Crisis - Anorexia

[Karen]

I am feeling worse today. I have no control over this anymore but its my fault for being so pathetic. I've given in to cravings and now feel totally repulsed and disgusted by myself. I will have to take laxatives again now to get rid of the food again. I hate myself for being like this. I deserve to die. I am so repulsed with myself and feel so distraught I would rather die than do this again. I can't take it any more :(:(

K said the situation with the clinic and funding isn't my fault and she called the authorites 'incompetent'. I think she is getting very frustrated at the situation now and she actually said the setback with starting treatment is 'disheartening'.

She also said I need the help now because the longer this situation goes on the more damage I am doing to myself.

She is right and I don't even care about the damage I am doing to myself when I am like this. I believe I deserve it. I want to be shut away in a room where I cannot get access to food so I can starve this badness out of me. I hate myself so much.

I know I am going to abuse laxatives again to get rid of the food. I now have more diet pills and need to take great quantities of them too. I need to do whatever it takes to stop me eating.

I'm such a bad person. I am evil. This is all my fault.

Sorry :(:(:(


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[pips]

Hi Karen,

So sorry you are struggling so much hun you did good to eat honestly you have given your body a treat. It's not Bad I promise you.

Please don't feel bad you are so NOT a bad person. You are lovely kind & caring and have been a great help to me and lots of others.

Take care & Look after yourself.

Love & Wishes.

Pip's X X X X

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

Sorry you're feeling so bad mate, big (((Hug))) for you.

You're not bad, evil or anything else, you do not deserve to die and you do not deserve to be feeling this way. This is not your fault, its a horrible, cruel illness causing these feelings/thoughts.

I agree with K, it does sound like the authorities are to blame, it's not your fault treatment was delayed. I do agree with her that you need treatment soon before too much damage is done.

I know you feel bad for eating and giving in to cravings but remember there may be a reason for these cravings and your doctor may be able to help with that tomorrow. Can you try and tell your doctor how bad you're feeling, I really think you need some help from someone?
Please don't take the laxatives Karen and certainly not the diet pills (in large quantities [:O]). I know you feel that is the only way but it isn't.

You can get through this Karen, I really wish I could help more, I feel so helpless when I hear how distraught you are and I can't help. I am thinking of you though. Hang in there.

Lisa x

[Karen]

Thank you Pips.

This is so bad though and this kind of eating is not good for my body. When I binge I eat foods that are very bad and then I imagine I am adding to the badness that's within me to start with.

Karen x

[Karen]

Hi Lisa

You are so kind to be supporting me like this with the struggles you are having yourself at the moment. Thank you so muvh.

I believe I am bad and evil and have been all my life. Then when I eat the bad rubbish I've just stuffed myself with, I feel I am confirming how terrible I am and that I'm adding to it.

Although in some ways I know I have an illness, I still think it is my fault for being like this and I should be able to stop. I've lost control. There is no way I can ever be loved or good enough all the time I continue with this behaviour. I am unlovable and don't even know why I am here at all.

I do want treatment. I want to stop being like this. I need to stop eating, bingeing and using laxatives but if the problem is 'me', the person I am then there is no cure or a way of getting better. The behaviour is a result of who I am.

Now I feel bad because of what I am putting other people through. I think I just cause worry and concern for others and it would be better if I weren't here. K has done so much to help me and I just keep letting her down and getting worse. All I can think about is being with her and wanting her to look after me. That's not fair on her.

I am trying to hold off taking laxatives but then I think about all the food I have just consumed and how bad and repulsively fat I am and I just want to get rid of it all. The only way I can feel better is by being empty again and punishing myself.

The diet pills came this morning and if I take enough of them maybe I won't be able to eat at all. Then I will feel better.

Thanks for the hug. You do help by understanding and supporting me.

Karen x

[Karen]

I'm sorry Nigel, the feelings will only continue building until I take action to get rid of this food.

I need to be empty again. I need to punish myself.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Karen]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is there some way that you could not attach ‘good’ or ‘bad’ labels to food? Just try to imagine it all as being neutral.<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 19 January 2006 : 14:36:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I can't because I know it is bad. All this food is doing is adding to the disgusting fat that's already on my body. This food is adding to my 'badness'.

My punishment is to use laxatives and I have to do it. I deserve it.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[clickaway]

Hi Karen,

This is not your fault at all, and we have 'proved' before that you are a good person. Do you remember all those positive descriptions of yourself people on here gave you a few months back. Maybe we could do that again?

You are like you are because of circumstance and others that have influenced your life in years gone by. You had no control of that at the time, so there is no need for shame, disgust or guilt about yourself.

Remember you have more friends on here than many others.

I just hope that clinic and the PCT get their act together soon, as I know its the loss of hope that the recent fiasco gave you, that is making you so bad at the moment.

You know this will get better.

(((BIG HUGS)))



Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

It is not your fault you can't stop this, you are not evil etc. You are good enough as a person right now and you are already loveable. You are one of the nicest most supportive caring people I have come across here so don't put yourself down. I know you can't help it but there is so much good in you.

This behaviour is a result of the anorexia not you as a person. As a person you have some problems but they can all be resolved in time and with the right help.

It would NOT be better if you weren't here at all, please don't think like that. Don't worry about concerning us either, of course we are concerned for you but because we care.

Keep holding off those pills and laxatives, you can do it. You do not have to take them. Karen can be stronger than Edie.

Lisa x

[Karen]

You are all so kind, thank you.

I should be able to stop doing this. I feel more of a failure every time I give in and binge. It is my fault. No one makes me do it. It's my responsibility.

But I don't feel in control anymore. I don't want to be here anymore if this is what my life is going to be like.

I need K so much. I wish I could be with her right now but I don't deserve her help.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.