acute depression and major fear

[randomworry]

hi guys hope i find you all well.

this is really just an inspirational post if anything. I have had one of the worst times of my life from november until precisely 30 mins ago.

In november whilst working with a radioactive insulin compound in the lab i made a mistake of contaminating my face by touching it with a contaminated glove. I have OCD so i totally flipped and when i mean flipped i mean like nervouse breakdown overload stuff.

it happend because i did not tell the demonstrator about the incident and tried to push it to the back of my mind and went on with the day eating and drinking etc. then thought crap i must have injested it.

i cried on a tube journey home which is like 1 hour long - i was in despair!

i was panicking so much i started coughing up blood - damn i must be having radiation sickness i thought.

by the way im 25 and i was in such i mess i rang my mum from work and insisted she came home. i thought it was the end and strangely i even wanted to end it faster by hanging myself because i thought it would be easier from dying from radiation!

to cut a long story short i eneded up in a mental ward for my own safety and on coming out got checked out to make sure i had no radioactive material inside me - i didnt.

i should be fine now right?!

nope.......what if i injested enough of the stuff for me know to definatly develop cancer in say 15 years.........what the hell of i done to myself i thought.........deep depression ensued. and the worries are endless in my head.

anyway 30 mins ago my life changed because i thought am i really going to worry about this until i get cancer, if i ever do or am i going to live my life. it really is a choice i have decided to live and all of you can do the same.........

dont get me wrong it is bloody hard and that is a major understatment because your mind is filled with worry and horror constantly but im going to give it a shot.

this attitude if i am honest has come from watching how others deal with life challenges on the internet on sites like youtube and an amazing documentry on stuart mangan the paraluzed rugby player.

in short your attitude makes or breaks you.........i mean look at my story if i didnt freak at the beginning i wouldnt have coughed up blood which made me more scared and i wouldnt have ended up in hospital. so i made things worse than they needed to be.

all the best guys

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[rhea]

hello my name is rhea and i wud just lyk to say thanks for aharing that with us, and that i totally agree with u as we have all got a choice wheter to let r demons ( in my case anxirty and panic attacks) control us or we control them and live our lives!! am 18 by the way and i have had such a hard tym myself lately av sufferd wi panic attacks and anxiety the past 7 monts and they have controlled me i will admit they hav changed me and at tyms i feel so scared and unhappy and lyk am not liveing properly and lyk am loosein control if ys get me?? but i have had enuff now and i am going to get my life back the way its was before all this happend, i am going to live my life and i am not going to live in fear anymre, i started therapy today so i really hope this helps me xxxxx

[randomworry]

cool go for it rhea - i wish you all the best im sure you will beat your demons

[Veronica H]

So glad that you are feeling positive about the future and are not letting negative thoughts ruin your life. This is definitely an illness of how we think. Thanks for posting this.

Veronicax

[NoPoet]

Hi mate, I'm glad you got back to a kind of equilibrium. When I was a kid I used to start crying if I could smell Tipp-Ex or felt-tipped pens cos I was told they were dangerous and I thought I was going to die.

If you had ingested enough radioactive material to cause radiation sickness you would certainly have known about it by now! The human body is constantly exposed to radiation from all quarters. We are designed to be resistant to a large amount of it.

It's only when we take super-doses, e.g. if the ozone layer failed and we became exposed to unfiltered cosmic radiation for long periods of time, or we work in a nuclear reactor and there was a containment failure, or we ingest sufficient fallout from a nuclear explosion, that we're in trouble.

[rhea]

thanks randomorry and yes i am determined to beat my demons!! no matter how negative i can feel at tyms am not giving into it as its my life and i want a anxiety and panic attack free life! xx