Seriously breaking down at the moment.

[jonny]

Hi guys,

Its been so long since i have been here as i have been pretty well for a few years but now my anxiety is back so hard.

I feel pretty guilty about posting now as it feels like i only come here when i am in need of support but didn't give much when i was doing well. I suppose the truth is that while i was doing well i didn't want reminding of my 'darker side' for fear of it returning. I am sorry about that.

2009 was a pretty good year for me without too much anxiety, i have been going out more and generally living. In october i even booked a Ski trip for the family which we are due to go on this sunday. I think thats why i am bad now.
As sunday approaches i am become less and less able to cope. I have a fear of flying as last time i flew i had a major anxiety episode and i fear that more than death! But i know i have to go as i have spent £££'s on it and my partner and daughter are so excited. If i back out it will split us up.....i know that.
So i have to go and i don't have the luxury of an escape route if i need it and thats why i am panicking now.

Yesterday i went to see the doctor and nearly broke down in the surgery. She put me back on citalopram and gave me 28x2mg Diazepam to take as needed for the travel. But i also have a major phobia against Benzos, don't ask me why as i know they are supposed to be good. I worry that if i take them i will freak out on them or not like the feeling they give and be stuck with it for hours suffering. There is no way i could chance that at the airport.

So to cut a long story short i have just taken 4mg at home to see what is going to happen. And yes i am freaking out now.. I feel sick, i want to go and force myself to be sick to get them out my body. I just feel so bad i could curl up and die because i never wanted to get to this point but i feel if i dont take drastic action my family life will fall apart.

At the moment i feel my life is almost over. Anxiety is beating me.....i just can't do it again.

Sorry if this is a negative post, i want to be positive but i cant right now.....i am typing out these feeling to keep myself distracted in the hope i can stop myself freaking out and running upstairs to be sick....the more i type the more time i give this vallium to work and hopefully it will be good and i will have been worrying over nothing.

Sorry its been so long since i posted.....Nic, you may remember me from the old days..

Jon

[bellabessnjet]

Hi Jon,
I've done the same as you, was on here all thime had a couple of months feeling better, and bang its come back again, so contacted the site. Luckily all the people on here have been really understanding, even hoping that because I hadnt been on much I was better, So dont feel guilty about that.
I've been give diazapam in the past, maybe you need to try just 1 tablet instead of 2. You just need to take your mind of the flight, easier said than done I know. have you got an mp3 or ipod that you could put your favourite music onto, maybe for the about of time the flight is? Or get a book about where your travelling to so you can see exactly why you booked it in the first place, and remind yourself of how good it will be.
Just try to take each day bit by bit (if only I could take my own advice)
Hope you feel better soon and that you have a brilliant holiday

Angela

[fishman65]

Hi Jon,don't worry about not having visited the site for some time.I too have done this,its human nature.After all,if we start to feel better we grab the chance and try getting on with our lives,its only natural.OK as for your dilemma,I've been on diazepam for a good many years and its a very safe drug as long as you don't stay on it for too long i.e the dangers of addiction.Diazepam is simply a muscle relaxant and helps you to calm down.There really is no need to be afraid of it ok?And if you are afraid of addiction you can come off it quite easily when you come back off your holiday.Failing that,could you have a drink at the airport bar while waiting for your flight?You don't have to get drunk,just a bit tipsy?Obviously this would be more difficult if you're the only driver in the family.

Also Jon,ask yourself this.Would it REALLY be over for you and your partner if you couldn't go?Surely if she loves you enough she would understand.I really do feel for you mate cos I was in a similar situation last autumn when faced with a christening and wedding to go to.It caused me so much anxiety that I just ended up backing out of both.Good luck mate with whatever you choose to do.

Take care now, Fishy

[Maj]

Hello,

First of all, you are going through a setback - we all have them - it's part of recovery because after you've gone through it you get stronger each time. Knowing that you are going to fly is making you stressed but quite often it's the lead up to the event that's worse than the actual thing!! And, diazepam can be a godsend to people when they need it. You are hardly going to get addicted to 28 2mg tablets!! Try to look beyond the flight and to the holiday. Once you get there you'll be so proud of yourself that you actually did it and I bet you have a wonderful time. Be kind to yourself and take that holiday. Don't let anxiety defeat you and hold your life back. You'll only regret it afterwards. Just try and point the body in the right direction and you'll get there. You can do it. And remember, you're not the only person afraid of flying and all the rigmaroll of going on holiday, don't be so hard on yourself.
Myra

[jackie13]

Hi there

I read your post and can totally relate. Last year I had experienced some bad anxiety I recovered and booked a holiday for me and hubby to Spain. Week before my anxiety returned with full blown panic. Feelings of impending doom, death, the works. I got Valium from the docs and took one before the flight, I had an attack on the plane and my hubby explained to the air stewardess, she was brill! She got me out of my seat took to the back of the plane and set me to work helping her sort the drinks out, within 30 mins I was fine. I still get anxious when I board but I always think, I bet over half the people on the plane feel like me and the staff are so used to it, I also break the flight down into 15 min slots and give myself a different chore every fifteen mins, the flight soon goes, try to involve your family in this.

Good luck xx

[SueBut]

I know exactly how you feel about taking the valium. Once I have taken the tablet I freak incase it does something to me I don't like - this is probably linked to panic attacks and being out of control. I have recently had a severe bout of anxiety and was told to take the 2mg valium tabs morning and evening - after taking them for a couple of days I felt SO much stronger I was able to reduce it just one a day and now none. 2mg is such a tiny amount, it isn't going to harm you and can only help. If you start taking them regularly now, so they are in your system I am sure by the time the holiday comes you will be feeling much calmer about the situation and able to handle it. I wish you luck and a very HAPPY holiday. Go easy on yourself.x

[Under~The~Stars]

Hey Jon,

I'm sorry that things are difficult for you at the moment... Have you spoken with your partner about how you're feeling regarding your trip and flight? I have found that when you keep things to yourself it spirals completely out of control. But if you get it off your chest, and talk to people about it, it does get easier. If you talk to your partner, you can have that support... It'll make things easier, than keeping it all to yourself. I'm sure if it was the other way round and your partner was worried about something, you'd want them to confide in you, and you'd want to help in some way?

I know it's easy for me to say, but I think you'll really feel the benefits if you go on your trip. It could do you so much good... I do hope you go

And don't worry about posting here when you need to... I've just started using here again too. This place is great, and we all understand

You take care, and have a great time!

xx

[jonny]

Thanks so much guys for all your words of encouragement. Its great to know there are people out there that understand and that you can sound off without fear of the 'pull yourself together' comments.

I took 4mg of the Diazepam this afternoon at 1:30 and by 3pm i was laughing my head off. I guess it does work but i don't particularly like the feeling it gives. I guess its kinda like having 2 glasses of wine.
The problem is i cant stop at two glasses of wine! And with this drug i get the sense of unease as the feeling stays the same without getting stronger. I don't think i will ever get hooked on this as it really doesn't appeal to me. I don't get a buzz from it. But maybe that was just the dose.
So all in all i think it will get me to my holiday but i am not really happy about it.

To the guys that commented on my partners understanding and my fear of a break up:

Well, she has put up with me for 17 years. She has put up with crap holidays, me running out of pubs, crying at the thought of going for meals out with family, refusing to leave the house, being generally miserable.
She has put up with a lot but she doesnt understand as she is a strong person. She is fantastic but will only take so much and i can understand that 100%.
This holiday was my idea, i pushed her to go.

Thanks guys.

Jon.

PS: gagging for a vino but prob not wise while the Vallium is still flowing :-(

[joannap]

difficult one this - not regarding the setback - totally normal and it will pass but regarding the holiday. part of me feels you should go - the other part of me thinks that if the thought if you is making you ill then you shouldn't. yes - you could say your partner has put up with a lot but what if you had a physical illness/disabililty that made it impossible for you to travel - no one would be forcing you to go would they? if my husband made me feel bad about not going on a holiday due to me breaking down i would be divorcing him lol! although i understand its not always easy. if its just the travel part that is freaking you out then i would grit your teeth and go but if its the whole being away from home thing then this is a known common trigger for anxiety attacks/setbacks. its a fine line between knowing when to push yourself or being cruel to yourself. xx

[jonny]

Update here

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthr...704#post603704