"Eureka!" moment
With the help of my counsellor over the last 4-5 months, I think I've at last reached a "Eureka moment" where the fog of confusion lifts and I suddenly understand what's been going on in my head for... well... a long time. I don't think I could have managed it without outside help because this understanding requires me to acknowledge aspects of myself that I prefer not to dwell upon.
I know that, usually, anxiety problems can be traced back to one or more negative experiences. That doesn't seem to be the case for me, which is probably why it's taken many months of counselling to uncover. My own anxiety problems appear to stem from a pattern of good experiences in my early life which have become turned around in recent years by faulty thinking inside my head to become a heavy weight around my neck.
It'll take me several paragraphs to explain properly, so please look away now if you're short of time...
I spent the first few years of my life discovering that I was good at some things (and not so good at others, of course!). I took this confidence with me into school where I quickly found that I had a talent for much of the work. I had become aware from an early age that boasting about one's abilities was a major sin, but I still felt motivated to do my best, so I proceeded to work hard but in a quiet and modest way.
My aim at school was to fulfill the promise of my abilities without drawing too much attention to myself, but this was thwarted when I regularly scored high marks and came top of the class in many subjects. I became conditioned to the idea that I could achieve anything if I put my mind to it, and that I wouldn't have to strive too hard to do that. It became a crucial part of my identity that I'd be able to do well at whatever I tried and that I'd have a regular "fix" of positive exam and test results to bolster my (sometimes fragile) self-image.
The highest point for me came at university, where I achieved a top grade in a difficult subject at an institution known for high academic standards and even higher pressure. I didn't let it go to my head, but I was proud of this and it gave me confidence moving forward. At the age of twenty-two, I left university to join the real world with optimism, enthusiasm and hopes for great things.
I'm now about double my age when I left university, and the second phase of my life since then has worked out somewhat differently. I've done okay in the world of work, family and hobbies, and I really don't have anything significant to complain about. Crucially, though, this hasn't been the same sort of straightforward cruise that it was for me at school and university. I've had a late start in discovering what everyone else knows perfectly well: life is full of pitfalls and unexpected setbacks, these can require serious effort to deal with, and working hard doesn't always guarantee a positive outcome.
The difficulty for me has been in dealing with this jarring change. After twenty-two years of feeling largely in control of my own destiny, I've spent the following twenty-odd years feeling bewildered and at the mercy of big forces which often seem to be conspiring against me. It seemed inconceivable to me that the whole outside world had changed, so I opted for the simpler conclusion that it must my fault somehow. At various stages, I've been preoccupied by thoughts that I've lost my edge, that I'm lazy, clumsy and incompetent, or that I'm being deservedly punished for having an easy time of things in my earlier life.
My counsellor explained to me that the root cause of my anxiety is these misconceptions and my faulty thinking. It hadn't really occurred to me to consider that the cause of the apparent change doesn't lie with me, but rather that my environment is now different, that I'm in the same boat as everyone else, and that I might still be doing okay even though I no longer receive certificates to prove it. It's ingrained into my nature to take a self-deprecating route and, unless firmly convinced otherwise, to point the finger of blame at myself. As a result, my anxiety has been kicking in when events or future worries have seemed to expose further unspecified deficiencies that I perceived in myself.
Although this understanding hasn't enabled me to transform instantly into the self-assured and confident person that I'd like to be, at least it has given me an explanation that seems to fit all the facts, and which allows me now to challenge my faulty thinking from a position of strength and logic.
It's early days as yet, but hopefully I will be able to look back on this "Eureka!" moment in the longer run and recognise it as a major turning point for the better.
Congratulations and thanks to anyone who managed to read this far!
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