Panic attacks Begun..

[Neverbeensoscared]

Im having so much trouble with panic attacks at the moment and i just dont know how to feel at the moment. It all started two years ago when lots of horrible things started to happen, I suppose from the light young age of 12 I began to get worse and worse, with more understanding and knowlegde as i grew. My parents split and its something i didn't like, but kind of wanted to happen. My dad moved out straight away and my Mum overdosed. She was in hospital for a day at the most, but i was the only one who was there with her at the time when she did it, anyway she got over this. She became stronger than ever. Me and my Mum to this day are very close, I dont know if I would have survived without her. I started to fall out with my Dad who i was very close too whilst growing up. When i say close i mean such a Daddies girl. He taught me everything, made me get into dancing swimming and everything really, taught me to ride a bike, was generally there for me, so when we both started to fall out, i realised i was missing a lot. I felt like I was living in this broken home, alone. He was cheating on my Mum before he decided to divorce her, I know because he made the mistake recently mentioning that he had two girlfriends within the space of two years, he could only have had them before also, as he has been with his current girlfriend for a hell of a long time now. My grandad passed away in november time of 2008. That was something i never thought would affect me as badly as it did. I had always been close to my Nan and never knew the secrets and lies that were hidden behind my "close" family. I always resented my grandad, he hurt my Nan on one occasion and i hated him for that, when he died i found out the truth and he had sorted things with my Mum. I felt when he died, as i was there with him at his death, i felt those last couple of hours were the only chance i had to make up for what i had missed during his life. I made the most of it, he could not see speak or move very well, he could only hear and myself my Mum, Nan and uncle were there when he died. I believe he waited for us to come, as before we got there he was trying so hard to get off the bed and out of it, like he didn't want to let go until we were there. I went to see him after in his coffin, that was one of the best times of my life, it was the second time i had ever given my grandad a kiss and the last. He died of a hell of a lot of illnesses. I wish he could have lived a few more years so i could know the truth and make it up to him. When he died, my Nan showed her true colours, she also has demeture, a very common illness at the moment which many people living now will die of when they grow old. Its increasingly common and both of my Nans brothers died of it. My Mums brother turned my Nan against me my mum and my brothers. We no longer talk to them or see them, My uncle only wanted her money and doesn't want her going to a doctor to be diagnosed as he basically wants her money fast. Crule but still we dont see them anymore so its fine. That did affect me big time though, my nan was my best friend. I started college this year, i loved it so much when i started and now i have developed panic attacks it all started when me and my boyfriend had fallen out, thats what set the first one off, i was worried he hated me or something, had such fear. But a few weeks before that i had not been able to sleep and had some sort of anxiety feeling before going to college one day, it took me ages to walk out the door. The paramedics have come to college twice when ive had panic attacks there, because its in a far place from where i live its hard to get home. I have many friends to support me and know what to do, to be honist you can't do a lot so its hard. But i coped and went to the doctors. The first doctor was rubbish she did not reffer me to anyone, or give me anything, she left me feeling more worthless and more suicidal. The second doctor was brill, she gave me beater blockers? I think thats what they are called, Not sure though. They help but i still get them. I dont get them as much though. I have been feeling very very suicidal for a while and have not been to college this week. To top it off, my backbone through all this was my friend and he tried to kill himself recently. He is okay though and is back home and well. I just feel so guilty as he said bye to me and stuff. I can't get that out of my head, feeling like its my fault because ive been so messed up recently. I know he is ill, but i feel like its my fault. I know no one will probs read this long winding story. But i needed to get that off my chest. I dont know who else will listen and who else i won't upset trying to talk about these things. I cannot sleep right now, :/ Im feeling really bleh.

[pinkpiglet]

My goodness! what a lot of upset you have had in your life. Far too much for a young person to be exposed to from such a young age. It sounds like you were carrying your families burdens on your shoulders & I can't even keep up with what you had to endure. My life as had some similiarities to yours, my mother was ill with chronic anxiety ever since i was born, she was in and out of hospital for this. I had a very stable and loving family around me, my dad (although he never really understood my mothers anguish) was a good husband and father and worked hard to feed my mothers spending addiction. My dads family basically helped raise me and i was very close to my paternal grandmother. There may have been a few secrets embedded deep inside the core of my family (i'm sure you find it in all families too) but they were shielded from the younger members and from my point of view everything was hunky dory!! It wasnt until started to get older that I started to be affected by things. I would notice my mother was ill and that people werent really as 'emotionally' supportive as they could have been. My nan died in 2008 and it broke my heart into a million pieces (I dont talk about this to anyone else), my saviour in this world had gone and this is when I developed grief anxiety and ended up here.
I understand how very important it was for you to make peace with your grandad and I think it is wonderful that you did. I think that you should stop burdening yourself with the fact that you only sorted things out at the end because I really feel that this is how things were meant to be for you. He left this earth with the love of you in his heart and now you should find closure in this. You still have issues in your life and things still weigh on your mind. Work on one thing at a time and put closure on these things. You cannot carry them about with you forever. You need to move forward with your life. YOU DESREVE THIS MORE THAN ANYONE!
Accept that some things cannot be changed and that some things were not/are not your problem.
Your anxiety wont just disappear but at least with other things laid to rest you can start to concentrate on yourself......FOR ONCE!!
I am glad that you are making headway in your life, you are at college, you are seeking help and you are wanting to talk and be open about your feelings. I'm surprised that you are so level headed after all you hve been through
I wish you the very best for the future and I am certain that if you eventually have children of you will shield and protect them from family politics and let them be children. Good luck x

[Neverbeensoscared]

Finally i feel like i have found someone who really understands what i feel.
I am so thankful that you took the time to reply and help me out with it, even reading it has opened my heart too you so thankyou so much!!

I am sorry about your Mum, i know what she feels when you say no one else was "emotionally there" people need someone to at least try and understand or give reassurance, even if nothing is going to turn out perfect. There is always hope and not many people show it for people with anxiety and panic attack or for generally anyone who is in some sort of puddle, which they cannot get out of.

I do think that children such know about the family secrets, when your old enough of course, but i dont think i will ever hide the hurt and pain ive had to endure, it makes you appreciate life more if you know these things straight out. When you grow up finding things out that you never have found out before really hits you hard, as you get to understand these things straight away and i mean im not stupid which must be what people thought!

I am sorry about your Nan, i can tottally understand how you feel. Death is such a simple but confusing thing at the same time. I have tried to speak out about my grandad but i find not many know what ive been through. Watching grandad die was like watching a scene from those SAW movies like he was trying to escape but really it was just doctors trying to keep him from moving off the bed. I read a letter to him at his funeral which i know he heard. I just sometimes wish that i could see his ghost or feel his presance or something. I am going to come to terms with this now. Your right, that was mine and his time to square things and i know now i have done enough to show my very love for him. Even if it wasn't in his life.

Thankyou for the confidence boost. Many people around me say i have a good head on my sholders, if people who dont know me can realise this then i can too, it gives me the will power to go on living. i will always keep your post and remind myself when i feel im starting to go down hill a little THANKYOU SOOO MUCH

I am determined to get these under control

Thankyou again xxxxxxxx

[gypsywomen]

hang in there love ,, dont blame yourself for your friends feeeling so bad ,, we all have to think positive with this awfull illness .but believe me there is a light at the end of this long dark tunnel be strong xxx

[pinkpiglet]

I am so glad my reply helped! you came across so well in your post that I understood exactly where you were coming from and I could relate alot of it to myself.
I could have told you so much more about myself and the things that have been 'wrong' in my life but I have faced these issues and put them to rest so I no longer see them as relevant (if you get my drift). You will be able to forget many things too in time, aslong as you sort them out in your own mind and lay them to rest. You have to 'accept' that things happened in your life and if possible 'forgive' yourself and others. You will feel the weight be lifted off your shoulders and begin to feel more relaxed about life. I obviously stil have anxiety (which comes and goes!) I have accepted that this is me. Anxiety as been embedded in me from a young age, i was weaned on fear and worry. I used to blame my mum for this, but now i realise that it is not her fault and she was as innocent in all this as anyone. I cant go through the rest of my life, wishing things were different and wondering 'what if?', I have to just keep going and so do you.
I too was there when my Nan died, me , my dad and my aunt were there to hold her hand and tell her how much we loved her. Her passing was humbling and peaceful and she was very religious so she was going to her Heaven and to her god and loved ones who had passed over before her. This gave me great comfort but was not enough to stop me getting grief anxiety. She had chose to spend the night before her funeral in church, for this we had to have 2 services, 1 on mothering sunday when her body was taken into church as an offering to god. Then the next day, on the Monday, was her funeral. (Thanks Nan, as if i didnt have enough on with the one service, lol) I suppose we have to find strength from somewhere and our own way of dealing with things. Like you... You were extremely brave to stand up at your grandads funeral and do your reading, what a wonderful getsure and yes, I too am certain that your grandad could hear you. That is so amazing!!! I too wish for my nan to make her presence felt and i know if i went to a spiritulist, she would come but at the same time, it scares me as i want to believe she is at peace and far away from here, making up for the pain and sadness she suffered!!
Please keep me posted on how you re getting on xx

[Neverbeensoscared]

I have been to spiritualist churches, but it depends on who you get at the time. Some people really are crap and others are really good. Really fun experiances

I believe strongly in ghosts and spirits and stuff, really gets me going. Something i like to think of which keeps me at rest. I do believe that my grandad is safe but it would be nice to get some sort of like reassurance that he is from him himself.

i do think i heard his voice. When my friend overdosed, i started to run to his house on the way i had such hope he would be okay, i had grandad inside my head telling me what to do and that it would be okay, i thought this might have just been my mind playing tricks at such a dogey time, but it could have been real too. who knows.

Yes of corse i wil keep you posted, i really can't thank you enough for helping me out.

thankyouuu xxxxxx

[Lil]

I can't help but feel that we're in the same boat,
From the age of 10, I lost my aunt, my grandmother, and worst of all my father, my entire life fell to pieces when he died, he was my best friend, but I had to look after my mom because she was in such a state.
Many negatice things have continued throughout the years such as bullying etc and school being generally stressful. Things really turned for the worst around this time last year when I was forced into a relationship, things got from bad to worse with that (lets not dwell on it) close friends managed to get me out of that situation after a month or so, but then, meaning so much to me, one slipped into suicidal thoughts and self harm which entirely broke my heart, because i know that there's nothing I could do (I was having nightmares about him sevearly harming himself or killing himself, which is when the panic attacks started); the other, not quite as bad, but again, was self harming.
About this point, my world started falling to pieces, but me being me, it got worse, my mom and her bpyfriend split up, and school got alot more stressful, and I became even more of a target for bullying. Oh joy of joys.
I've been suffering with depression for atleast 6 months and anxiety is gradually eating me alive and now I've started with panic attacks too, I've never had a panic attack in public, but I'm getting worse at an ever increasing rate.
I'm glad you shared your story (and I'm sorry I keep posting on what seems to be every thread you post, please don't think I'm stalking you!)

I wish you the very best, Lil x (Jasmin)