How Do I Cope With Going To A Funeral

[smudger]

Im going to my friends fathers funeral and wake a week tomorrow. He sadly died of Cancer on Christmas Eve. The easy thing would be not to go but I want to pay my respects. How do I cope? I thought about sitting at the back of the crematorium but in my state of mind I feel very conscious that I will cry non stop throughout wherever I sit.At least I can make a quick dignified exit. Im taking Mum and Dad too and I know they will want to sit up front and people are bound to ask why Im not sitting with them and why should I expect Mum and Dad to lie for me. My parents would be really understanding if I explain why I need to sit at the back but I want to support them too and not be so so self centered about this. Im also worried how it will affect me after as I tend to dwell on things.I cant avoid these things can I?Is it better to make myself go whether Im feeling well or not?My counsellor would say this is a trigger situation and the next stage is to identify what I fear may happen and how Ill cope. Its all too text book sometimes!Can anybody advise me please.Thanks.

[pollyanna]

Hi Smudger


you must do what you think is best, i think after a funeral, everybody, no matter how close or distant they were to the person, questions, and thinks about their own life and family, you will dwell on it for a while, i think everyone does, but it will pass, perhaps make a plan to keep your mind busy/occupied in the few days following the funeral.
I dont think there would be anything wrong with sitting at the back in case it got too much, as you said your parents would be really understanding if you told them the reason why, and as far as anyone else is concerned as to why you are not sitting with them, you can say you have a bit of an upset tummy and wanted to be handy for the door as not to disturb anyone/the service, apart from that, people will be so caught up in their own thoughts, they probably wont think about it too much, but if someone does, you is a simple explanation. its not really a lie, and really its no one elses business, you can tell people as little or as much informtion as you feel comfortable, as i said, most people are so caught up in their own world, they dont think too much about these things, we just think they do.
this way you can go and pay your respects, and you are thinking about your own coping statagies which quite rightly you shouldnt ignore.


t c


P x

[happyone]

One of the things that hit me from your post was you seem to be afraid of crying at the funeral? This is a common fear, but really, no ne would think ill of you for crying at a funeral. They are sad after all.
I also think the previous suggestion is a good one. Upset tum, sit at the back.
One of the things I have learnt fro therapy is that I give myself a hard time for feeling bad at situations that are hard. I suspect that maybe you are doing this. Funerals are hard for many reasons, don't beat yourself up for feeling worried about it....if that makes any sense

Happyone
xx

[smudger]

Thanks alot. Thats really helpful. Its a good idea to tell a white lie (I hate lying generally)that I have a tummy upset. I wont feel bad about that.Would like to support Mum n Dad n sit with them but I don't wanna make a scene if I get anxious. They will understand, my parents are the best. Ill try n keep busy after, thats a good idea. Sometimes things are really straightforward but you just need somebody elses reassurance and take on things.Thanks again.

[smudger]

Thanks Happyone. I find it difficult to cry anywhere but when I do it floods. It really is scary for me. I feel so vunerable and weak.I hear what you are saying and common sense tells me you are right.Ill remember your words when I do and try n feel 'normal' about it. Hard to break a lifetimes habit though! But I will try.....

[smudger]

Hi all. Just wanted to tell you I went to my friends Dad's funeral today n I was okay. I took all your advice onboard, thanks. What also worked for me was not to look at peoples faces as this always sends me into floods. I did shed a tear but I felt in control. It was a very sad day today but made better seeing how many people paid their respects to such a nice man.Its strange how some of the worst times can bring us together!

[Maj]

I'm going to my mum's friend's funeral tomorrow. My mum and her met every Saturday afternoon for tea and a good chat every Saturday for years. I feel for my mum. She's all worried in case she cries at the funeral and I've told her that if you can't cry at your best friend's funeral when can you cry?! That's what's wrong with us - we hold it all in until we're fit to burst. Jean was a great friend, we'll miss her so much, and if we can't show our feelings then there's something far wrong. Go to the funeral, don't explain yourself for sitting at the back, that's your choice. Cry if you want to, there's no shame here. Hope you get through it okay. I'm sure you will.
Myra

[summersmum]

i recently had to go to a funeral of a lady i was close to.. i only knew her husband and son at the crem so i was very anxious.. but my dad said to me...sit at the back and remember u wont be the first and the last to be cryin.. i started to cry n looked round the room and every 1 was!

hpe this helps

[JaneC]

Well done Smudger. The thought of going to funerals used to freak me out, so I think you should give yourself a really big pat on the back

[pollyanna]

Hi smudger

Glad you managed to go and pay your respects, well done.. x