CBT and ME

[artisticrender]

Aside from saying hello to everyone this shall be my first and with luck my longest running post.

Its aim is to share my experiences with you all, gain some form of therapy from it and as a by product (hopefully) help others in a similar situation with there own battles.

The focus is on CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and my experiences in using these techniques when challenging my own anxiety.

Id like to make a point at this time that despite a brief session with a GP who specialises in behavioural therapy and hypnosis I have not once seen a therapist for my condition. This has been for a variety of different reasons, but I will probably outline these later on down the line. I have also chosen not to take any medication for my condition, again for many reasons and have opted to "kick it freestyle". I have done a fair amount of experimenting with several different types of CBT based techniques and its these experiences I would like to share with you.

It is my aim to (eventually) treat this thread as a diary of sorts where you will be able to see which techniques I have been able to apply to which situations and what the outcome has been weather it be good or bad. As well has how this has effected my condition in the long term.


Id like to take this time to welcome you all and I look forward to sharing with you. And I hope that this thread can help you as much as it is going to help me.

As a forecast, my next post will be about how I have come to this point in my life and my reasoning behind my current method of thinking. I plan to make this a warts and all account of my experiences to date. Although in itself, a relatively selfish form of therapy for me. I do recognaze that some of my potential readers may be experiencing similar situations that I may have experienced some 2 or 3 years ago and may be usefull to them to learn how I had managed to overcome them, or not. Or at least with my current knowledge how I should have reacted during these times.

So again welcome. And I look forward to sharing with you all.

Steve

[artisticrender]

And so I begin. This post may take a little longer to write as I am about to saunter off to meet my girlfriend for her break around 4 ish. This in its self is a big deal for me and my condition but you will understand why once the story I’m about to begin arrives at today.

First I would like to begin my story. I will endeavour to include all instances where certain CBT techniques would have been useful and what I actually did to overcome these situations.

For the purposes of this story I have decided to refer to myself in the third person because I have decided it would be more fun this way.

Steven was a very shy little boy who always had trouble making new friends. This didn't bother him in the slightest though as he was perfectly happy playing alone and exploring the wonders of the outside world. If he did however meet new friends he would happily play along with them.

But one day Steven was a very naughty little boy. He had been happily playing in his mother’s bed room when he found a box of matches. After lighting a few Steven had burnt his fingers, dropped the match along with the box and set fire to his mother’s bed. Being a timid little boy Steven had always found the safest place in the world was the bed, he could cover himself with the covers and the world outside would disappear. Terrified of what his mother would say or do to this little calamity Steven quickly hid under the sheets. But because Steven was a silly little boy who didn’t yet understand the dangers of fire he climbed into the wrong bed.
Stumbling along the incident his mother found a frightened little boy quivering on the bed with his leg ablaze. Completely silent, no tears, no screams of pain. The fire had completely burnt through the flesh and removed the nerve endings from his leg and little Steven was now in a state of shock.
To this day Steven can only remember starting the fire, climbing into the bed and then later having the scar tissue on his leg. He cannot remember anything in between as his brain had read this experience as too traumatic and deleted it permanently. This black period of non memory could have been for several weeks or even months. However you may be pleased to know that Steven made a complete recovery and the scar on his leg, having happened so early in his life is now barely visible and has shrunk as his leg has grown.

I have included this tale as it may bare relevance to events later in Steven’s life. But we’ll get to them later.
For personal reasons unknown, Steven and his mother were later forced to leave there home. What followed for most of Steven’s childhood was a systematic bouncing from place to place passing through many institutions and into several different cities. This left Steven with a unique view of the world and an interesting accent but also a fear of commitment and social anxiety.
This social anxiety Steven still suffers to this day but as the least of Steven’s anxieties it will be treated last. If Steven had been aware of this anxiety as a mental illness instead of palming it down to shyness he would have been able to receive help. He would have been able to, by a regimented exposure to his anxiety; learn to understand the root causes of his anxiety and then by a process of challenging this thought system, slowly ebb away at his fears.
I world like to stop here as I would like to tidy up before my girlfriend comes home and pop some dinner in the oven for us. Pizza, chips and garlic bread Mmmmmm. It would also give you a little break before I continue.
If you have any questions or concerns at this point, please feel free to ask and will I have a bash at any and all comment before I begin each post. Ill try to be as open as I can be to any responses so please feel free.
Ill try and finish this up tonight if I can. If not ill post it tomorrow once ive completed my daily CBT.

Steve

[artisticrender]

Hello everybody.

Well its a new day and I didn't get the chance to finish up last night as promised. I have decided not to do too much challenging today as I am very tired.

I have been doing allot of work attempting to challenge my anxiety over the past couple of days or so and I am sure that more than a few of you would understand just how taxing this can be. What with constant self inflicted anxiety attacks, my attempts to squash them and then the onslaught of positive adrenalin when progress is made. Its mentally and physically exhausting.

These challenging experiences I fully intend to share with you as It altered my method of thinking. But for that I need to bring this thread up to date. And so I continue my story.

5 primary schools, 1 pet cat and 8 or so gold fish later my mother and I finally settled down in a nice little house that then became my home for the next 8/10 years.

It was somewhere in this time that I had experienced my first black out. I had accompanied my mom to the post office. Im sure more of NMP's British members would agree just how crazy the length that the cues can get in these places. So it goes without saying that we were there for a while. It was about 10 am and I was still a little raw from sleep. We were about half way through the cue and still waiting when something strange began to happen to me. I began to feel really light headed and "spinney", my mouth became really dry and I became hyper aware of my tongue. :P The world eventually closed around my eyes and I had passed out. In all of my 10 years of life I had never experienced anything like that.

I came around to a kindly lady holding a glass of water and some ones little girl saying "mommy mommy there's the boy that fainted" My mom was watching from beyond a picture of absolute distress. I have no I idea why I had fainted but I do not think that it was anxiety related. Perhaps I was unwell or a lack of food or water that morning, im not sure.

It was from that point that I became acutely aware of the bodily changes that lead to passing out and began to develop a fear of this reoccurring. I did return to the post office a few days later. On this occurrence I had been all too aware of what had happened previously. As we waited I began to feel a little funny again, or at least I thought I did so I excused myself and went to sit outside where I could get some oxygen into my lungs.

Check out little Steve with the management of his anxieties. Fair enough, I wasn't aware of CBT then and I didnt get to "safely" challenge the experience but I was able to abate the sensations and I was perfectly fine afterwards. I was then able to visit the post office in the future at my own leisure with only the niggling awareness of all that had gone before.

This awareness of the symptoms prior to passing out has stayed with me to this day and in recent times became a leading phobia.

I did learn some interesting techniques to combat passing out while going through the RAF Cadets which I would like to share with you all. At the end of the year we would have what is called a Passing Out parade. Which if memory serves is to mean passing out of service. It was a very long affare where we are all expected to stand perfectly still while awards are given and encouraging words are spoken by the commanding officers. We, in our squadron had a running joke that it was named due to the number of people who would actually pass out during it.

It was then we were told a few things. Firstly to wiggle our toes. This helps to keep the blood circulating and stops it from gradually draining away from the brain and pooling in the feet. Secondly to just breath, deeply and slowly. Finally, if we did need to pass out; we where to excuse ourselves (In the correct military fashion of cause) and that the was no shame in doing so as it is better to be safe than unconscious.

Additionally, This may be interesting to some of you. If you were to pass out then a glass of warm warter with a few spoons full of sugar mixed in should do the trick. I'm not entirely sure of the relevance of the water temperature, maybe someone who has heard of this before would be able to chime in. The water its self is obvious but the sugar helps to replace the lost blood sugars when going through this experience.

This has served me well when once nearly passing out in a mcdonalds. I know, the place just bring it out in you. :P I felt really dodgy, went to the bath room for a breather and to calm myself. Which didn't really do much. Luckily a member of staff was in the bathroom at the time. I asked him to fetch me the sugar water. I think he assumed that I was diabetic but he did what I asked and after few more minuets of controlled breathing and sugar water I was able to emerge from the bathroom unscathed.

It goes without saying that I was extremely anxious leading up to the parade as I had already pegged myself as someone who is already prone to passing out. However I did very well, I kept my toes a wigglin and I got through to the end. In fairness I was distracted at the time by the guy in front of me who had an annoying habit of swaying slightly as he stood. I was convinced he was loosing his control, that he was going to keel over and I would be the one to catch him. He didn't, so its all good

Well, now I'm going to take a break. This post is in danger of becoming over long and I think I have bored you enough :P Ill get some house work done, get fed and maybe take a shower because I smell like a yeti.

I hope what I have written so far has been some use to some of you and ill return with the final leg of my story and then the real work can begin.

All the best.

Steve

[artisticrender]

I have been doing a bit of googleing and have come to realisation that there may ba a conflict of understanding with regards to the title of this thread. I have come to find that there is also a disease abbreviated as M.E. Ooops

I don't actually suffer from M.E. (at least I don't think I do) and I'm beginning to become concerned that sufferers of this disease are coming to this thread for guidance and receiving none. It was meant to be taken as (ME) myself.

Please do let me know if this has caused any confusion and Ill quickly change the title if I can.

Apologies in advance and I hope that the those of you who do suffer from ME eventually find the answers you are looking for. Good luck with your journeys.

[artisticrender]

Ok I'm back. I've actually been back for some time and was already half way through writing this post. However as I was writing it began to drift into a kind of “woe is me” area as I worked through my disturbing memories. I have now opted to re write to help keep the focus.

After events in my previous post I left school, got myself through collage, gained a girlfriend, lost some friends, gained more friends and started full time work.

It was at this time my social anxieties began to surface and make itself known. It was more apparent during group meal times and I’m sure that fellow sufferers of social anxiety would agree that these times are particularly difficult to endure.

During these occasions I would attempt to quash the nagging butterflies in my stomach who would make it abundantly clear that I am not allowed to focus on anything else. While I would attempt to put up a veneer of normality where I would force feed myself only to end up in the toilet 20 minutes later feeling desperately sick and uncomfortable.

I do wish I had more to offer on this subject for those who also suffer from social anxiety but unfortunately I don't. Luckily for me this particular aspect of myself has not been as debilitating as it may have been for others. However as soon as I have ironed out some of my more pressing anxieties I will thoroughly look forward to joining you on your journey of recovery and self discovery.

That being said I have come to understand that my social anxiety could have been a potential reason behind my depression and agoraphobia and it does tend to overlap or sneak its way in. Going forward I will try to deal with these thoughts and fears there and then. So you may still be able to find some pieces of information on the subject.

Having survived a couple of high profile projects at work it was upon ending the final project that my depression began to show its self. The final project ended and I was left with two options. Either leave the bank or take a demotion. Being that time of year when most other companies were also wrapping up most of there projects, there was very little work available on the market. So, I took the demotion.

This new role became such a shock to the system that I began to show extreme signs of depression. This had been for a multitude of different reasons too numerous and complicated to list. It suffices to say that I had a very hard time both at work and at home.

Slowly my behaviour began to change. I became more closed in emotionally (if that was possible), I was taking more time off work using up all sick days and a years worth of holidays in order to spend more time away from the office. My relationship with friends had taken a hard knock and I had pretty much either lost touch with or completely alienated the ones I did have. The relationship with my girlfriend at the time, which was already rocky, completely broke down and subsequently she left me. Taking with her that cat and most of my belongings. It was not long after that where I found it completely unbearable at work. I was then facing a disciplinary for not complying with company policy when taking absence for depression. As this was likely to end in my dismissal thereby losing 5 years of valuable experience I promptly resigned.

This was probably one of the darkest points of my life. I was utterly depressed; I had no, friends, no more girlfriend. And with no income and no girlfriend income I was looking to loose a flat that I had grown to love. This meant after a good long run of being completely independent and happy it was now time to move back in with my mother.

Things got pretty bad for me at this point and there are ton of little details that contributed to my overall health but as this post is in danger of straying into "poor me" territory again and its already over long.

Things did eventually turn around and this includes how I managed to stifle my depression (for a little while). I met an interesting new person, who later became the light of my life in the form of my current girlfriend. How we met is a story in itself and one that is probably worth a few Awwws :P

Over time she became closer to me than any other. Also coincidently she also lived in the same city where the department headquarters where for my old job (the one I actually enjoyed). Score.

I finally had a plan, though still emotionally crippled by past events; I had something to aim for. So like a cannon I shot for it. My plan was to: move cities, share my life with my new best friend, get cool job back.

This is the concept id like to share with you. I'm not saying every one who suffering from depression should find love and change there lives. What I mean to get across is that having a positive substantial goal helped me to stop swimming in circles and slowly begin to claw my way out of the well I had fallen into.

So I did, I managed to land myself a job that could fund the trip over and began to make arrangements to secure my old favoured position at the bank.

Things didn't however turn out according to plan. I didn't get my old Job back. Apparently 3/4 years working in the very same position I was applying for wasn't enough to qualify me for the job (despite my attempts to pull a few string along the way). However, on the plus side; I wasn't alone, my girlfriend was with me every step of the way.

The initial plan from then was to stay at the bedsit I had moved into to cut costs and work of some of the massive debt Id worked up by not having a job for so long. The bedsit itself became a problem during my stay there we were flooded out, gassed out, subjected to carbon monoxide poisoning and of cause there was the fire.

This fire turned out to be one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. However I will try and keep it brief :P It was started by a neighbouring restaurant who's oven had caught fire and then back fired into the chimney system. We were woken up by one of the residence who had awaked in the middle of the night to find the fire had spread to his room in the bedsit. We all then rushed out of the building in what ever clothing we could coble together as the fire-fighters tackled the blaze. The smoke alarms didn't go off on till sometime after we all vacated. We were later told that if we didn't get out when we did we could have all died that night.

I would like to briefly thank the fire brigade for there brave work and of cause to the British red cross who despite having a broken tea dispenser were a massive help in our hour of need.


What followed was a very trying night and subsequent few weeks. And of cause with my previous experience with fire this one had left its marks on my mental stability. There is allot more tragedy and even some comedy to this story but not really relevant at this time.


I then began to show signs of extreme anxiety first on the bus coming back to the bedsit from our temporary lodgings and again at a fire works display that New Years Eve.

With the bedsit still in disrepair and with no option to move out I became very ill and had found that I now suffered from agoraphobia. I had completely lost my apatite due to my unrelenting state of anxiety. As a result I had become so thin that I was four missed meals away from needing urgent medical attention. Subsequently I became very weak and prone to passing out if i remained standing for too long. I had also developed a fear of going to the bathroom. As we lived in a bed sit you need to lock the toilet door to get any privacy so I was afraid of passing out inside with no help available.

Id likes to say that I found some cool tricks to dealing with this anxiety but I didn't. It was an entirely new experience to me. It all happened so quickly and without warning I barely knew what was happening to me and was too weak to do anything about it. I remained this way for close to a year. I did have some help in the form of GP's and others eventually however I found that allot of my anxieties abated over time until I became a little stronger to cope.

Since then I have continued to challenge my anxieties where ever I could, trying out new techniques and methods of thinking. I even developed one of my own I called "What are you talking about? You’re not agoraphobic!" where I would pretend I wasn't and see how far it got me out of the house. It goes without saying it wasn't very effective. :P

Up until recently most of my attempts to overcome my agoraphobia have been loosely based upon distraction. Which in my case has had some positive results as much of my anxiety is based on the anxiety itself and regular exposure should eventually squash this fear.

However it has been with my recent attempts using "challenging" that has seen the most positive results and over the past few days and it is these events that have spurred me to write this thread and trade knowledge with you all.

And thus ends the first chapter of my life of anxiety, next chapter the future. I want lie, I have found the entire process very therapeutic and I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone. Just the simple action of going over the disturbing aspects of my life and applying these to paper I have found out things about myself and my anxiety that I didn’t fully realise prior to writing. My only hope now that my experiences can be of some use to those going through similar ordeals.
I’d like to full stop this post with a few thank you’s. Firstly to my darling for giving me the strength and encouragement to endure what I have endured and without whom I would probably be in a much darker state than I am now. To my little darling (the cat) for being so cute and fluffy and keeping me company wile imprisoned in the flat. Thanks to the creators and vacillators and anyone involved in NMP for creating a wonderful platform for help and support. Last but no means least thanks to all members of NMP who have helped to create such a welcoming and friendly environment for us all to enjoy.
My next few posts; as promised will be about my recent experiences with challenging my anxieties (the ones that have been most successfully to date). I will probably provide a separate post for each day to make it a little easier to digest and would ease nicely when this thread becomes a diary of each day’s events.
Lastly thanks to you the reader for having the stamina to carry on reading up to this point. I do tend to waffle on dont I?



All the best
Steve

[artisticrender]

A special note for people looking for CBT tips. I forget to mention in previous posts that a good friend of my girlfriend let me copy some CD's she had based on CBT when I first became agoraphobic.

They are written and performed by a Dr Alistair Dobbin (I think I have the name right) and they are in the form of hypnotherapy that also includes allot CBT techniques. Mainly aimed at those suffering from depression but can be applied also to anxiety sufferers. You will all so be guided through the breathing and relaxation techniques too.

The friend I borrowed this from used it as her primary form of CBT along with beta blockers and has managed to make herself un agoraphobic.

I myself haven't had the same level of success but I have had some good results in my condition and it has been very helpful.

I think it might be freely available on the NHS, however that maybe in Scotland only. For anyone interested ill try and dig up a link at some point and post it hear.

Steve

[artisticrender]

With regards to my last post. I have been doing a little digging and I have found that the CD's can be available free on the NHS. However this may still in Scotland only but your GP may be able to point you in the right direction.

The therapy is called Posotive Mental Training and borrows allot of CBT techniques but delivered in the format of hypnotherapy. It was developed by Drs Allistair Dobbin and Sheila Ross in conjusction with a ton of research conducted at the Edinburgh Uni.

If you wish to purchase the CD's they are a little pricey (Well for my wallet anyway) at £48.99

Ive started a fresh cause of sessions with these CD's and I will continue to do so over the next 8/9 weeks or so. As this is a form of self help treatment ill continue to write about them when this thread becomes a diary and ill try and explain the process and results as I experience them.

For those interested:
Here is a link to a site that sells the CD's amongst other. The site may offer more information on this treatment too.

Additionally. While looking for information on this subject I found some very useful videos. They teach you the muscle relaxation and breathing exercises. Techniques that feture havily in both CBT and PMT.

If like me, you havnt been fortunate enough to have access to a therapist or some one who could teach you to perform these techniques correctly, these can be ideal as you can see how they should be performed.

Here is the link.

Hope this information serves you well.

Steve

Oh. P.s. If anyone has used these CD's before you'll have to let my know. It would be interesting to see how others have got on.

[artisticrender]

Well I'm anxious to get on with it and bring this thread up to speed so I can begin my diary.

About a week ago me and my girlfriend had a fight. We don't fight often and we are in fact very happy together 99.9% of the time. She is the sole bread winner as the department for work and pensions have been next to useless and I am physically incapable of leaving the the house in order to hold down a job. This is something I'm sure many NMP members can sympathise with.

So yes we do fight on the occasion. I have my difficulties dealing with my depression and anxiety. As she picks up the slack, dealing with the financial side we tend to get in each others faces.

It was in the aftermath of this fight that I noticed a pattern in my behaviour. Most fights run along the same theme (my agoraphobia) and of cause after each one, faced with the fear of losing the only remaining happy constant in my life, I would get a kick up the bum and really focus on my getting better. Unfortunately as my depression has been a constant I would eventually become complacent and inactive again.

So I came to the conclusion. I can either wait for the next big fight to happen or I can do something about it NOW!

So I did, try.

It was a few days later and I was heading out to the shop to pick up some supplies. However my usual (safe) shop didn't have everything I needed. No bother, there was another one a little closer to my home. so I went to pick up the rest of the stuff there. As I got there I found the shop to be closed. I started to get a little panicky as I really needed the items and the alternative was much further out of my comfort zone.

It was only up the road, left and then down some more. I could swing that. I figured I could get in, get out and Id be home before I knew it. I would have learned that there was nothing to be anxious about and Id be able to do much better next time. Right?

Wrong!

I started to feel a little more anxious walking up the first street. So I tried to distract myself by looking at all the old buildings and interesting shop windows. I started to apply my breathing techniques but still continued to move at a steady pace. By the time I had reached the next road (a very busy high street) my anxiety had escalated. I increased my efforts to control my breathing and tried to slow my pace. But before I knew it my pace had quickened again and I dived into the shop.

Matters got worse as there was a cue at the till. There was only one lady but she was taking ages and I had wanted to get this over and done with. I had become hyper aware of my surroundings and found it very difficult to breath. At that point I knew I was going to pass out. Just as I was about to lose conciseness. The shop keep signalled it was my turn and SNAP. Close to all feelings of anxiety drained away and I was able to breath easily again. I paid my money and left. Though still so agitated Im not sure if I stayed long enough to pick up my change.

Up to this point I thought I was beginning to get a handle on my anxiety and I couldn't understand why, on this occasion the handle slipped away.
What had happened between the two shops that caused my anxiety to get to this level? I had reserved to get to the bottom it. Detective Steve on the case.

What followed was a ton of research. After spending allot of alone time with my good friend google I eventually found this forum. I began to learn allot about my condition and possible treatments. Especially CBT, which at that point I had some experience with but I wanted to learn more on the subject. It was then I found the website living life to the full. It was here, along with Helen Kennerley's Overcoming Anxiety, which is a self help book using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques. I began to take a firm grasp of how to give myself a solid CBT course.

All knowledge gained and safely locked away in my noggin. I began to analyse my previous experience, noting all instances where I might have went wrong.

namely:

• Rushing. I was rushing through the task to get it completed. Big no no. Naughty Steve. I had also began to quicken my pace.
• Distraction. Though a good coping tool, this technique is usually frowned upon and in some schools outlawed.

What I should have done was: As soon as my anxiety had begun to escalate. Slow right down, maybe even stop. Apply my breathing and relaxations techniques. Then consider what thoughts and feelings, aside from panicking about my anxiety I was experiencing and have a shot at challenging them.

With this in mind I had a clear idea of how I should have handled this situation and had set myself the challenge for the next day to make this trip again. Armed with a fresh set of coping techniques.

I'm hungry so I'm going to grab myself some tea and Ill let you know how I got on in my next post.

I hope what I have written so far as been of use to some of you and ill be back soon.

Steve

[artisticrender]

Me again.

So the next day. Same route. From the outset I got it wrong as I had my girlfriend on the phone as a form of detraction. I did make a better effort to control my breathing and my walking pace. So I have that in my favour. As a result my anxiety levels weren't nearly as high as yesterday (about 5/6) but still pretty uncomfortable.

Not feeling confident that I could get my levels down enough to tackle the shop I'd decided to make my way back home. As I was about to walk down a narrow part of the street I was cut off by a women rudely barging past me with a push chair. "Cheeky B*". But as that happened and as my concentration was focused solely on the injustice of it all, my anxiety had instantly dropped down to a 3/4. This is the second time now where some random social interaction has pulled me right out. Maybe someone would be able to help me out on this as I have no idea?!

I didn't go into the shop after that as I didn't really need to but i felt confident enough that if I did I would be fine. I did sit outside the shop for 10 minutes or so, though while I chatted happily to my GF. I then went for a brief wonder for about 20mins, feeling relatively fine and much like my old self.

So a confusing success. I did have a very nice time and the key accomplishment was that I was able to control my anxiety to some degree with breathing and pace.

For my next challenge I had chosen a different shop to see how I would get on.

Next Post: 2 days ago and prior to going mental and writing a load of nonsense in this thread.

Steve

[artisticrender]

Day 2 and a better result.

Sorry for the lateness of my post. I had some financial matters to deal with which set me back as far as progress is concerned but I'm trying not to let it effect my mental stability. As a result I haven't been able to do much challenging today but this post is about my last session so ill just got on with is shall I?

Before setting out I decided to go to a different shop but it was more or less on the same route. Id only been to this shop once in my life and It was a little further away. So a better challenge.

In this challenge I wanted to try out being a "Thought detective" meaning that I wanted to pay very close attention to any thoughts or feelings that occur when my anxiety levels change. This is something I've never done before. But for that to happen I need to get myself good and anxious. so out I go.

Pretty much the same route as before. This time I decided to take it slow and no GF this time to detract me as she was away at work. From the outset my anxiety level increased. This was to be expected as I was about to undergo a challenge. So slowed down a bit and started to apply my breathing and relaxation techniques. This helped and I felt I was able to carry on.

Then it happened I had been trying to keep my mind on my thoughts since I set out and had experienced nothing so far. But as I got nearer to the shop I could feel my anxiety levels raise a little and a negative thought popped in to my head well more of a feeling. It had something to do with acceptance, which up to that point, I wasn't aware of as contributing issue.

So great, first thought to challenge. That thought was too abstract to correctly explain here although I did know what it meant to me at the time. So I instantly began to explain to myself that the people in this town are some of the nicest and friendliest you will ever meet. Also that they where probably too busy with their own lives to even think twice about what I might be up to. Also as I looked at some of their faces I imagined myself waking from passing out and there concerned faces looking down at me, asking me if I'm all right.

I was already in and out of the shop without incident as my mind was preoccupied by this initial thought. By the time id got back to the place where I had initially had thought I had to slow down as I had this overwhelming sense of belonging, that I was welcome and that I had every bit a right to exist on this street as anyone else on it. I then felt at equal to them. A little poetic and abstract I know but that's feelings for you.

As I had completed my goal, for the first time I was able to catch and challenge an anxious thought and that my anxiety levels where manageable I had decided to treat myself to a little wonder about.

For extra credit I thought id push my boundaries and see if I could increase my anxiety levels. What followed was allot of wondering about generally having a good time. I was still listening to my mind and body for any changes. Unfortunately nothing came.

I finally realised that what I was doing (all be it subconsciously) was letting my anxiety steer my direction. What I decided to do was choose a place to go to (in this case a shop) and go for it. So I did and disappointedly no increased anxiety(I know I'm actually disappointed I didn't have a panic attack). I was very clumsy though as my general anxiety was still present and did eventually have to leave the shop as I might break something. :P

As I right this I have spotted one incident where I went wrong. And I have noted this for future challenges.

I was on particular road and began to realise that it was a long dead end. This shot my anxiety levels up as I started to think that the further I walk down this woad the further I am away from getting myself to safety. Again I noticed I began to quicken my pace as I looked for a pedestrian turn off. I wasn't able to catch this behaviour as being naughty at the time as I was due to meet my girlfriend on her lunch break and was about to head back anyway. So naughty Steve

I noticed my anxiety levels go up again when I was talking to my GF at lunch. She introduced me to a college of hers. Though they were fine when I first met him they started to raise the longer I was in his company. Unfortunately I was too busy talking to my GF about her day and my progress to be aware of what might of caused this spike in anxiety.

So I eventually went home feeling very pleased with my self.

What I have Learned:
That the techniques work I just need allot more practice.

That my social anxieties probably have more of an impact on my general anxiety than I realised and I plan to put this to the test in future challenges.

Allot of my anxiety is based on how safe I think I am at any given moment and would need to become more open to thoughts of this nature.

Going Forward:
I need to figure out what is feeding my general anxiety while outside as a seem to be at a constant level of anxiety.

Well there you have it. I had such a good day that it gave me the confidence to start this thread. I had also noticed a slight change in the way I think showing that it was having a positive effect on my depression.

As a random question does any one find themselves completely exhausted after going through similar trials. First the constant onslaught of anxiety, the pressure on the mind and body trying to deal with this and then all of the positive adrenalin when things go well. I was well and truly pooped.


Steve