Fear of death

[frankiesmum]

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for sharing about your phobias of death. I posted a very long post about my fears a few days ago - I have had this train of thought on and off for a very long time but sometimes I have gone for over a year where I can function fine then when the fear takes hold I am obsessed and terrified 100% of the time.

This fear is really horrible. You know I know this is a horrible thing to say but I think if I feared anything in life as much as this then I would surely kill myself! But that is certainly never crossed my mind - that's what I am scared of!!!! It seems like there is no way out and it becomes so scary!

I have had therapy and I am on medication - they do help numb the fear. I think I have learnt to recognise it as an irrational fear and that helps me - kind of thinking "this scares me because I have a phobia and not 'cause its really scaring everyone!"

I know completely what you mean about not being able to talk to anyone about it 'cause they just think you are mad - this makes this phobia so iscolating and much worse! But I am exactly the same - its too morbid, too grusome! But in some respects I also find it strangely reasuring that people think I am mad! Because it makes me realise that it IS possible to be at ease with death! Its not like all these people are ignorant to the fact that we die its just that they get on with it - and also I can be like that when I am feeling well!!!! And so were you Poppy when your parents died - death was staring you in the face and I am sure you were grief stricken but not terrified.

My fear, like yours is not of an accident or painful death but of their being nothing. I too can't believe in anything without proof. I really so so so wish I could!!!!!! That would be the perfect answer... are we control freaks? Is it because we don't like the not knowing?

Ive suffered for years with this and only joined this forum recently - its such a nice thing to chat to others about it!

xx

[LittleMissSunshine]

Hi everyone,

Although this is a horrible thing we share, it is nice to have people to talk to, it being called a 'club' kinda makes it feel a bit more fun..if that is at all possible?!!! Hope we can become friends x.

[frankiesmum]

Yes it is sooooo nice to talk about it!

Just wanted to add something else... A few of you have mentioned about trying to stop yourself thinking about it - I totally agree with this - I think this is a sympton the the depression that its very hard to stop the train of thought and if you can break it then it really helps the chemicals in your brain.

However I just wanna ask you all this - I find it so hard to stop thinking about it and one reason is this - I feel like I need to think about it to make sense of it and therefore put it to bed and move on. Obviously, through experience of having this, this never happens, I think and think and think become more and more anxious and depressed. But by stopping myself from thinking about it, although I know it is the right thing to do. I feel like I am not dealing with it and giving myself a 'false sense of security' almost ignoring it and being ignorant... does anyone understand what I am rabbiting on about???

x

[PoppyC]

Hi all & Welcome to the Fear of Death Club lol... I hope this keeps going because I know I will need to keep returning to it.
Thank you for all your replies as they really have helped me feel less alone with how I feel with this horrible fear.
I am going to try harder with the distraction techniques, but I am terrible with distraction - I distract myself and then go straight back to thinking about things again
Frankiesmum - I can relate exactly to what you are saying about needing to think about it all to make sense.
Steve - Your post made a lot of sense too, like the other posts do.
I think everyone must think about death at some point, but they don't stress about it as much as someone with anxiety and depression does.
Sorry to hear about your near drowning experience. That must have been awful.
My mum always wanted to die and I spent most of my childhood hearing her saying that right up until when she did die last year! She was very depressed most of her life and all she wanted to do was die, but never harmed herself. She refused all medication and help. She used to shout out loud that she wanted to die, and she told everyone from the gp to hospital staff to the reverend....it was just horrific. She was just waiting to die.Maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know.
I remember my dad taking my brother and me, when we were young, for a walk around the outside of the crematorium once when we went to the cemetary to visit my grandmas grave and my dad telling me that this is 'where we end up' Horrible!!! - Such cheerful people my parents lol
I remember the horrible cold 1960's looking crematorium which my parents went to. I never ever want to go there. Anyway....I am rambling now.
I was thinking about this fear last night, in bed, and I have decided to really try hard and not think about it anymore until I am 60 years old.
I have told myself I am not allowed to think about it until then, and the fear is mentally locked in a box and not to be opened until then, and that I can allow myself to enjoy life until then, when I am allowed to think about it all again, and by then I may not be so worried about it all, and if I die between now and then, well then I won't have been worrying about it. I know though that I will be worrying again about it all really soon however.
Does this make any sense
Thanks again for all your replies. It really has helped me.

[frankiesmum]

Well thank you for starting the thread! I think it is great that we are all talking about this!

I just wanted to home in on something you said Poppy - about that terrible crematorium experience. I have had lots of therapy so consider myself a bit of an expert! Lol... I really am convinced from my own experiences that those of us who have these anxiety problems have them from when we were kids and something scared us.

I have chatted with my therapyst a lot about this. Children have vivid imaginations which can really frighten them! I was a particularly deep thinking (still am) and had a big imagination - woke a lot in the night shouting my mum etc. Kids who see anything to do with death shouldn't be remotely scared by it not to wrap them in cotton wool but because they are too young to understand and comprehend it.

So for example when my baby died 2 years ago we had to handle this with my neice - she thinks her cousin is a star now and sings to her - she understands death in a very symplistic and sweet way - she is not scared in the slightest!

If you were scared as a child - which you would be from the statement - we all end up here! Then this is for sure playing a huge part on your fears now.

I am scared of getting old and dying... a lot of this is because of my grandmother being old and blind when I was a child... it scared me to be like that - in some ways I think when I am depressed I imagine that I will actually become my grandmother when I get old - strange I know but its my childlike subconcious scared mind taking over my thought process!

x

[LittleMissSunshine]

I too understand about the needing to think about it to understand it, to get to the bottom of it, to feel better but it can't be understood so we just make ourselves worse I think. Distraction is hard to do but is probably the best thing to do. I sometimes think how can people be getting so involved in certain things like mundane work or get worked up about stuff when we are all going to die and our time here is so short. Many people don't seem to give that a thought.

I like your idea of trying not to think about it until you are 60. I will try that! I am not being big headed here but I think I am an intelligent woman yet I let this control me. I try and be rational and say to myself just enjoy life 'cos it's going to happen anyway whether you worry about it or not..but that's not always easy to do.

The only thing that helps me is trying to believe there is an after life. Although I was always a Christian, I stopped going to church as my faith wavered. I never believed in ghosts etc before ot psychics but recently reading about psychics and some families of those who have passed away saying they are so accurate has given me some hope and comfort.

This club is helping too! x

[frankiesmum]

Yes you are right littlemisssunshine, it can't be understood it makes us worse going over and over it in our heads. It is really so important to try to distract yourself and if then its a catch 22 situation as the anxiety drops it becomes easier to distract yourself - at the start though the thoughts, I find, are like a drug - its so so hard to stop thinking them!!!

I have become obsessed with spirits etc in the past because this doesn't scare but comfort me - but my therapyst told me not to do this - they thought that as I didn't get concrete answers then I was just fueling the thought process.

Also I will agree with you (I sound big headed now!) but I am also intelligent - in someways I think this means we analyse things too much..

I can relate so much to the thing about people bothering about mundane things and it seems so wierd when your thought process is obsessed with the fact we die - its like other people are on a completely different planet to us in terms of their thinking. My husband was stressing about work the other day and I just thought - that is really not that important on the overall scheme of things - but really I am the mad one - not him???
x

[Typer]

I think all of us fear death, how, when, where, and what happens after if anything. Most people keep it tucked away (the fear). Unfortunately those of us who suffer the way we all do here, are more tuned and sensitive to the place where the average person keeps fears tucked away.

This fear is probably behind almost all the other fears we talk about here, or at least plays a big role in anx

[PoppyC]

Hi all
I went to Sainsburys earlier and was concentrating on shopping, when into my mind comes the thought of dying and I felt really overwhelmed by it and actually had tears welling up as I walked along. Its like the phobia is following me around at the moment. I reminded myself about the only worrying about it when I 60 years old and it did help but its not easy.
I am thinking about hypnotherapy because maybe that would help.
Frankiesmum - I am reading a lot about spirituality and I think it is because I am trying to find some meaning for life after death. I read so many books about how to deal with the fear of death and my bookshelves are full of self help books, but whilst I feel better reading them, afterwards I am back to how I was again and forget all the good advice

I agree about the mundane things too - I often think to myself, why are we all rushing around like ants on the planet, working, shopping, and doing all the usual things when there seems to be no point when this is all there may be? However I know we have to eat, and earn money and all the rest. I work and have interests, so its not like I sit having nothing better to do than worry about life after death.
I just see things as being pointless sometimes - but then maybe is that depression? but I dont feel depressed.
Has anyone tried hypnotherapy? I may read about Buddhism....

[fishman65]

Who was it who said the only two certainties in life are death and taxes?As for death,I've had moments too when I've grown afraid at the prospect and of course the inevitability of death.I do like that quote from Mark Twain,and it encourages me to look at our lives from a different angle.To fear death is one thing,but how about the alternative?To LIVE forever?Imagine the millenia stretching before you,and suffering with this illness all the way?Isn't that conceivably more frightening than death?

Fishy