Hi all
I won't write an essay about it as there seem to be so many similar threads here - which I have to say is hugely reassuring.
I always found my worst problem was the dread associated with going on a night out - I would worry for the 24-48hrs building up to it, going over and over in my head all the things that could, and probably would, but rarely did, go wrong. I would get myself in a sweat, with stomach pains, pale, dry mouth, just petrified.
Over time I've nailed that thanks to a mixture of meds and experience, but does anyone else find themselves massively analysing everything they say, to everyone, ever?
I can't have a conversation with someone without thinking about how I came across - do I annoy them? Are they only nice to me out of pity? Now I've left the room are they talking/laughing about me?
You know that constant feeling that you've just messed up - damn, what a clutz I am, I must look a total idiot now, etc. Thing is, I know logically that this probably is rarely the case, but I still do it. In my job I have to have meetings with important accounts like major car manufacturers, Kraft Foods, Vtech (toys) etc, and I have to be confident which I manage - but underneath I'm terrified! This little boy in a suit pretending to be a grown up and not get sussed...
I make a joke to friends then think "Oh man you sounded like a right dick there" and I'll go over and over it in my head a million times until I've driven myself insane. Sometimes I'll get so low about it, wishing I could just be like everyone else, letting it bounce off and not taking every little benign comment as an insult. "I know he was joking, but there's always that tiny chance he was serious" - but even if he was, who cares?! Gah!
It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one.
The silver lining however, is that I'm now VERY self-aware. I'd much rather second-guess everything than be in total ignorance of my arrogance or something. It's one of the lessers of many evils I guess.
OH well.
Matt