just wanted to share :(

[lotus]

Last night I thought I was dying, I've been feeling like s*** recently, driving myself crazy with worries. [xx(] As a result, I couldn't eat, drink, sleep AT ALL for several days in a row, all of that + severe anxiety and panic. I got tired to a point where I felt sick with exhaustion but still couldn't get any rest. Last night I had somekind of a shock, and I really thought that was the end of me - my bp was 80/40, pulse 150, I had hypoglycemia, dehydration, ended up crying all night long ... I'm a little better today, but just a little, my bf will come over to stay with me and celebrate new year and really all I want to do is get drunk, cuddle and have some sleep. I want to hide from everything. The reason for me feeling like crap was that I found out I have always had OCD /and I'm 99% sure about it/ and that I never really knew it, until recently ... I always thought that I was a worrier and a negative thinker, never knew that this was OCD all along, so many things match... I found out that it's cause is biological, like a defect in the brain and that it can't be cured, only treated with little to moderate success. It's one of the most disabling diseases. I can't believe this is happening to me. I know I'm being a drama queen, I just can't handle this very well. Now I almost feel like my place isn't in this forum, like I have no right to be here, and just feel so alone, hopeless and desperate. I feel like my life is over, I cannot accept the fact that I suffer with a disease that can't be cured. I'm scared. Can't wait to see the new psychiatrist right after the holidays. Just wanted to share with you. [V]

[Tomimo]

(((hugs)))

I wish I knew something to say to make you feel better.

I have seen lots of posts where Meg said it is common to get intrusive/repetitive thoughts with anxiety and it doesn't mean it's OCD. But even if it is, people with OCD can live happy and fulfilling 'normal' lives with the proper treatment.

I hopw that this blip passes and that you begin to feel better soon.

Annie x

[alexis]

And you do belong on this forum.

love from Alexisxx

If I help one person today it was worth getting up.

[nomorepanic]

Lotus

Are you saying that you have OCD and it is an incurable disease?

Nicola

[lotus]

I think so ... even though I haven't been properly diagnosed yet, I very strongly believe that is the case with me, I did the most extensive research possible, I've become an expert. I wish I had a normal brain, or at least a condition that can be cured with positive thoughts and willpower. Panic+GAD+depression+body dysmorphic+borderline+OCD is not a nice combination at all. My mind is like a freaking mental disease catalog. :([No]

[nomorepanic]

Lotus

OCD can be cured with therapy so don't think that it can't be cured ok.

What form does your OCD take?

Nicola

[lotus]

There's many OCD kind of things that have happened in my life, and I'm sure there's plenty more which I can't remember right now. I generally feel like my brain is overactive or just not working the way it should.

1. breathing awareness, compulsive overblinking and overswallowing - mostly when stressed, but it still happens often enough + it's so hard to shake it
2. fear of getting AIDS or another serious illness, creating weird and complicated worst-case scenarios in my mind of different ways in which I can get AIDS, like from a public restroom or if someone drinks from my bottle of water etc, I have never actually developed any avoidance behaviour, but I still worry. Then in my mind I go over the events of the day a couple of times to convince myself that the probablity is very low and that I am fine
3. I remember that at one point in my life I was thinking that I would never kiss a guy or have sex with him unless he has an AIDS test done first, now how weird is that! When thinking about sex, I always think of all the possible ways in which I can get pregnant or get a disease even if I use protection, and even if the risk is very very low
4. I remember when I was little I used to hold my breath when I walked past certain bushes, which I was told are poisonous, because I thought that I might get poisoned. I don't do that anymore, but I hold my breath when I go past a big garbage can because I don't want to inhale any possible diseases! That's not normal. + I always avoid standing/sitting next to a gypsy /we have a lot of gypsies here in bulgaria/ and I dread the thought that they might touch me, because they are always very dirty
5. I remember once when I was little, I think I was in grade 6, I suddenly thought of the possiblity of starting to take drugs, and I was repeating in my mind "no, I don't want to take drugs" and it lasted for a couple of days at least, I don't actually remember it very well, it was a long time ago. There was also an occasion in 4th grade when there was a dead rat in the schoolyard, and I walked past it, and then I was thinking to myself "OMG, what if I stepped on it, I might have an infection on the soles of my shoes that I can possibly take home and the whole family will die of it". Don't remember how long it lasted, but it was worrying me. I also had an occasion when a thought crossed my mind, the thought was of selling my soul to the devil /yes, I know it's funny/ and then I was thinking to myself "no, no, no, I don't want to sell my sould to the devil". That one lasted for a couple of hours or days I think. I also had an occasion when I said something to my dad, I don't remember what exactly, and then I felt the need to explain everything more clearly to him again and again to make sure I have not been misunderstood.
6. sometimes I touch the refrigirator when I walk past it /only once/. That doesn't happen on a daily basis, only sometimes, I guess I want to make sure it's closed because my mom's always been telling me to be careful not to leave it open.
7. I pick my skin and bite my lips and the insides of my lips as well. Sometimes I do it unsonsciosuly.
8. Sometimes a word or a phrase or a music pattern gets stuck in my mind for a very long time. Sometimes I think of someone and then a thought appears in my mind which is "they're so stupid", or "they suck" and then I feel so guilty of thinking about that because I don't really mean it
9. Sometimes when I read, I have to go over some passages again and again to make sure that I have understood them fully, I always feel like I can't concentrate well enough in order to understand everything. I also write very slowly, and I reread what I have written multiple times, because I want it to be perfect, I can't move on to the next sentence until the previous one is good enough. Sometimes I actually take pleasure in rereading stuff, which is weird, cause I know it's only slowing me down. I actually often reread some of my old posts for example. Also, when I send an email, I have to check multiple times if I have the recipient addr

[Piglet]

Nigel couldn't have put it better Lotus.

All of what you are feeling has been shared by people on here at one time or another.

You are just at a very anxious place right now, I can promise you that will subside. Try not to keep adding to these thoughts if you can, I know that is hard but distraction is a great help when your head is too full of yourself.

Even reading can take your mind of you for a little while, this gives your tired brain a rest.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[lotus]

Thanks

I'll try to distract my mind at least for a couple of days until I see the new psych. and discuss the situation with him. I'm waiting for my bf right now even though I'm paralysed with fear and not in the mood to celebrate new year ... at least I know that there's people who love me and support me despite my weirdness and mind full of mental health crap. I desperately need a hug and some kind comforting words.

[Piglet]

Big hug coming up

((((((((((((((((((((((((((L))))))))))))))))))))))) ))

Love Piglet x