Everything going wrong...

[Meredith]

Everything seems to be going wrong in my life right now. I feel incredibly sad, lost, alone... and no idea where to go or what to do.

I need help... I'm losing everything...

[Veronica H]

Sorry you are down Meredith. Whats happening? The more info you give the more advice you will get...hang in there.

Veronicax

[gypsywomen]

whats wrong can we help

[Meredith]

Thanks

Sorry you are down Meredith. Whats happening? The more info you give the more advice you will get...hang in there.

Veronicax

Thanks

So much is happening... I'm sorry... I can't make it short for you...

About a week ago I was hit with a massive panic attack (I've had panic disorder most of my life, but it's been dormant for a while). The attack was bad that I made an urgent doctor appointment. The doctor gave me a 2 week sick note to relax and try to analyse my life a bit... figure out the causes, etc.

I went to the library and got some panic books out and have been reading them. The book tells me to look at different parts of my life and really think about them - life in general, work, relationships, etc.

In being forced to look at these parts of my life... I've found that I'm a pretty depressed person. Life is fairly lonely, my work is terrible and the people I work with are terrible and I'm unsure about my relationship.

Some things about me...

I'm American and living in the UK with my partner of now 7 years. I lived in the UK with my family for 5 years (I met my partner in this period of time) and when they moved back... I moved back with them for a year (during this time, I went to Uni and had a car/steady job). I moved back to the UK by myself to be with my partner (who I couldn't live without!!!). We struggled, I found a job in retail... followed by a job in an office... followed by a Media job (which is the path I want to take in life). He took a similar path... retail, office job and now major Commercial Sales (his path!). We were SO HAPPY!! Loads of spare money, took loads of road trips and had many outings. I had to renew my Visa and therefore had to quit my job to stay legal (this was about 1.5 years ago... economy crumbling). It took a lot longer than we thought (about 2 months), we were denied at first... we got married in order to stay together ( ). I had to go back to America for 2 weeks to complete it. I couldn't get my old job back. I was out of work for 8 months, supported financially by my partner. Lots of debt (which we are still paying off). I finally found a job, admin, working for a bad company with very unapproachable people. I've been there for almost a year now and I hate it. I have applied for many jobs, but - I'm struggling with lack of confidence. My relationship has suffered in this period... we still love and care about eachother a tremendous amount, we don't fight or argue or often disagree ( )... but, we don't feel as 'close' any more. Also, in clearing our debt we've had to budget heavily... leaving little room for fun or 'us' time. This makes me really sad. We're used to eachother... maybe this is the path that a long-term relationship takes, or maybe we lost eachother amongst the struggle to STAY together? This makes me so sad. I love and adore him... he loves and adores me too... I just don't know what's going on. I feel depressed, I'm often tearful and feel incredibly helpless (holding my hands to the sky for help! anyone!). I don't want to lose him or my life... and I feel that it's spiralling downwards to that point. Who would want to be with someone as depressed and down as me??? He has changed so much over the years, incredibly confident... especially with his career. I'm so proud of him!!! I'm lacking so much confidence... I've got no friends and the path that I was once so certain in walking (back when I was in Media) now seems so zigzagged and unsure. Very lost and confused.

I talk to my partner all of the time... he holds me and reassures me... but he can't live like this forever, I can't. How can he love someone who is sad all of the time? He is young, we're both young - we're supposed to be out having a good time!!! We can still make eachother laugh and we do fun things together (more recently, as money is getting better). His career is going SO well... I almost feel that I hold him back.

Today I had really sad thoughts of telling him that I love him but I cant be with him because I'll only hold him back. I don't want this... I really, really don't... and I hope it's just depression talking and not me...

Don't know what to do...

I applied for my old job again in Media (it's finally up for grabs, 1.5 years later!), I had an interview a week ago... I don't want to hold my hopes high (I've done this before ) - but, I feel that If I got my old job back... I feel that I could get my life back on track. Living in the past, maybe?

Essay sorry.

[Meredith]

[Veronica H]

Hi Meredith, I get it now. There is a brilliant book by Dr Claire Weekes;SELF HELP FOR YOUR NERVES published by Thorsens ISBN 0-7225-3155-9.This is available from the NMP shop. Dr Weekes was a physician and scientist. She was a fellow sufferer (nominated for the nobel prize for medicine) and really understood this illness. She took the mystery out of it, and devised a simple programme for recovery. I can't recommend this enough. This will get better.

Here is a link to her site;

http://www.drclaireweekes.co.uk/

I would advise you not to make any major decisions while your nerves are sensitised. Try to stay in the moment and although you can acknowledge your negative and 'what if' thoughts, (trying to block them does not work) try floating them out as soon as they come in without engaging too much with them. It is easy to understand how you have become depressed given the year you have had, but much of what has happened was out of your control and all you can do is work with what you have got. Could you take a media qualification through the Open University or night school to boost your confidence and add to your skill set. If that is the direction you wish to follow it would look good on the CV. You can pay in installments with most of the OU courses.

hope this helps...veronicax

[Meredith]

Thanks Veronica

I do try to stay positive, today has been a bit up and down for me!

I'll definitely have to get my hands on a copy of that book... I'll try to get to the library tomorrow!

Thank you for your advice too... I really appreciate your help.

It's funny you've mentioned the Open University, I was looking at their website this morning after I saw an advertisement on the TV!! I'd love to do a bit of further education... and I completely agree, it would really help my confidence and it would definitely be a bonus on my CV!

[Veronica H]

Veronicax