Always scared.

[rblt94]

As far as I can remember I've always been scared in the back of my head. As self centered as this sounds, I'm only uptight about my fears such as being humiliated in class by having an anxiety attack and having to leave the room to pull myself together. I believe as I've gotten older that I have become so self conscious about my anxiey. My "issues" have warped the way I live and think and at the worst possible age, 16, when I'm supposed to at least put on a front that I know what I'm doing. Every morning when I wake up to go to school, my mind strikes into panic mode and I can only think of what the day will bring. My mind won't stop. I feel like I have two brains, the one I've been given and overtime the other brain, my dominant one, my Anxiety. It's linked into so many other self esteem problems that I don't really like to make new friends because I feel like a fake and too self centered to love someone else. Does anyone have the same story out there?

[j2]

i can relate. I am afraid of everything, if given enough time to think about it. Things I used to enjoy are too stressful for me now. My physical symptoms are overwhelming me at the moment. The "two brains" thing is exactly how I feel. Even when my logical half seems to be in control, the panic half is tearing me up and I don't how to stop it. Don't think you are fake. Making friends and keeping them is important. A true friend will understand what you are going through even if someone who is not affected can never truly get it. We are here for you and will never judge.

[rblt94]

wow thanks so much i didnt know anyone felt the same about the "two brains" thing. the only thing that might be different with me is that my mind has to think over everything before I jump into it to feel safer. Like with any kind of relationship I always act the way I think they see me and feel the way I think they see me. Like if I think they see a quiet person, I'll act that way or vice versa. I am never in my own shoes thinking of what I want to do or making opinions about others and not myself..I don't know how much more I can describe at this point, sorry.

[j2]

I know what you mean, you change to fit what you think is "right". At least for me, deep down I am so insecure that I can't be just myself b/c I either don't know or don't like who I am. I want to be a good person who helps others but I can't stop worrying about myself and my physical symptoms from anxiety. I see people that seem to be able to do things effortlessly that I can imagine doing. Sometimes I am bitter or jealous then I get to feeling depressed cuz I know I am the only one holding me back. I just wish I had the courage or faith or whatever to find my path and feel good about it. Anyway, you are not alone.

[rblt94]

This is the first time I've ever actually talked to someone else about this and they understand. I know what you are saying by how you want to help others when you can't even help yourself. And what makes you feel more like a selfish person is how you temporarily will feel sorry for yourself and say screw the world because no one understands this war in my head that is holding me back from being normal. For me, I'm trying to just go with it and not constantly think because deep down I know that I am my worst enemy and I have to keep reminding myself that to move forward and find who I'm meant to be and to accept that. I'm sorry to preach like this but I hope I helped you as much as you've comforted me.

[j2]

You are not preaching, it sounds like you are just trying to make sense of it all. I have dealt with this for a lot of years and accepted that I have my good days and my bad days. I have found several things that help (like this board) and you will find things that help you too. Claire Weekes has written several good books that help as does exercise, yoga, meditation and understanding friends. Never feel like we won't listen and never think that you can't post anything. Good luck to you. You are not alone nor a bad person.