So I grew up constantly being around pretty severe domestic abuse. I don't remember anything really. I block it all out. I read a diary of mine once when I wrote some things like I saw my dad holding a knife to my mum's throat, etc., and I hear my mum say she remembers me being tiny and running to hide under the desk when he came in. Which of course is a pretty big deal. I feel sorry for my younger self. But I don't really remember anything.

Now if someone raises their voice the tiniest bit, or looks cross at a drop of water on the table, or god forbid kick a door/throw a paper bag in frustration, I seize up. I am physically unable to move and I feel this massive, freezing cold wave of sickness and total terror creep up inside me.

I have pretty bad health anxiety (every day I am worrying about a new type of cancer or serious disease despite being very healthy) and I do need to sort myself but I don't know how. I had very bad depression as a teenager so I am used to doing all the counselling/yoga/whatever the doctors think will help, but it doesn't seem to. It worries me because I wonder if maybe this is it- this my life, my lot in life, I had a bad start and will have to just stay dealing with the effects now.

I think I also had another unrelated type of abuse (sexual) at about 3 or 4 years old. This still feels pretty... private, and embarrassing, especially due to the fact I can't remember anything concrete, who it was, where, etc. But I am very certain, and I'm a big cynic. I have been thinking this for a few years now, and apart from the concrete memories, everything else fits into place. I have, or had, all the signs of it having happened, but it's doubly bad because I can't tell anybody as it sounds like I'm making it all up! I would ignore it and say I have enough provable memories, but this affected me in a very different sort of way, so it would be helpful to come to terms with it.

Anyone got any advice?