I've lost the plot.

[183]

Hello everyone,

I have nobody to talk to in real life and I'm a "bottler-upper" anyway, so here I am, about to bare all to some strangers...

I'm going to let it all out, I will feel bad if you waste your time reading it though, I'm just hoping saying it out loud (kind of) will give me a revelation and set me back to normal.

I'm 26 year old male who has had anxiety issues with IBS for a long time. As I've got older I've accepted who I am and that's life. I'm actually a pretty down to earth bloke, but at the moment I'm in a terrible cycle which I need to break out of. Which I KNOW is silly, so why can't I control my own mind?!

I've never told anyone this before but the main root of my anxiety problems and everything else that leads on from it, is that I have a fear of getting ill. And not just any illness, it has to do with my digestive system. Belly aches, diarreah, cramps, constipation, the thought of getting any of these symptoms strikes fear into my very soul. Strangly enough being sick doesn't bother me, it's anything to do with the 'other end'. I imagine situations where I get ill and end up needing poos where I can't go, like on a plane, or in a meeting at work, or a long car journey, or sat on a beach, or sat on a train. If anyone ever asks me to do any of these things, the first thing that comes into my head is "what if i need the toilet". Now I dunno if it's cos i've got IBS so it causes anxiety, or if it's anxiety that's causing the IBS!! I've also got a habit of overcooking everything because i'm scared of undercooking food and being ill. I literally cook meat till it's black otherwise I panic once it's in my belly, and sometimes I even make myself sick if I think maybe it werent done enough. I even had some cucumber in my sandwich the other week and thought after "that was in the fridge a while actually" then spent the rest of the day panicking that i was going to have sickness+diarreah. i was fine!

So, I finally get my balance (my head) sorted, pretty much went for the whole of 2009 without panicking about anything... I had girlfriends, went camping, slept rough at a festival, got in fights, arguments, spent loads of money, travelled places (not abroad though), had a constant laugh without a care in the world. My IBS would appear after certain foods but rarely from anxiety.

I learnt to ignore emotions, putting up a hard face in any situation, stress at home I ignored, my dad having a mild stroke, i ignored, having to have a tooth pulled out (one of my biggest fears), trained myself not to be bothered about anything, so i could concentrate on having a laugh and enjoying life!

It gets to December and the "big freeze happens", things were about to change for me around this point after a series of events...
I live in a town and work out in the countryside, so i drove to work no problem, when i left at 5:30pm the big freeze had happened, cars skidding all over the place, i found myself panicking as i couldnt control my car and couldnt see anything, i was so scared and suddenly emotions came out, i was shaking loads and crying as i was driving along, eventually stopping at a queue of traffic, calmed myself, waited for about an hour before giving up and abandoning my car and walking 8 miles home in knee deep snow down pitch black country lanes, cars everwhere, little kids crying. The whole experience proper shook me up. then the next couple of weeks i felt so trapped cos the roads were so dangerous, i couldnt ride my bike to any of my mates houses, walking anywhere was so much hard work.

THEN i had my swine flu and flu jabs, which i wasn't confident about anyway as i think it's a load of rubbish but everyone convinced me to have them. i did, and seemed to actually get some sort of flu from them!
and still to this day (3 months later) get sharp pains in my left arm. is it all in my head? can me THINKING the jabs have damaged my arm make the pain real? it also feels swollen under my left armpit all the time. for the first month after the jabs i kept panicking thinking "oh why did i trust the hype and have this swine flu jab, i could have anything in my body now, it could develop into anything", i even panicked at times about swine flu being a conspiracy and it's the government injecting us with stuff to try and change us in some way (i dunno, rediculous i know).

Then xmas came and i always get depressed at xmas and new year, it just doesn't mean anything to me and it's all so fake and dark. around the xmas period i knew something was proper wrong cos i started getting panic attacks, what basically happens is im in my room and everything goes all weird in my eyes and i dont like it, i cant even describe it. and i feel sick and get stomach cramps and feel weak and tired but everythings all multicoloured in my eyes, so i'd say to my mum im going for a walk, walk around the block for an hour, sit back in my room and it would happen again. it's like i need to escape from this situation but it's following me. i can't have anyone around me when it happens, when my mum tries to talk to me i cant look at her and i cant stay still i have to keep walking away from her. same with anyone, not just my mum. i don't even have anything on my mind when it happens really. i just know i don't like it. eventually after walking for hours i've worn myself out and calmed down that i lie in bed and fall asleep.

so, since new year i've been suffering from constipation, for THREE MONTHS!! i hate doctors so i read on the internet about upping my fibre, this made me worse. and when i had anxiety attacks, because im constipated i cant relieve the cramps. before i used to just do a poo and then calm down after, now it feels like my whole bodys gonna explode. I
don't understand what's changed, and what else I can do cos i've always eated fibre and exercised daily and i dont smoke, i do everything to the book for a decent diet to avoid constipation. i went doctors 2 weeks ago whos given me lactulose to soften it but the anxiety has taken it's toll on me, nearly 4 months of panicking (and i've only realised today that it was panicking) and i dont feel good at all.

i can't remember the last time i actually relaxed. the constant anxiety has made me do things to try and take my mind off it, clean my room, clean my car, do paperwork for work, clean me, play playstation, watch TV, sell things, buy things, even when im lying in bed i have my music on. i literally can't stay still in silence cos i feel like i have no control over my mind. im always waggling my legs cos i can't keep still, i spend all day and night having stomach cramps, my eyes are blurry and weird and bright colours, i can't concentrate on anything, my hands are shaking, sometimes my whole body, i'm physically exhausted from bottling up so many stupid thoughts and repeating them. i've never had constipation before ever so don't know how it's happened. has the jabs caused an inbalance in my system? has the impact of the big freeze situation messed me up? it really was like a scene from a disaster movie!!! how can i turn this around? is it because i've bottled up feelings for a whole year and avoided emotional situations? i can't relax, i ignore phone calls from all my friends and just sit in my room by myself. i used to be out on my bike every night keeping fit, socialising all the time, had big plans of moving out, going on holiday etc, now i just feel like i can't do anything. maybe i need to cry, but i dont know how to!

I feel completely stuck and alone in a terrible downward spiral and i've got nobody to help me! I will NEVER take medication for my mind. I can sort this myself naturally! Just need to break the cycle. Main factors = need to solve this constipation, need to get over flu and swine flu jabs. longer term i need to get over this fear of being ill with my digestive system. i sound so pathetic. what a complete mess of a man.

Sorry for the essay everyone.
183.

[smpomeroy]

Hi
Have you read the posts on here? You must know from reading them that what you are experiencing isnt that unusual. I do think you need to talk to someone though and tell them this - like a doctor so you can get some counselling that will suit you - no one will force you to take meds for your mind and Im sure you are capable of sorting it out with your own strength of character but getting help with that doesnt make you weak in any way so dont think that it does. If your car broke down and it was an electrical fault you would expect to be able to fix it would you and you wouldnt feel bad about going to a garage where they have those whizz bang machines to detect electrical faults and really if you think about it this is no different. The fact that you say you dont know how to cry worries me a bit because it suggests you have years and years of pent up emotion and is has to come out somehow. Dont sit in your bedroom feeling alone and scared get to the doctors or a counsellor and get yourself some help. Im guessing your mum knows there is something wrong with you - mums are like that trust me! I reallu hope you feel better and without wishing to sound all hippy about it you have taken a massive first step in writing it all down on here....

I really hope you can sort stuff out because its miserable feeling like you do and life is def for the living, the sooner you get some help and get it sorted the sooner you can go back to having fun and doing all the things you had planned....

take care

Suz

[Worrier]

Hey 183,

Well that was quite a read for sure. So I understand completely about being in a vicious cycle, I think that is where most of us have been or still are. You say you will NEVER take meds for your mind, you can sort it naturally. Maybe you should rethink that. Honestly I was the same way, but took anti-d's for almost 3 years and oh what a difference. Nothing to be ashamed of, millions of people take them, and if they help, what the heck, right?

I definitely think you need to talk to someone, find a good counsellor, someone you trust to help you put an end to this mess. You are so young, with so much life ahead, you have to find resolution.

Take care and seek help soon.
Worrier xx

[Anxious_gal]

Um hmmm, well can you think of what may have started your fear of needing to use the bathroom?
Maybe it started in childhood or do you actually need to “go” a lot?
When your nervous , like animals we tend to get an urgent need to use the bathroom..
　
I think anxiety can be caused by unprocessed emotions, when you ignore your feelings they simply do not disappear and then you can end up being anxious all the time.
I know this because it happened to me, I was upset, hurt and angry about a lot of things and I could forget about those feelings but then at times they would come rushing back and I’d end up depressed and anxious.
Therapy or a close friend can be helpful for confiding in, when you have such intense emotions, and anxiety or depression.
I’m not a fan of Xmas due to not having a very nice family…. So I do not enjoy family time.
I too understand how the whole thing seems to be one big lie.
As for your eyes do you think you maybe suffering from migraine? I get ocular migraines which are visual disturbances without the pain.

With anxiety we get anxious thoughts, so some of time it is our thinking and self talking that can cause the anxiety.
Anxious people also tend to have a need to be in control, other wise we feel anxious if we don’t know whats going to happen.
It’s almost like we prepare our selves for the worst possible outcome.
I often get odd thoughts while falling asleep and then I have nightmares ,
I too am always what they call fidgety as I cannot be still!
You need to learn about anxiety and I really think you should get your butt into therapy before you become agoraphobic!!
I went t therapy when I was 16ish and boy did it work wonders, but then the anxiety came back and I have been battling hard with the agoraphobia and anxiety.
You seem a bit depressed too. It’s hard to be happy when your too busy feeling anxious. They go hand in hand, anxiety and depression.
Antidepressants can be very helpful in treating both but you really should seek out some kind of therapy too. Antidepressants will give a boost but will not take away the root cause of your issues.
You could try omega 3 , we tend to be low in that, and calcium, magnesium, the b viamins.
I hear good reports about Inositol , http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthr...light=Inositol
　
When my anxiety is bad, I cannot concentrate so I too tend to avoid people when I’m really really bad

It is more socially acceptable for women to cry and be nervous and fearful.
but that does not mean it is true.
I do understand you being a man , and as a man you feel like you have to be hard and strong.
but it's ok, having anxiety or being sad it is not a sign of weakness its simply you being human,
you cannot help how you feel, it takes a stronger person to feel emotions and be true to them, it is much easier to brush all feelings under the carpet.
as a women I do not cry in front of anyone, I have a few times cried in front of my closet friend.
all the years of therapy I still refuse to take down that wall and cry in front of a therapist.
for me it's not about appearing weak, it's about not wanting anyone to see me that vulnerable.

[Thumbelina]

- People who lost the plot - do not think they have (so you are not one of them)
- Constipation same as diarhea is a symptom of anxiety
- your story is great and well done on opening
- you are probably a sensible and sensitive man with a big heart
- figgetting, inability to stay still and concentracte in silence is also symptoms of anxiety, panic and anxiety exaustion (I am having the same problem)
- medications for your mind not always are bad, so get rid of this misconception. As much as I dont want to take mine - I know they have helped me at some point
- if you cant find strength to go to the doctor or councelor, keep talking to people on here as their experience is pricceless and will help you not to feel outsider.
- i bet every single person that read your post felt same way as you do at some point.

You are going to be fine

[183]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I am genuinely REALLY sorry about the long post.
NEARLY cried when I was reading them, eyes just got a bit watery but still couldn't let myself go.
I actually feel like laughing cos of how pathetic I sound.
This is what I mean, I feel like I've got 2 personalities sometimes, like I'm a normal lad who goes out with the lads and has a laugh, but there's like a demon in my head constantly there trying to bring me down. The fact that I can acknowledge the problems IN MY OWN HEAD makes me think that's it's not me thinking them, it's a demon or something putting them there and i can't get rid of him. ignoring him doesn't help, as i've learnt!
I guess you could call this an anxiety relapse as I was fine for one whole year?

smpomeroy - I want to read other peoples topics on here but I know I will end up thinking I've got the same problems as them, so I've got to ignore them. (ie: if someone says they've got stomach problems and they think it's crohns or something, then i will end up thinking the same!)

mishel - The earliest I can think of anxiety making me need the toilet was when I was at school on the playground with the lads having a laugh at about 15 years old and there was this 19(ish) year old boy who i knew was after me cos i kissed his girlfriend whilst he was in prison, and i saw him walking into the school so i hid in a building and watching out the window i needed a poo so bad i had to go and sit on the toilet! And that's where the IBS all began I guess, never told anyone this before! and i'm not even bothered about that incident, all part of life. that story has no relevance at all really apart from the anxiety response i had was to poo. it's not like i'm hung up over the fact that one bloke came looking for me haha.

Since I posted the original essay, I'm REALLY trying to turn things around now as i've acknowledged it's definitely anxiety. Can't believe i went for months thinking the constipation and pains were just due to bad diet/illness! when my diet wasn't even bad! And also that the flu jabs has messed up something inside of me lol.

Here's where I currently am... When I feel i'm wagging my legs loads I tell myself STOP and take a really slow long deep breath, and it feels like my lungs and ribs are all being stretched as if i hadn't been breathing properly for ages. it feels nice, and is instantly calming! sometimes literally within a minute i'm waggling again but i stop, acknowledge it's happening, and a deep breath, sorted. This also helps slow my heart down which sometimes can go for one whole day thumping really fast!

I've found this link for relaxation techniques, i'm gonna set a time daily to do the breathing and muscle relaxing ones.
http://helpguide.org/mental/stress_r...relaxation.htm

what i'm going to do aswell is write down everyday what's going on in my head, i'm hoping this will get the thoughts out of my head and on to paper (i'm not gonna bore you lot with them, lol).

oh and my constipation has started clearing up since i've been doing the deep breaths to calm down, might just be coincidence or might be that the lactulose has finally kicked in. I couldn't stop going yesterday, and this morning, very choppy though and is making me feel sick and bloated and panicky that i'm gonna get diarreah, but atleast things are moving and is a sign of a turnaround.

Also after my original post, i've stuck a bit of paper next to my light switch on the wall and on that bit of paper i have written "THINK POSITIVE!", as a daily reminder to help me soldier on. Negative thoughts attract more negatives.
ie: yes i couldnt stop pooing yesterday and feel sick cos of it BUT i'm concentrating on the positive which is atleast things are moving after all this time!!

Another essay again, really sorry.
Gonna write stuff on paper instead from now on.
But then again that's not talking to anyone like on here is it.
I agree I need councelling but if I do i'm accepting that i have a problem!
Sorry for long post again everyone. Really appreciate your replies, will read them again later when my eyes have stopped feeling funny.

183.

[crazyhayz]

Sounds to me like a course of CBT would help you very much, but if you can manage to get better without professional help then good on you But i must say CBT has worked wonders for me Good luck!

[smpomeroy]

Im really glad to hear that you are doing a bit better... sounds like you are taking real steps forward to help sort things out.

I know what you mean about reading the posts and thinking you have whats described but Im normally like that (I wont watch medical progs on tv for that reason) and the posts dont do that topo me because everyones answers are so reassuring.

Keep posting on here if it helps Im sure no one will mind or if you want someone to talk to then just PM me because I dont mind.


suz

[183]

I've had a terrible weekend. 4 days off due to easter = far too much time to think.
I wake up on the weekend and cos there's nothing to do i just lye in my bed and think myself into a panic, feel like i have to escape so i go for a walk but panic when i'm walking that i'm gonna be ill so need to be in the house. So I can't win basically! Can't carry on like this. The only time I feel 100% fine is when I'm drunk.

How do I go about seeing a counsellor? I've always found doctors to be useless. I remember going to mine once years ago when I was like 20 saying I felt nervous all the time and he just told me I had anxiety and that I should drink alcohol to loosen up a bit, that's how bad these doctors are! Also how long would I have to wait on the NHS to see someone? I need to feel better ASAP, I've got things to do!

[Ronny]

Howdy 183,great post.You poor thing I know what you are going through,I have been there to hell and back,but I found good GP and Psych,who helped me through my darkest days.I know you will be ok,you sound like a lovely person.I lost the plot years ago,but I keep on keeping on.Good luck
Rhonda xx