Dont Belong

[Mr Parfect]

Does anyone here ever feel they geuinely dont belong anywhere? I mean, especially with those who do have friends, do they have the nagging sensation that they simply dont fit in, or that their lifestyle/personality clashes with others?

I now have no social circle at all, and have myself for company 24 hours a day.

In order to try filling that void, I work during the daytime. However, I dont socialise with those at work coz I cant relate to them at all. For them, its a culture of getting wasted every weekend, and being loud.

I also distract myself from my pit by volunteering. While the time is eaten away, it is fundamentally a group of aspie teenagers. As im approaching the big 30, there is a culture clash here too, as these youngsters have their issues over school, and for the majority, seem to be well supported by the social work/education system....nothing like what I got growing up. Overall with the volunteering, their optimism clashes with my everyday pessimism over my own lifestyle. Ive also had reference in the volunteering sessions from these youngsters who make it obvious (through joking) that I dont fit in, and should be elsewhere. I dont blame them.

Finally, the few friends I had, are now lost, as that culture clash continues again. They, like me, are binded by their anxiety issues, however they all have more life experience than me, and find common communion in social drinking. With no social circle whatsoever, Ive never been exposed to that environment until meeting them, and feel disconnected as a result.

I wonder if I can claim to be the only one, at my age, in this situation, who has had no solid friendship whatsoever, and feels like they dont belong, no matter what they try.

[KK77]

I do relate to the culture of going out and getting "wasted" - in the name of "fun". It's a shame that people can't go out and socialise without going over the top and as you say being loud and usually obnoxious.

There must have been a reason for you losing the friends you had - and it's more than likely because you just didn't have enough in common with them. So it's not a bad thing really. It's a new beginning for you to find like-minded people that you can communicate with. The problem is isolating yourself and being resistant to making new friendships because your post implies that there's something wrong with you and you don't fit in or "belong". You do fit in, it's just that you haven't found the right people.

Make an effort to broaden your horizons. Don't keep thinking that there's something wrong with you. Look into increasing your confidence with self-help therapies like Paul Mckenna, Anthony Robbins etc. It really isn't as bad as you think.

[looking4answers]

Hi,

I think I know how you feel. As a younger person I never really felt that I belonged anywhere but had a loving family ,mother ,aunts and uncles so I didn't really worry about it too much. Although I never really new much about my dad's family on hearsay but that too I didn't worry about.

I had many people that wanted to call me friend but then I wanted to be the kind of friend that participated when I wanted to ..not when they wanted me to. I had many invitations to do things to travel etc.. but didn't want to. I found my company superior to any company that anyone could offer me.

After getting married I was happy and felt I belonged with my wife and children but over the years I felt a separation from them.Then my family meaning uncles and aunts and mother started dying out.

I was married the first time 23 years had two children and then divorced married a second time and have been ever since,except now I have two sets of children mine from my first marriage and mine from this marriage and still feel exactly the way you say.Im kind of strange in the fact that I enjoy other people's company up to a point and after that I would rather be alone. I try to be kind to others and for some reason people are intimidated by me. I have been told by my wife and others that I tend to intimidate other males especially. I really don't understand because I am a kind and caring person who treats others like I like to be treated..

Getting back to belonging. It must be a childhood thing. I am married again for many years and have five children altogether but I feel lost . .I have a home and nice place in the mountains and plenty of land and horses and things that I like and care about but have a nagging feeling I just want to go home. I don't know where that is because all the people I ever knew and loved meaning in the past are gone now.

The place I grew up has changed so much that all traces of my family there are pretty much erased like they never existed .. so its useless to go there. I feel that im suspended in time and place and don't belong with anyone anywhere and just will live until I die. Im not happy because of this and can't really feel close to anyone.So yes I think I might feel kind of like you do..and im 55.. God help us all. .

[Anxious_gal]

I don't enjoy going out but thats because of my anxiety. I used to go out a lot so therefore had more friends......
But you'd be surprised how many people enjoy just meeting for a coffee and a chat or watching a few dvds.
There's more to people than what they do or enjoy. there's always something you will have in common. or even talk about things they like to get the conversation started.

[NotResponding]

nope, i got no friends either, due to avoidance on my part. avoided because too much anxiety. When Im in groups I cant connect, even online sometimes...

[nervy-paul]

My circle of friends is limited. I go out very occasionally (apart from my part-time work) and often felt like I am a outsider, looking in on what others are doing, the feeling of 'belonging' is a nice though a fleeting feeling I have found. Like others have said, it is possibly down to not having found the right people - but where on earth do you go to find these 'right' people who you will feel socially comfortable with? Especially for those of us who live in a rural area? You can feel it's your own fault for not trying hard enough, but is it so wrong to not conform to what is considered the normal?

[shoegal]

Hi. I feel the same. I admit that nowadays I avoid getting too close to people due to my anxiety and agoraphobia, but I have always found it hard to fit into society anyway. I don't like noisy people who want to get wasted and unfortunately most of the people I know from my youth are like that (I'm 36 now). I prefer cooking, watching movies, reading, writing, craft, going for walks etc but I don't know anybody who likes that sort of thing. People seem to think I'm boring just because I don't like getting drunk, and I have nothing to talk about with people like that as we have nothing in common.

[Mr Parfect]

Well, thats my problem. The friends I referred to werent 24/7 party people...these were others whom shared a bond through their own anxieties.

This is why this disconnection, even with a group you would think I should have no qualms associating with, is hard to take.

[Brunette]

I used to think I "didn't belong" too but then decided it didn't matter. I wasn't going to pretend to be someone I wasn't just for the sake of social conformity.

I do have a small circle of very good friends whom I get on well with. Outside of that, I'm never going to be top of most people's guest lists but it doesn't bother me.

Mr Parfect what are your hobbies? Could you take evening classes or cookery lessons or something else that interests you? By doing something you like, you will automatically have something in common with the others in the group. Perhaps you might make a few good friends too.

[Mr Parfect]

as I eluded to in my earlier post, I do volunteering with a group of autistic teenagers. That itself should, in theory, be helping me meet others. Whilst it does in one aspect, becoz im far from a teenager myself, I cant really relate to their current trials and tribulations...im just seen as the old guy there. Now, Im paranoid about this without any of them making reference to this fundamental difference between me and them.

I dont really have many hobbies which involve others....I like music, walking, sports, computing, thats it. I have tried some Meetup groups, but nothing seems to really have an impact which makes me feel its right.