This time last year I was alone and scared, my partner had walked away and I was facing a cancer scare .. I went through Mothering sunday alone unable to eat or focus on anything and I also spent Easter alone ...
My mood has been slowly going down hill and there are days my mood is so low what with the unexpected jumping out to have another pop at my already flattened self. I have days where I wish it would all end, but on my last rock bottom low someone told me that they didn't think I wanted to die... whoever that was, I'm sorry was in such a state that I cannot remember, Thank you.
I did want to die at that moment in time, but those words kept sounding in my head over and over and then the realisation of " Oh my god, I'm heading for 45 and I sound like a teenager" I know that I have to get a grip, but the mood swings are so strong of late...and they are hitting more and more regularly it is truly scaring me.
I seem to have lost me.. I try to hold it together for some situations and yet there are a zillion negative thoughts whirling, I try to rub them away as if rubbing my head will do magic and the fear factor is at a ridiculous level at the moment.
I'm now on sertraline and my doctor wants to see me each week, he asked for the old tablets back and when I said I don't have them, he laughed and said I really don't think I want to know what you did with them ,, he knows .. he has finally recognised that I tend to scream for help and then hide.. something else I'm grateful for... because that is me.. he said that he will try to get me balanced out with these meds and then wants to discuss what is going on with me, he did psychiatric work previously, because he said that he cannot work it out, I'm logical and know what I am doing and even seem to know why but I lose control and it all goes haywire. I have finally got my appointment to see the psych doctor next Thursday.. I am so pleased but at the same time so scared because if he says I don't need the help or it wont work I think I will crumble completely. I know I need help but I'm not great at expressing myself when it matters.... I feel like part of me wants to roll over like a submissive animal and there is another part of me saying everyone thinks I'm mad or sad and I'm not but I am so low and need some help... oh like I said not great at expressing myself.
Anyway I don't feel ready at the moment to come online as such but I am sitting here alone tonight after another upset evening and I thought rather than carry it I would share my weak side in a more mature way, talk....
Hugs sent x
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Carol xx
