Hi Guys,
After reading a number of posts on this forum, it comforts me to see that other people are going through similar things!
I graduated from university over the summer and secured an internship for the same uni that i went to. I enjoyed university and did well, i tried my best at something for the first time in my life and it really paid off. I was full of confidence by the end iof it. When i started at uni, the thought of presentations scared the life out of me (i know i wasnt alone there), but by the end i had practiced a few times and i was even vlounteering for off the cuff ones (the thought of that now amazes me).
Just before Christmas i was attending a workshop with 15 colleagues. I was asked a question by the person running the workshop and i thought for a second. A thought came into my mind "what if you cant remember what to say, how embarrassing would that be". I panicked, I felt shattered and scared, I couldnt speak and i wanted to get out of there. Someone else took over and I regained my composure after a minute or two. I tried to input into the workshop as much as i could in order to offset the panic i had had.
I thought this was just a one off. The next day I went to an interview with a sports marketing company for an internship. I love sport, so i thought it was right for me. I was interviewed by three people, and they started to un me though the role. As they were doing this i felt the panic coming. I was asked the first question and the panic rushed into me. I felt boiling hot, i was losing vision, I felt shattered and i couldnt get my words out. I improved after that and the interview went well in the end. I didnt get the job because of the panic.
For the next two weeks i destroyed myself with worry, thinking, analysing, pondering over christmas about what had happened. I started to worry about what i was saying infront of everyone, my family, myfriends, work colleagues. When I returned to work, I got some smaller panics infront of work colleagues and at meetings. I have also started to feel incredibly nervous before meetings where i need to speak etc.
I panicked a few times infront of my friends aswell, and each time i did this i would beat myself up about it for days afterwards.
How i feel now is that there is a gremlin sat on my shoulder most of the time, but especially during situations of pressure just whispering negative thoughts to me like "you're going to muck and forget what you're saying". Naturally when this happens i do forget.
I have tried so hard to remain positive, but its a scary thing that happened to me so quickly and I don't feel like i can control it.
The positives are that when i perform well at talking to people or in meetings, it brings my confidence up. But the thought of interviewing again is very scary, and i am now constantly haunted by self-doubt.
I have also become far more anxious at work, sometimes for the whole day and these feelings do not seemed to be induced by anything at all.
I am seeing a councillor for the first time about all this tonight. Ironically, talking to a councillor will involved the identical situations where i panic in the first place, so whoopee!
Im sorry if this post has been a little disjointed!
Cheers,
Rory
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To NMP. Glad that you have found us. Let us know how the counselling goes.
Originally Posted by daydreamer
