A New Beginning.
This is not a success story yet but it will be.
A New Beginning.
Short summary.
Social/general anxiety, agoraphobia and depression sucks, I have had enough and am going all out to beat it. The people in this community are great, I have made a huge step to start things off. Rock and roll. lol
Long version.
I've finally got the kick up the bum I needed, I have come to realise I can't afford to be weak as it effects the people I care about to much and I don't want to be the extra thing that adds to there stress and there own problems, I need to rid myself of this weakness. I need to be strong so I can be there 150% for the people I care about and can help those people in my situation without feeling like a hypocrite and can give them hope, advice and the support they deserve.
Its unfair on the people who come to me for help and the people I try to help and its unfair on myself because I am not in the correct place to help everyone else with there demons when I'm using everything I have to try and fight my own.
Who am I at the moment to give advice and try to help people when I can't even overcome my own demons, telling people to fight there anxiety or depression and just go outside or whatever and try to do things it just makes me feel awful because I am unable to do these things myself on a regular basis. I'm 23 and I still cannot even talk on the phone, I still struggle to answer my front door! I cant even show people what I look like due to major insecurities and anxiety which has built up over the last 6 years of being alone and the joy of being mentally abused from a young age. I have always believed in the possibility of everyone else's recovery but I have never believed in the possibility of my own. I'm fed up! And this is it, the change, the fresh start, the new me starts the second I have finished this post.
Bless you for reading this far, I don't know how much more I will type but if you hang on till the end then you shall receive a virtual hug from me and a cookie mmmmm, plus you will get to witness the first huge that's right huge step of my recovery. Those who know me can confirm just how huge the step is.
Now to continue.....hehe
I have realised no matter how strong I try to be it only takes one moment of weakness to cause a domino effect of negative energy on the people who I care a great deal about and so on and to be the source of this extra dose of anxious, depressing, rubbish, smelly energy is unacceptable to me. I do what most people do and that's push there own problems deep down or to the side and try to help everyone else feel better while you let yourself get worse and worse.
I have pretty much been a prisoner in my own home for the past 6 years and my emotions have been in lock down for 6 years. But lately I have felt emotion again, I have been dead inside for far to long and all these emotions are like brand new to me, I guess you could say I have been emotionally reborn. I can't describe how good the good actually feels, I have cried for the first time in 6 years out of pure emotion. I didn't even cry when my granddad died and I loved him a great deal that's how dead I have been inside.
I'm not trying to hide anything anymore there would be no purpose to me coming here and lying as if I'm fine and not in a state, I will fight this thing head on, I refuse to lose! I'm a fighter I will beat this thing. No more taking it one small step for me, its all or nothing. My family will be better for it, my friends will be better for it and yes I will be much better for it. I just want to be like everybody else, you know what I mean I just want to feel like a person again. And I will do this no matter how long it damn well takes me.
This is a song which pretty much says it all and is one of my favourite of all time, some of you might like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeNFmwpywaA
Ok then, This is it. The start of my new beginning, I have met some great people on here who have taught me valuable lessons, supported me and gave great advice when I needed it most which has made me decide enough is enough. So a huge thanks in advance to everyone, this is not a goodbye so don't get ya hopes up. hehe
I will not be in the chatroom anymore or on MSN etc until I am satisfied with the person I am, I will check this thread once a week to remind myself because its not going to be easy and ill update it.
As I said, here is a hug for those who took the time to read what I have put hereand of course the super yummy virtual cookie *hands over a super yummy cookie per person* lol
Lets not forget my first huge step of many to come.
http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y42/Bikerboy/?start=40
Should be a pic of me in there somewhere.
Sorry for the long read I didn't realise how much I had rambled on.
Id be grateful for any support, wish me luck. See you in 1 week.
Sparks.
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go for it sparkie.
luv Sue x
