is it the tablets or is it me???
Hi, ive just joined, i have taken great comfort in reading there are many others suffering out there the way i have for the last couple of decades. Not that im glad you are suffering but it eases me that someone else may actually just know how i am feeling and be able to understand that!!! I have sufered with the ongoing, life dominating torture that is anxiety!! Bloody anxiety, words i must have uttered sooo many times. I know what it is, i understand the sensations and symptoms but until now i dont think i have actually realised how powerfull it is or how it has been controling my life. I have lived with it so long that is has become the norm. In fact the other day it reared its ugly head, as the thought entered my head, what would I do without it??? Who would I be without this old nasty friend that i have become so used to? If I actually had the power within me to banish it to the bleakest part of my mind, what would be left?? A life without anxity!!! That thought gave me anxiety, how screwed up is that??? Am I hiding behind, is it really a protecter, in a nasty form???
My problem began when I was 6. I was poisened, i ate a slug pellet. silly thing to do I know but its what happend. the next day I was in town with my mum, dad and sister. I felt ill. they take 24 hours to kick in!!!To cut a life long story short I was very ill, a vomit fest!! in public!! I actually had an audiance! It resulted in a fear of vomit that has controled my life ever since. Im now 33. As ive discovered over the years anxiety-phobias etc have the ability to branch out. one god awful thought or fear has the ability to turn in to a fear of something else, hence where I am now, pretty much petrified of everything!!! I am trying to take control as the last couple of anxiety episodes have kept me off work and terrified me more than ever before, and produced a feeling I have never experienced before. ( a new breed that has branched!!) I wouldnt describe it as a feeling of doom, more a feeling of terror! The only thing I can liken it to is how i think i would feel if I was sat in a doctors office and he told me I had six months to live! This feeling has the power to come over me for no apparent reason, and I cant work out if anxiety is causing the thought that leads to the feeling or the feeling is causing the thought that leads to anxiety?? so I started taking St Jons Wort and started to feel better, but now im worried that its the tablets that are in control and not me!! I am a rational person, I thought!!! I can calm myself when panic starts, sometimes it takes longer than other times, im worse just after that time of the month and convinced that hormones have a big part to play in the way im feeling, I comfort myself with that reason, its not me im not mad, but I just cant shift this god awful feeling / thought!!!
I feel like im actually going mad, I dont want to end up in a padded cell but the feelings/thoughts are very powerfull, i feel this new breed may just have beat me! I want to stop taking the tablets but i darent, in case!!! please help xxx
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Alison
