Im having so much trouble with panic attacks at the moment and i just dont know how to feel at the moment. It all started two years ago when lots of horrible things started to happen, I suppose from the light young age of 12 I began to get worse and worse, with more understanding and knowlegde as i grew. My parents split and its something i didn't like, but kind of wanted to happen. My dad moved out straight away and my Mum overdosed. She was in hospital for a day at the most, but i was the only one who was there with her at the time when she did it, anyway she got over this. She became stronger than ever. Me and my Mum to this day are very close, I dont know if I would have survived without her. I started to fall out with my Dad who i was very close too whilst growing up. When i say close i mean such a Daddies girl. He taught me everything, made me get into dancing swimming and everything really, taught me to ride a bike, was generally there for me, so when we both started to fall out, i realised i was missing a lot. I felt like I was living in this broken home, alone. He was cheating on my Mum before he decided to divorce her, I know because he made the mistake recently mentioning that he had two girlfriends within the space of two years, he could only have had them before also, as he has been with his current girlfriend for a hell of a long time now. My grandad passed away in november time of 2008. That was something i never thought would affect me as badly as it did. I had always been close to my Nan and never knew the secrets and lies that were hidden behind my "close" family. I always resented my grandad, he hurt my Nan on one occasion and i hated him for that, when he died i found out the truth and he had sorted things with my Mum. I felt when he died, as i was there with him at his death, i felt those last couple of hours were the only chance i had to make up for what i had missed during his life. I made the most of it, he could not see speak or move very well, he could only hear and myself my Mum, Nan and uncle were there when he died. I believe he waited for us to come, as before we got there he was trying so hard to get off the bed and out of it, like he didn't want to let go until we were there. I went to see him after in his coffin, that was one of the best times of my life, it was the second time i had ever given my grandad a kiss and the last. He died of a hell of a lot of illnesses. I wish he could have lived a few more years so i could know the truth and make it up to him. When he died, my Nan showed her true colours, she also has demeture, a very common illness at the moment which many people living now will die of when they grow old. Its increasingly common and both of my Nans brothers died of it. My Mums brother turned my Nan against me my mum and my brothers. We no longer talk to them or see them, My uncle only wanted her money and doesn't want her going to a doctor to be diagnosed as he basically wants her money fast. Crule but still we dont see them anymore so its fine. That did affect me big time though, my nan was my best friend. I started college this year, i loved it so much when i started and now i have developed panic attacks it all started when me and my boyfriend had fallen out, thats what set the first one off, i was worried he hated me or something, had such fear. But a few weeks before that i had not been able to sleep and had some sort of anxiety feeling before going to college one day, it took me ages to walk out the door. The paramedics have come to college twice when ive had panic attacks there, because its in a far place from where i live its hard to get home. I have many friends to support me and know what to do, to be honist you can't do a lot so its hard. But i coped and went to the doctors. The first doctor was rubbish she did not reffer me to anyone, or give me anything, she left me feeling more worthless and more suicidal. The second doctor was brill, she gave me beater blockers? I think thats what they are called, Not sure though. They help but i still get them. I dont get them as much though. I have been feeling very very suicidal for a while and have not been to college this week. To top it off, my backbone through all this was my friend and he tried to kill himself recently. He is okay though and is back home and well. I just feel so guilty as he said bye to me and stuff. I can't get that out of my head, feeling like its my fault because ive been so messed up recently. I know he is ill, but i feel like its my fault. I know no one will probs read this long winding story. But i needed to get that off my chest. I dont know who else will listen and who else i won't upset trying to talk about these things. I cannot sleep right now, :/ Im feeling really bleh.