Not as bad as I thought it would be.

[ruth76]

Its my first day on citalopram and thought I would let you all know how I was getting on. I was prescribed these on monday for depression and have been too scared to take them. I was on fluoxetine 20mg for 5 years and came off them in 2008 so i have done well med free for 2 years. I have my panic attacks under control a lot of mine were obessive thoughts that would trigger a panic attack. I actually read something on about a method of stopping them and it worked. I have the odd blip but I use rescue remedy to control them and the odd lorezepam if desperate!
Basically I suffer from severe mood swings and then get days of depression but always manage to come out of it. It does scare me as I can feel really happy one hour then be very angry and upset the next hour i have no idea why. I didnt have the happiest of childhoods like a lot of people and I am a very insecure person. I started cbt and felt it really helped me but only had 6 sessions.
To cut a long story short I had been in a low mood last week as I have my period(sorry guys)! My dad came over to babysit my 5 year old son and my husband me and 2 of our friends went out. We had a great night dancing and drinking but I had drank a lot. I only drink the odd glass of wine at the weekends but when I go out I binge drink. My husbands friend asked him to get a girls number for him as he was too shy and so my husband got the number. Something inside me snapped apparently I attacked my husband in the taxi then when we got home I went mental pushed my best friend over who hit her face on the door. I pushed my husband who fell into a glass vase and cut his arm badly.I was laying outside on the grass screaming.I dont remember any of this i completely blacked out. It was so scary. Thank goodness my son wasnt woken up. The police were called my dad tried to defend me as the police were going to take me away. They left in the end and my dad put me to bed.My friend went home and my husband got his arm treated. the next day I felt so disgusted with myself I dont know what happened? It really scared me. I had a similar thing happen 2 years ago and I ended up with a caution as I hurt anouther girl.I am 33 years old I shouldnt be doing things like this. When I am sober I wouldnt hurt anyone I have a bad temper but I wouldnt lash out.
So I ended up at the doctor on monday morning where they have referred me to the community mental health team. and she has put me on 10mg citalopram. But i am too scared to take them so I gave in this morning and took 5mg yes I am a coward! But i dont want to trigger off panic attacks as I dont really have them anymore. But after about 3 hours I felt sick and had a bad headache so i took some parecetmol. Also felt tired so really not that bad. I am going to take the other half of tablet at 6.00pm I thought at least I got the 10mg down me. I do have a bit of a upset stomach could be nerves!Oh and dont feel hungry which is great!
To be honest Im not sure what these tablets are meant to do for me as the last 2 days I have felt fine no depression at all but that could all change. so do they balance out your moods?
I hope so as i feel like a rubbish mum and my poor husband dont know how he puts up with me. He is in the army so has enough stuff to put up with.

Well I have started the med so will see what happens and will keep you all posted on my progress as I was terrified to take these pills.So if I can help anyone else that is great.

[martbarr]

Hi Ruth

Fantastic that you will share your journey with us.
Other people's diaries have realy helped me to start my journey, and Il;m sure your updates will be very helpful to many.

I have found in the 5 wks I've been taking cit that my panic has subsided a lot. Not sure how I feel most of the time, but certainly I'm not worse for taking the little pill. I hope you find the same.

Not an easy journey is it.... but we're the better people for the struggle.
'Ordinary people' have *no idea* the depths that we have to work at!

Good luck, and hope you will find many friends on here, like I did.

Martin
PS drinking and cit are not a good mix, and it might be helpful to cut back on the booze for a while.
Sorry - if I didn't say it someone else would.

[ruth76]

Hi
Thanks for the reply I have been reading your diary and it definately gave me hope. Your are very brave being able to work I have had a week off and go back on monday im dreading it. I hope the side effects stay like this and I will be ok going to take the other half tonite so could all change!. I excersise a lot so im going to really push myself even if i feel like going to bed i will still try and go running in the evening.

You are all welcome to message me anytime.
Take care

[martbarr]

Hi
Thanks for the reply I have been reading your diary and it definately gave me hope. Your are very brave being able to work I have had a week off and go back on monday im dreading it. I hope the side effects stay like this and I will be ok going to take the other half tonite so could all change!. I excersise a lot so im going to really push myself even if i feel like going to bed i will still try and go running in the evening.

You are all welcome to message me anytime.
Take care

Hi again Ruth

I found that side effects in the first two wks were the worst, and they would be at their very worst about 4-5 hours after taking the pill.
So I used to take it as early as possible in the morning, but timed so I had some control.

Now I'm a lot better, and just feel so tired all the time, but am catching up on sleep I guess.

Actually unsure if I'm brave really.
I've learned to hide my symptoms of anxiety over the years.
I plan an escape route for everything, and no one at work has any idea about me being like this. To be honest only my gp and my wife have any idea, so I think I've just learned to hide it well.

Worse scenarios are being locked in a big room, or the underground etc,
but am getting better and cit seems to have made quite a difference, although I do feel thick headed and bad memory etc,
but perhaps that will improve, and I prefer that to the panic to be honest!

I work for a tv company and when the studio doors get locked (as we sometimes have to do on soaps etc) I really fight hard to concentrate and get on with work. Funny, I feel no pressure at working on air things as such - I guess it's just what we're used to.
I do technical computer work, and work alone a lot of the time so no one really breathing down my neck or watching too hard, as long as my area is all working ok!

I even work on computers that fix themselves, and then report back to me via email what they've done so I can arrange more parts to be ordered etc for next time. Fascinating stuff.
Anyway - sorry rambling - a man and his computers eh?

Anyway - more folks will be along to encourage you soon,
so will sign off for now!

Take care
Martin

[moks]

Hi Ruth,

Im on week 3 of taking CIT, and the physical side-effects are almost gone, bit of sleep deprivation, but that's nothing new for me, I suffer depression, moments of extreme lows, no triggers. So was put on 20mg to start.

First 2 weeks were a roller coster, side-effects not too bad. Some moments of COMPETE joy, almost like being stoned (those are gone), now I've entered this really contemplative state, examining my life...re-assesing, not sure if it's the CIT, or me...or both.

Writing online here has helped me, and there have been some incredible people supporting me, Martbarr being one of them. We're glad you're here and sharing with us...so far Ive found that THAT'S the key...sharing and opening up. Feel free to rwad my diary, contact me whenever you like. And thank you for sharing...keep it up so we know how you are.

M

[martbarr]

Hi Ruth,

Im on week 3 of taking CIT, and the physical side-effects are almost gone, bit of sleep deprivation, but that's nothing new for me, I suffer depression, moments of extreme lows, no triggers. So was put on 20mg to start.

First 2 weeks were a roller coster, side-effects not too bad. Some moments of COMPETE joy, almost like being stoned (those are gone), now I've entered this really contemplative state, examining my life...re-assesing, not sure if it's the CIT, or me...or both.

Writing online here has helped me, and there have been some incredible people supporting me, Martbarr being one of them. We're glad you're here and sharing with us...so far Ive found that THAT'S the key...sharing and opening up. Feel free to rwad my diary, contact me whenever you like. And thank you for sharing...keep it up so we know how you are.

M

Mark -you're very kind - but I think we're all in this together
I've had fantastic support from loads of folks.
Yvonne, yourself, Myra (not heard from for ages?), Jo in Kent, Megan, Mrs Rabbit ( mind boggles LOL), Crissy, Bexie and a good few more I probably forgot to mention.
I feel like I know them all personally - but in reality we do need to be anonymous to dare to put the things we do. I've probably put enough info to be identified if folks really wanted to find me, but then am I bovvered? Only a bit! But I guess most folks are more careful than me!

Anyway Moks - one step forward at a time.
You seem to be doing well - contemplating and reassessing and all
(great words for scrabble - do you have scrabble in Canada?)
if not ignore my uk rambling.

Right off to browse for ufo sightings in my lunch break.
Not that interested - something to do I guess!

Cheers
MartB

[moks]

Mark -you're very kind - but I think we're all in this together
I've had fantastic support from loads of folks.
Yvonne, yourself, Myra (not heard from for ages?), Jo in Kent, Megan, Mrs Rabbit ( mind boggles LOL), Crissy, Bexie and a good few more I probably forgot to mention.
I feel like I know them all personally - but in reality we do need to be anonymous to dare to put the things we do. I've probably put enough info to be identified if folks really wanted to find me, but then am I bovvered? Only a bit! But I guess most folks are more careful than me!

Anyway Moks - one step forward at a time.
You seem to be doing well - contemplating and reassessing and all
(great words for scrabble - do you have scrabble in Canada?)
if not ignore my uk rambling.

Right off to browse for ufo sightings in my lunch break.
Not that interested - something to do I guess!

Cheers
MartB

Lol, yeah we Scrabble in Canada, but over here we call it 'Scrabble'