Scary everyday

[hallam11]

Hello,
I have written on the forum before but I have some questions and thought this was the best place to air them. I am very confused as I don't really know what i have! Ok so I have always been a worrier, i mean very badly like when I was 6/7 i used to play families with a girl across the road and we kissed. I was so scared about what it meant I prayed every night. I was slightly bullied by my sister and my dad was not a nice person to be around so I became quite load to overcompensate for all the anxiety I felt inside (something i still do). I used to have certain things I had to do like make sure my curtains were straight before going to bed, my sheet on my bed had to be straight. I couldn't walk on those lines in the malls and jumped over them, i had to go to the toilet before eating dinner and had to pray before certain times.

Anyway my dad left and broke the family up and it was horrible, me and my sister got the brunt of it and half of our family stopped talking to us and we were pretty outcast. Then when I was 17 I met a girl and she paid me a lot of attention and we started a relationship. It was hard because we kept it from everyone.I felt very ashamed and didn't know this was exactly how i felt. When I told her she was gutted and made me feel quite guilty. Anyway she led me to believe that she would be shattered if we broke up and I didn't want to hurt her so I stayed with her. Because of this I went really really downhill and kind of broke down, i went to see a counsellor. After this I began having really terrifying thoughts about hurting people, I went really bad and just couldn't handle it.After a while I had to end it with the girl and she didn't treat me very nicely after but I did begin to feel better but then the horrible feeling crept back in.

Anyway I took the plunge and went to university when I was 18 and things didn't get better because as we all know you cant run away from your issues. I saw a brilliant counsellor and she did help but family issues arose again after I graduated and things have gotten worse. I had to move back in with my mum after uni as most people do and she has moved so I had to leave my job. Usually when I am busy my mind does not focus entirely on my bad feeling and bad thoughts but now I don't have a job cause of the move they have hit me full pelt.

When I say bad thoughts they are the type that stop me dead and fill me with fear,dread,nausea and make it hard for me to concentrate.The type that are on the ocd forum pages well Ive had all of them, they get me to the point where I actually think I will hurt people,that i am a murderer,paedophile,animal neglecter.....whatever bad thing there is I believe i am.I feel everyday that I am not a good person wheni try so hard to be but don't think i am and then talk to the people i love the most in the most awful ways because i feel downright awful.Its really crippling and after 5 years (I am now 23) i have really had enough now and need some help that will help me in the long run. Anyways I wrote this really just to air myself, im sorry its really long but I have this thing where I have to let people know the details etc and try not to leave anything out.I have left out specifics because I realise it may hurt or offend and i respect people enough not to put them through that.

I would appreciate any feedback anyone has as to whether they have felt the same or any insight they have. Thanks


I truly hope everyone on here will find their answers and lead a happy life.

Take care xxx

[hallam11]

I wondered if anybody could help or had any similar problems to this. I have been told that these thoughts I have, the ongoing bad thoughts are a form of OCD (Called pure "o") Funny enough it doesn't make it any easier to live with knowing there's a reason for it.
I have read somewhere that it could be useful to keep a daily diary to track progress or state of mind so I started last night.

[nervy-paul]

Writing feelings down, whenever you feel the need to and not everyday if you didn't want, is a good way to unburden your mind, make the 'motorway traffic' of thoughts slow down abit. Everyone needs someone/something to confide in and is a healthy way to express feelings. Good luck. )

[Maj]

Hello,
I really feel for you. You don't seem to have had the most happiest of childhoods and I think it all catches up with us eventually. It's almost like a legacy. These thoughts are a product of anxiety and low mood and depend on your dislike of them to keep happening. They are a common symptom of anxiety and are suffered by many. The thing about this symptom is that they completely overwhelm you and make you feel that you have no control over your mind, when it's actually only a repeated thought that can do no harm. The anxious mind makes you think of the most grotesque thoughts and you take them to the limit! It's a mixture of anxiety and vivid imagination. Please try not to be frightened of the thoughts because they are only thoughts. No more. When they come just carry on with what you are doing and don't give them the importance they seek. Have you spoken to your doctor about them? If you find it really difficult to cope then antidepressants can be of great help with this, only in the short term until you feel stronger again. With acceptance you can learn to live with them and when they lose their importance then they stop happening, and even if they do they don't mean the same because you are no longer afraid of them. Please don't despair. You are not alone with this symptom and you can recover from this.
Myra

[clairity]

hi. i just thought id send u a message so you knoww you are not alone. i have a similar history to you. i was bullied by my mother and she showed favouritism towards my brothers so i was always the outcasted and unwanted child. my father finally left the marriage and i bore the brunt of it. eventually leaving my mother after onyl 1 week and have never made contact with her again since. i had to leave the place that i grew up, as you say running away from my problems, as she began stalking me a little. that was 10 years ago and i moved away 8 years ago and it all catches up with you eventually. i think the breakdown of my own relationship has caused all the problems to come to a head again. just remember its not your fault. you were a child and the people you trusted hurt you. we can be stronger people and we will be. if u want to talk more u can pm me.

ps i also cant sleep if the curtains arent straight.

[hallam11]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it really does help knowing that people know about it and still want to talk to me. It also helps that people do go through the same things. I have sought information about receiving more counselling which has made things slightly easier because I know it helps me. Myra I have been on anti depressants before, I am not opposed to restart on them however I do find it difficult because I had to move back in with my mum after university due to a silly decision i'd made about trying to live with my dad and his girlfriend to mend bridges. This did not go very well at all and ties have now been cut.Anyway my mum is very against them and can't seem to understand that I am 23 now and not a child which is not helping me at all! I am finding it very hard to continue living alone with her and am looking to move out in the near future. I believe she is very closed minded and seems to have the sceptical notion many people have about mental illness. Anyway thank you for you feedback

x

[hallam11]

Hello,

I just wanted to update.I am out of work at the minute and I think this makes me worse because I have more time to "think". I think the thoughts get to me so much and make me sad and really fearful because when I was younger I did not like babies and kind of avoided being anywhere near them. As I grew up I became very weary of babies scared of them mainly because my baby cousin cried every time she was near me and since then I have been very weary and scared of children and babies. These thoughts started and made me feel even worse and of course I did not want to be anywhere near children.My sister is married and is now trying for a baby which fills me with fear because I don't want children in my life. I have been worried all day about her becoming pregnant.
I just wanted to air these feelings.

Laura x

[smudger]

Hi Laura. You sound like a really nice person who has had a rough time through no fault of your own. Like you when I am not busy I have too much time to think and feel. Keeping busy is the key don't you think? I swim. What about voluntary work while you find paid employment? It will look gr8 on your CV.

The baby thing, I used to find babies scary. Nobody says you have to like them but you sound uncomfortable around them. Is it that you want to like them but they scare you or are they just of no interest to you. Until I had my daughter I avoided kids like the plague n when my daughter is an adult, my husband n I will be going to couples only holidays. I love my baby (shes 9) but I'm not into kids 24/7. I prefer adults!If you explain this to your Sis how would she be?

[hallam11]

Thank you Smudger. I find when I am busy I can handle the thoughts more and just generally cope more so finding some voluntary work sounds like a good idea, especially if after my appointment with the job centre on Monday doesn't produce much.Thanks for the idea.I'd like to volunteer with animals because I really like animals.
Well when I was younger I just didn't like babies whether that was because they scared me I don't know. I am probably a bit like yourself, I don't feel like other people where they say they love kids. Its hard to say because when i am not in one of my depressive periods I want to like them but they scare me but because at the minute I feel so low I just avoid them and dont like being around them AT ALL and I just don't feel the need or sometimes can't understand why people want babies! I get frustrated if im shopping or out with friends and children are screaming whereas normally I'd probably just ignore it. I think the problem is that within my family they are pretty closed minded and think that me and my sister should get married and have children like "normal" girls and for a time I thought thats what I wanted and I should want but now Im not so sure. Does that make sense? I told my mum the other day about it and as usual she just upset me, she said if she'd felt how I feel when she was having me then I wouldnt be here?! She's one of those people who think all women want children and should have them whereas even if I did want them I wouldn't agree with that,everyone is different right? Sadly I can't much speak to my mum and sister about this or my OCD/Depression because they don't listen and say horrible things.

[lior]

Hi
I have a couple of similar problems to you: I need to make my mum see I'm not her little girl any more, and I'm working out my sexuality too. I have a feeling that once I tell my family about being bisexual I'll be able to move on from my depression more easily. Keeping things from your family makes things worse. Telling them will bring them closer to you, even if it's difficult.
You're good at discussing your problems on here, so I bet you could do it wonderfully with your family when you need to