalkers too...urgh!!!

i do believe you will get what you ask for, so be careful what you ask for!!!!

there are bad men and women out there, there are also wonderful men and women. just ask for the wonderful women tht you are ready to spend the rest of your life with and know you deserve that and nothing less....and that is exactly what you will get!

good luck with it!!! i hope the best for you!!!!

[Slothette]

Hi Poet

I think if someone "deliberately" hurts your feelings then you'd be within your rights to be defensive. Who wants to be deliberately hurt?

I think anxiety suffers are very sensitive people and sometimes can be offended or hurt by a person when no malice was intended. Myself included.

I'm all for giving people a second chance. This gives me the opportunity to assess whether I've over reacted and them the chance to make amends.

If they mess up again, then thats the time to cut them out of my life.