youth is over

[NotResponding]

sorry, this text dosent lead anywhere, just wanted to put it down, vent it.

had a bad feeling this morning, i woke up (someone outside the house woke me up shouting and banging metal railings at 8am) because that provoked some anxiety i couldnt go back to sleep, so i got up. My family were all asleep in my house, so I was not acting, pretending everythings okay. Then because I wasn't pretend/being anxious, my real thoughts came into my head-I must be depressed.
Im 23 years old and I beleive my hayday is up, past my prime. (never really got into my prime) but it's past now. There really was only one year since i was 14 that i was productive and didnt feel anxiety. 18-19 years old. I did alot of good things, with the help of a long-absent father and his new wife.

Now Im stuck in the house, if I decide to go out and do something, what? There is nothing to do, if I liked anyone in my town I would have a reason to push through the social anxiety, but I dont, I feel I hate everyone in my town (1000-2000 people i guess, small), and I feel they all laugh at me everytime I enter their territory (the main street).

When I stop pretending for other people, to please them, or prevent them getting angry at me, my true thoughts come through, and hit me like a ton of bricks. Thoughts like "What the **** am I doing?! Im wasting everything" but then if I was to try and get back into work and look forward, Id have social bloody anxiety right infront of me, stopping me. That would lead to me getting more avoidant and positive thoughts turn bad, causing more anxiety, ending up with me being stuck in the house again-like now.

Great cycle ay! Sometimes, Im just rabbiting abit, but sometimes I wish I was about 8 years old again, when I was 8 I didn't worry endlessly about everything and anything. When I was 8 I could shout, laugh, have fun, talk, play music, make noises...now I can't, because something in me is stopping me, my social anxiety.

It's like being lost in the world's most intricate, complicated maze, with no map on how to escape to freedom.

[Kat M.]

Hi, I am sorry the way you feel.

I would like you to watch a short video. I hope you can share you thoughts after watching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4uG2kSdd-4

Kat

[andrea thompson]

hiya hon

i just want to say that you are not past your prime at all!!!! are you getting any help with your anxiety???? i have been on and off with anxiety and depression for most of my life... there are lots of things that can help you get through this... i am having a particularly bad time at the moment but i will get through this because i have before... i notice in your post you said you put on an act... is there anyone you can talk to? anyone you are honest with about your feelings and thoughts? i really feel that the first step to recovery is being honest with yourself and others. you have to accept your depression to be able to deal with it... does that help... if you need any particular advice or info please ask...

andrea x x

[Lu]

Hello, i just wanted so say i feel the same, i'm 25 and feel like i have missed out on so much and feel stuck like there is no way forward.
My lovely friend said something very wise to me the other day though - that it's amazing that when we get older we get more trapped under our own devices that are meant to bring us more freedom.
I think many people if they admit it to themselves are like ducks they look all serene on the surface but underneath they're paddling away furiously, desperate not to stop moving for a moment because if they do they'll have to think about where their lives are actually going! I just wanted to say you're not alone in this, being aware just means you are a thoughtful person and care very much. Sorry this is kind of rambling and makes no sense!
Take care x

[smudger]

Hi. I just wanted to say I understand you completely. I feel lost on this complicated planet. I don't know when or why it became so complicated for me. Don't ask me coz I can't answer. I have very negative thoughts about everybody and everything when I am at my lowest point. You say when you were 14 you had a productive year. In what way? I find that comment quite poignant because my best times are my most productive times. For me, it was when I worked (I'm a housewife now). At the moment I am stuck in a twilght zone...I can see you there too! Being a kid again, now thats a thought, no responsibilitries, no worries! Maybe you could look back at those productive times. What would productive mean to you now? Meanwhile CBT might help for you social anxiety. Its so easy to lose confidence, I know. I am the same matey...keep posting

[pinkpiglet]

I hope you watched this link posted by KAT! I hope you all did!!
I did and I want to say a big thankyou to kat for handing me a big chunk of inspiration!!
What an amazing human being this guy Nick is!!
sorry 'not responding' i know this is your thread but I really do hope that you take the time to watch this link. If guys like Nick refuse to be defeated then we should too.

Thankyou once again KAT, maybe you should post this link as a new thread and share it with the rest of NMP. I'm sure it will give everyone food for thought. xxx

[nervy-paul]

Anxiety and depression rob us all of precious time, even though we can do little at the time, it is still so sad and frustrating thinking of the time we feel we have wasted, even though we haven't done it deliberately. Try and focus on things we have done and the people we know and love, even the lovely people we 'meet' on this very forum. The bad days are draining it's true, but try and enjoy the good days when they come along, be kind to yourself.

[NotResponding]

Watched that video, that guy is an inspiration really, no limbs but happy and confident! Ontop of that he goes round schools, puts himself on display and has an effect on the veiwers (a different effect to what'd usually happen). Makes me feel, like I shouldn't complain cuz atleast I have a healthy working body!
Productive I mean, at work, making money, or getting fit/strong, just anything other than procrastinating doin nothing. I was 18 yr old when things were going good(for one whole year), was 14 when i think my anxiety started, before 14 i was alright, i was just weird. Id agree, my best time was while i was productive, i was working. Ykno Lu, you get it. It's good (but sad) to know you lot are in the same place.
Thanks for answering my message, I didnt expect it I was just gettin it down, but thanks you're all good people! (cheeeeese!) Hi smudger.

[tiredzombie]

Feel kind of the same sometimes when I'm on a downer. Am 22 and have been increasingly anxious since I was 9. Feels like I have spent the majority of my life in a state of fear. What a waste! I have missed out on so much, and now it's too late to enjoy my 'carefree' youth. And as everyone always says, 'it's all downhill from here!' There are times when I just desperately want to wind the clock back, and do it all differently, be someone else.

But I guess all we can ever do is move forward. And to do that we need to focus on what we really want out life. Cause we are still alive, and relatively young. And there's a lot of possibilities out there. And I know I don't want to leave this life full of regret.

Life is much bigger than small-town mindsets. I find the problem is reminding myself of this when I'm out in my local town, and my anxiety is demanding that I worry what people are thinking of me, and that I do all I can not to draw attention to myself or risk making a negative impression.