CBT and ME

[artisticrender]

Well there we have it. I'm up to date.

Just so you know, at some point I plan to do some tidying up on this thread. Mainly deleting the first few post about my history. I plan to do a better version and submit that to the "My Story" section. Just a genreral description would suffice for this thread but I will provide a link to this when its done. I'm hoping this would make this thread more digestible as I am aware that I do tend to waffle on. Sorry about that

I am also becoming aware that the scope of this thread is shifting more towards "How I am treating myself with self help methods only" and I would need to reflect this more precisely in my opening post.

Feel free to ignore this particular post as it is more for my own notes than anything :P

Steve

[artisticrender]

I have decided that for my next session with myself. I'm going to go back to the dead end street as it clearly made me anxious. If I can feel the same as I did last time I'm going to see if I can bring myself out of panic using CBT. This time im going to be a good boy and stay put and maybe learn something along the way.

So tomorrow: dead end have panic attack.
Wish me luck.

Steve

[artisticrender]

Ok I'm back from the dirty deed and I'm ready to let you know how I got on.

I woke vary anxious this morning and it took a long time for my stomach to feel ready to hold onto anything. Eventually forced breakfast down and had plenty to drink as I didn't want hunger or dehydration to be an excuse to return. I was still very anxious and it wasn't going away. What I noticed most was the incredibly uncomfortable feeling in my stomach which almost enough to call off the whole thing.

So I decided to apply a little CBT to this. Asked my self why I was feeling like this.

"It was because I knew I was setting out to experience greater levels of panic". I replied.
"That's fair enough" I thought
"but what are you feeling".

I then tried to figure out what was happening to me physically. I then realised that the uncomfortable stomach was due to the high levels of adrenalin being pumped into my system. This is so we can react quicker and be stronger, I then tried to convince my self that even then this was a very good thing. I was about to undergo a trial and this little extra help would be an added benefit. Yes, it was very uncomfortable but it was a good thing.

This helped me take my mind off my stomach for a little while though the discomfort was still there. I then realised that if I call it off im going to feel very disappointed in my self and that's not going to help my depression any. So i decided to to leave the house any way.

Leading up to dead end road was terrifying. There were a good few moments where I thought I would lose control. I did try and challenge this as I want along. I would say to myself. So what your gonna pass out, what's going to happen? You'll fall over, someone might come and help, they might not. There is usually allot of police on this road and there trained to handle this kind of thing. You'll come round, feel embarrassed, your body will take control of itself and you can either press on or go home. You will probably feel allot better having passed out than you did before it anyway.

This kinda got me through along with my breathing and relaxing exercises, but I was still feeling very anxious.

A note on breathing. I found that instead of a succession of deep breaths I found, for me, that one long deep breath is enough and then steady regular breathing afterwards. I found that I became more dizzy doing multiple breaths. This however did mean that my panic would see-saw, but I think that was more the panics fault and not the breathing.

I carried on much in the same fashion on till I got to dead end street. So this is it. This is what all the anxiety was about. To be honest it was a bit of a let down. I felt more anxious and panicky in the run up than I did when I got there. Sound familiar?

As realised there was nothing to be afraid of anymore I began to relax and the positive adrenaline kicked in. Went for a wee wonder, Still felt anxiouse at times but was able to keep it under control. Ended up having a lovely day out despite the cold.

So target completed.

What I learned.
That my anxiety about panic is doing more damage than the actual task itself.

I still need allot of work controlling my anxiety.

I developed a breathing technique that works for me.

That there was next to no point being anxious in the first place.

I allot of my anxiety comes from the fear of panic and losing control.

In Addition.
Feeling exhilarated. I had decided to work on my social anxiety a little. What I wanted to do was engage in a conversation with a stranger.

I opted to duck into a shop that caught my eye and spark up a conversation about their products. I did feel my panic spike when chatting away as I knew I was now stuck in a situation that would be very difficult to escape. But I just stuck with it hoped it would pass and tried to keep my mind on the conversation. The panic soon passed.

I did find my depressive thinking creeping in on the way out. I had my eye on an item that was on sale. I started to think about lack of funds due to anxiety and stopped myself. I decided there was no use thinking that way. I told myself that I had made some fanastic progress and that its only a matter of time till I can get better, get a job and buy that item.


So what could have been a very bad day turned out to be a really good one.

My next challenge.

I'm not sure. I may step up my list of anxiety situations. But I am very tempted have another shot at today's challenge to see how I get on having already done it today.

I've been told that a good way to do these challenges is to keep doing them over and over. Until anxiety and panic become such a non issue that you actually become bored.

So yes tomorrow, same again.


Thanks to any followers, it is your quiet attention that is helping me keep this thread up. I apologies for another long post and thank you for your patience. My posts always seem to turn out allot longer than is probably necessary or welcome.

I'm off to use all this energy to do the house work and ill let you know how i get on tomorrow.


All the best

Steve

[artisticrender]

OK another day another challenge.

I woke feeling just as anxious as I did yesterday which made me think that today was going to be every bit as difficult as yesterday.

Once again waited awhile before forcing breakfast down and getting myself well hydrated. Feelings of anxiety hadn't dissipated so, again I left the house regardless.

Had a hard time leading up to the main street I would be walking down. What with the smells from the various restaurants chocking me as I walked, and I suppose it didn't help that my cold was kicking off again. This did get a little better as I got onto the main street.

I spent much of my time convincing myself that passing out wasn't such a bad thing. However as I got about half way down the street my method of thinking began to change. I began to egg my panic on. Daring it to do its worst. Telling myself to just pass out already. I didn't.

As I got closer to my goal my confidence began to increase and my anxiety began to subside a little. Though still very anxious today challenge was my much more doable than yesterdays and the whole trip seemed to go by much quicker, where yesterdays felt like the longest 1/2 mile of my life.

So result, though the days started out fairly similar I did notice a significant increase in my ability to cope. Tomorrow I will do it again and see if it can get better.

Challenge completed, I phoned my GF to let her know, went for a little wonder. Although my brain felt foggy and a little dizzy my anxiety was manageable and had a good time. I even saw a falcon up close for the first time today.

A good day

Steve

Next challenge same again.

[artisticrender]

Hi

During my last challenged I mentioned light headedness. I know why now. I am officially not very well .

I had the makings of a chest infection about a week ago so I had decided to take it a little easier, be ultra mindful of my breathing and think nothing else of it. Well, with all the time I've been spending out in the cold recently it seems to have escalated. Sods law that the first time in two years that I spend a decent amount of time outdoors, I catch a cold :P

So, just letting you all know that I will be out of commission for a few days to a week and I hope to be back on track as soon as I'm well again.


Interesting little extra, the last time I was this ill I became agoraphobic. Given that this all started with a great illness it seems poetic that it should end on one too. Maybe this is my sign :P


Speak to you all soon.

Steve