Please don't judge me

[Buttons81]

Hi I found this group after finally deciding to look on the Internet about my problem, I'm really scared actually typing about this as I looked at another anxiety forum and someone had described something similar and no one at all replied. I know what I'm about to say might seem sick and wrong to you but I've just got to explain it's driving me crazy!
I'm scared I'll hurt someone like my fiancé or one of our cats I don't want to and I've never hurt anyone ever I only self harm but I keep thinking in my head that I could hurt one of them that I'll lose control one day for a few seconds and hurt them and it really really scares me, I can't explain properly what I mean, I finally tried to explain to my fiancé today and he really tried to understand but he had to admit that he didn't and why should he? I don't flipping understand it! It's not as I'd I want to hurt him I'm just scared I will and I couldn't tell him like how I could hurt him because I was afraid the more ideas that are put in my head the more ways I'd have to hurt him if that makes sense? I'm so so scared, and I can't sleep at night worrying about this and thinking about other things (suffering from depression too) i really think I'm going mad please help me someone

[shoegal]

You are not going mad. It sounds like you have unwanted thoughts or OCD of some sort. Sometimes we experience a distressing thought and then we worry about why we had that thought and start to fixate on it. Some people can't stop counting things, some people have to keep washing their hands for fear of contamination and some people worry that they may harm others (when in reality they never would). You say you are depressed - have you seen a Doctor or counsellor?

Hope this helps a bit.

[Buttons81]

Thanks for replying I've had depression in the past and been admitted to hospital with it, I started to get better but a big thing happened in my life and it crushed me, I met my fiancé and we moved away (ran away from the past I guess) and I saw a doctor here about 8 months ago now and he put me on some medication and has now referred me to a psychiatrist or is trying to, we live in a rural area and I'm worried about what the mental health care is like around here, our gp surgery is so bad that people have started to travel two hours on a bus to our nearest walk in centre, I'm scared they'll shut me away somewhere or just leave me to fall apart, my partner phoned the gp's office a couple of months ago and told them he didn't know what to do as he thought I was going to hurt myself and they said there's nothing they could do at the moment but they had an appointment in two weeks time or they may be able to get an emergency appointment for the next day! I don't know what to do sometimes I just want to run away to somewhere where I'm on my own and definately can't hurt anyone.
I'm so sorry for complaining

[RLR]

One of the most common manifestations in persons with intense and or chronic anxiety, alternatively anxious depression, is the sensation of imminent loss of impulse control. Ruminations about suddenly hurting family members or loved ones is the most common. It is the irrational belief that one's locus of self-control is unreliable and sufferers can either readily visualize the event and methodology that results in harm to others or alternatively are unable to discern precisely how it may transpire.

It is the selective feeling that the usual barriers between bad thoughts and bad actions have been removed and that unknown risk now looms. These patterns can manifest for a variety of reasons, but the most common is the establishment of irrational or unrealistic internal standards which produce constant failure, developing notions of persecution or inequity of some type. This predicament typically invokes constant ruminations about reprisals based on mounting or chonic frustrations which seem inescapable. Although held in check, it produces fears of approching thresholds beyond which lie a loss of physical and emotional restraint necessary to harm in extremely violent ways.

It is the random discharge of this mounting frustration, the origins of which are typically unclear or ill-defined due to their irrational basis, that produces subsequent fears of losing self-control.

It is important to always maintain the reference that while hollywood often depicts meniachal and graphic horror at the hands of seemingly uncontrollable rage, the real-world variety is much less frightening and actual loss of control and awareness of one's actions is not only unlikely, but highly improbable.

You'll be fine. You need to spend some time introspecting to see if you can identify any issues or circumstances which may be invoking patterns sufficient to produce the unwanted results.

Best regards,

Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)

[catchthepigeon]

One of the most common manifestations in persons with intense and or chronic anxiety, alternatively anxious depression, is the sensation of imminent loss of impulse control. Ruminations about suddenly hurting family members or loved ones is the most common. It is the irrational belief that one's locus of self-control is unreliable and sufferers can either readily visualize the event and methodology that results in harm to others or alternatively are unable to discern precisely how it may transpire.

It is the selective feeling that the usual barriers between bad thoughts and bad actions have been removed and that unknown risk now looms. These patterns can manifest for a variety of reasons, but the most common is the establishment of irrational or unrealistic internal standards which produce constant failure, developing notions of persecution or inequity of some type. This predicament typically invokes constant ruminations about reprisals based on mounting or chonic frustrations which seem inescapable. Although held in check, it produces fears of approching thresholds beyond which lie a loss of physical and emotional restraint necessary to harm in extremely violent ways.

It is the random discharge of this mounting frustration, the origins of which are typically unclear or ill-defined due to their irrational basis, that produces subsequent fears of losing self-control.

It is important to always maintain the reference that while hollywood often depicts meniachal and graphic horror at the hands of seemingly uncontrollable rage, the real-world variety is much less frightening and actual loss of control and awareness of one's actions is not only unlikely, but highly improbable.

You'll be fine. You need to spend some time introspecting to see if you can identify any issues or circumstances which may be invoking patterns sufficient to produce the unwanted results.

Best regards,

Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)

Can this be applied to all invasive/ irrational thoughts? I dont have fears of hurting someone but I do sometimes feel like i am close to losing control, feel dizzy and am unsure what iam going to do next based upon my irrational thoughts.

[cat2]

Hey buttons,
Your problem is quite common. Many people have unwanted, scary thoughts. It could be that your mind is distracting you with all these kind of thoughts from dealing with a real problem in your life. I don't know, I'm only guessing as It happened to me in the past. I was so scared and didn't know why I was having thoughts about hurting people.

I realised I would never act on these thoughts and was looking within myself what was really bothering me. My life was abit out of control so I guess my mind needed a distraction from not dealing with the real issue in my life.
You have to realise it's just a bad habit and that these thoughts can't harm you. The more power your give them the scarier they will become.

I learned to accept them and even use some humour like when I had a thought about hurting my husband I changed it to, what if I hugged him to death? The thought then lost its power and it wasn't scary after that. It takes practice.

You can look for self help books about obsessive thoughts, or if you need someone to talk to, how about a counsellor?

I could recommend a book which has helped me- "Overcoming obsessive thoughts/ Christine Purdon, David A. Clarck.

Best wishes,
Cat

[Buttons81]

Hi thank you for that advice it is good to hear from people that have actually experienced the same thing, I hope that doesn't sound too selfish.
I think perhaps a counsellor might be a good idea.
Thanks ever so much for replying

[cat2]

No problem
Sure you can do it!

Cat

[madamgg]

Hi Buttons
Please don't worry this is very normal for anxiety. I had exactly the same thougths, i would sit on the sofa and think 'what if i suddenly grabbed a cushion and tried to suffocate my husband' i have never been or never will be a violent person, and you must be very clear with yourself that you are not expressing a desire they are just horrible thoughts. I now have these about my 5 month daughter and they scare the living daylights out of me as the thought of me inflicting any harm on her is a terrible thought.
You have to trust that you will never do these things and the reason they frighten you so much is because the idea of hurting anyone is so awful to you. I used to think i would go mad, flip out, black out and come to, to find a blood bath or my daughter murdered by me..but it is never going to happen, hard to believe i know.
Someone explained that it is catostophic thinking, your mind takes the worst possible thoughts and dangles them at you. I have also been having what if's about suicide all though it's the last thing i would want to do, again my mind is saying, ok what's the worst thing she could do to herself, her baby and husband.
Thoughts do not mean action, i promise..
i hope this helps, i know exactly what you are going through if you'd like to chat again
Jane x

[Idstain]

Yeah i just want to say this is completely normal. Claire Weekes writes about this exact problem in her books (specifically about a midwife who has obsessive thoughts that she may throw one of the babies out of the window)

Because you are in what is called a sensitised state, fear and worry strikes so fiercely that you cannot get it out of your head. I suggest you read anything you can by claire weekes, you'll feel much better just from that .

It's all very curable