weaning myself off 15mg starts tonight-my diary starts here

[smudger]

Just got out of bed because I am crying. I feel so sad. Was hoping somebody might have cheered me up but i guess u r all in bed, where I should be but I can't sleep. I feel completely worthless. my husband is a hardworking decent person but he makes me feel like i am nothing, i don't think he means to do it.He is such a hard person. Everything is black and white, no grey areas. i need a protector. and he can't be that. I am so confused i don't know what to do with myself. Ill sleep on the settee again tonight because ill just toss n turn upstairs.Hopefully i will feel better in 7 hrs.~lIFE wud be so much easier if nobody else was involved.I wish nothing bothered me.

[JT69]

Hi Lynne,

Sorry you had a bad night....I hope you eventually got off to sleep and feel better today? Your husband wont mean to make you feel like that it is probably the way we feel that does it. Look at the support he has given to you whilst you were ill. Of course you are not a nothing. I like you wish nothing bothered me but I think the illness we suffer with makes us sensitive and sometimes take thing personally whereas it just wouldn't bother others.

I think once you get there and settled your holiday will do you the world of good, I really do hope so. Hope you are feeling better today hun. Jo.xx

[smudger]

Hi Lynne,

I think the illness we suffer with makes us sensitive and sometimes take thing personally whereas it just wouldn't bother others.
Jo.xx

Hi Jo. Thanks. I know its part of this illness but I never used to be so sensitive. Often these days I think I would be better off single. I need a warm caring type of person to see me through life not somebody who is calculated, scientific about everything and hard headed. He told me last night I am no good at keeping home! He says that alot and it makes me feel like a failure but hes right when he says I am better when i am at work. I can't disagree with that, I am happier! I just can't face juggling everything on my own. Basically, Monday to Friday I am like a single parent coz he leaves at 7am n gets back at 7pm.Naturally hes tired n grumpy. Weekends he just wants to relax, I do the gardening etc. I am quite down today.Great way to start a holiday!

[JT69]

Oh Lynne,

If it makes you feel better, my hubby was pretty awful to me the day before yesterday and I ended up slamming my knife and fork down at dinner last night, grabbing my mobile phone and handbag and walking the streets really upset!!! Was a bit silly of me but he accused me of being nasty to him and yes I was but the meds make me a bit snappy and he knows that. I texed him yesterday to say sorry, he chose to ignore me and when I got in from being at work (which again was not that good for me) he decided to retreat to the bedroom and read. When he did surface I asked him why he was still ignoring me and he said he wasnt. As we sat down for dinner he proceeded to ask both of the children a question about their day and left me out!!! Long story but thats the jist of it. Hence today I feel like sxxt!! Am meeting a friend for lunch and feel like socialising as much as flying a kite!!! But am going to have to go cos dont want to let her down!! Men eh!!!! Sometimes wonder if we need them!! (sorry you men out there)!! We are talking now etc but its just the after effects and I just didnt need all of this at this moment in time!!!

I am sure that you will be fine. I think that (well I know in my case) my hubby has alot to put up with with me and my depression etc and sometimes I dont know how he does it. He could so easily walk away but he chooses not too and for that I am thankful. He knows me inside out as I guess yours does too. And is always there for me when I need him but sometimes we just cannot help our feelings. It is so frustrating!!! Take care hun and I hope you feel better. Love JO.xx

[smudger]

Hi Jo. Thank you for bearing all. It does make me feel like I am not the only one. Trouble is, I often think I would be better off on my own than with somebody who I feel doesn't respect me. Because he is such a confident person he thinks everything that I stress about is silly, but I am me, I am not him and instead of lecturing to me about how I should go about finding a job why doesn't he help me instead of lecturing me! I can't do around an industrial estate dressed in my best interview suit with my cv in my hand asking for a job...I just can't! I know his opinion of me has changed. I was a Quantity Surveyor for 10 years and he held me in high esteem because he respected the job I had (not to mention the money and nice car). Ive changed though and he can't accept that. It really pressures me and makes me sad. It would be easier to start again with somebody new who could accept me for who I am now!Sigh.............

[ElizabethJane]

Lynne I have just read your post. I'm sorry that your husband can't accept you for who you are now. depression changes us and you have been through a lot. I understand your post about being a single parent during the week. My hubs works in Canary Wharf and leaves at 7am seldom getting home till 9 or 10 at night. He has just come home after a week in Dusseldorf. It gets worse thou as his foreign travel increases. Next trip is Washington. It has gone from a few trips to Europe to week long long haul. I dont sleep and the zopiclone makes me feel hung over. Still I have my hypnosis sessions in April to look froward to. Thursday morning I felt so low and lonely. I do have my singing which takes up a lot of my time at the moment and then I worry about babysitters if my sister can't oblige. Have a really good holiday and see you on the boards when you come back. EJ.

[JT69]

Hi lynne,

I am worried about you after reading your last post, I want to ask your husband what he thinks he is doing? You have been through such a lot and it is a shame that he cannot accept that. I know it is hard for people who do not understand, and I truly beliveve that unless someone has been through it they do not really understand, unless they have read up about it or something etc. My husband though has never suffered depression does suffer with anxiety at times, his kicked off when he was 18 and smoked some substance that started off palputations....he has suffered on and off since, so he pretty much understands me, he tells me it does effect him when I am suffering but he has to plod on regardless.

I think you need your holiday and I truly hope that you enjoy it, you deserve too. Hopefully after that things will be much better for you.

I sincerely wish you a very happy and healthy time. Please post when you come back and let us know how it goes. Lots of love....Jo.xx

[martbarr]

...sorry you men out there...

Go on then, I accept.

[smudger]

It has gone from a few trips to Europe to week long long haul. EJ.

Hi. Thats tough. I sometime have the odd week on my own but its not a regular thing I am glad to say. Well its holiday tomorrow, mostly packed n having the usual have I packed everything worry! Hope you are all okay and Ill contact you when I get back. Take care won't you?xx

[Maj]

Have a great time. I always think it's like being transported to another world when you go somewhere nice on holiday. Everything's so laid back and the sun shining just makes you feel great. You deserve it. Just go and forget about all your troubles and woes
Myra x