low self esteem

[onceagain]

Well I'm still indoors since coming home from work yesterday, my curtains closed and sitting her in a big dressing gown when the sun is shining outside.. this is my new life.

I don't like the summer those of you that have got to know me realise my fears and yesterday it finally came to a head and I am more hurt than I have ever been before.

I am sick of living a lie, I am not happy I am miserable as hell I put on a brave face when required and am there for anyone who needs me but I am so lonely living in my world of torment and hurt.

I have real problems that no counsellor or doctor can cure.. because they cannot change what is done and I can't live with it happily ever.

So this is it I have a family that I need to think of so I have to stay but as I am unable to give up work that is the only time I am going out.. I've given up the gym.. and now I will exist in truth.. because that is all I'm doing anyway...

I've really had enough.. I can't bear living but I can't die so I'm sentenced to an existence of misery... yeay aren't I a lucky one.

There should be a section cover low self esteem it is as serious as the other things but no one cares... I hate it and I hate the anxiety and the depression I hate myself and I hate others for making me feel worse..

I'm sorry but I want to scream but not allowed to do that either.

[daydreamer]

Hi Sharon. Its good that you feel you can come here to express how you feel, everyone needs someone to talk to about how they feel and there are a lot of people here who will listen. I agree that there should be a section for self esteem and I can really relate to how you feel. I think that my low self esteem is probably the cause of my anxieties and it sounds like you feel the same. Have you had much counselling? are you on any medication? Im sure there is something/someone out there that can help you through this tough time your having at the moment.

[onceagain]

Thanks for replying Daydreamer... I've been on citalopram and now changed to Sertraline which my doctor did warn me doesn't take the negative feelings and thoughts away.. I like them as a medication to be honest but I don't think that any meds can help me unless they turn me into a zombie whereby I can't feel anymore.

I have had counselling and am currently waiting for therapy.. but whilst I so try to believe there is something out there to help, I've now lost faith and think it is easier to just accept that I do not fit into the world anymore.. I have no place and when my daughter doesn't need me anymore I can go..in peace.

Unless a doctor can make me into a completely new person there is no hope... I have never had anyone truly love me and I never will ... I have just taken all that I can.. I will exist at home.. that is what I think is best to do.. I hurt anyway.. and that way others can do as they like and I don't have to face any of it anymore.

I just wish I didn't have to go to work... I hate it I truly do ... I just want to curl up and never face anyone again.. but I know that is not reality.. but at the weekends and after work I can I can lock myself away..shop online and never step a foot out of the house .. and that is what I want.. though may not have a house soon either.

I have no family to go to they don't have the room so I have to be here on my own... even when I'm not if that makes sense.. I will chat on here and make friends online from the safety of my living room and that is all I need.

Low self esteem is created you are not born with it.. I feel that people can only take so much.. we do need support and if those we count on let us down then I don't want to keep warring with the world on my own.. I have accepted this now.. I won't go to the therapy and I haven't taken my meds today because it is time to just accept .. my place.. and I have no place.. if I lose the house then my daughter will have a home and I will do what is necessary x

[Maj]

Hello Sharon,
Oh for goodness sake, you sound as though you are in a very dark place. I feel for you and wish I could do something to help you. I don't know all the ins and outs of your problems, but surely your doctor can arrange for some more help for you. It's such a shame you are shut indoors because it is such a beautiful day. I felt like c..p this morning and decided to go into the garden and it's made me feel better, just being outside and in the sun.! Even something as trivial as this can actually make you feel better
(although my husband's face is now tripping him because I told him to get up off his backside and do some weeding)!! I cannot believe that you can't be helped through this. I, too, have very low self-esteem, although not as bad it is used to be as I think getting older brings enlightenment. But you are a very important person, no matter what your thoughts are are the moment. You are feeling very negative and my heart goes out to you. You don't deserve to feel like this. Maybe you are needing more medication to help you through this awful period. Maybe then you could just see a glint of light that would point you into the direction that yes, you actually are a beautiful, kind, sensitive person. Please please speak to your doctor again and don't leave out any of how you feel. This is an illness like any other and needs appropriate treatment to get out of this living hell. It can be done. Please keep posting all your thoughts and feelings because you need someone to listen to you. I send you all my love.
Myra x

[onceagain]

Bless you Myra

The problem is that I feel more anxious in the summer months and yesterday I had a blip and it ended in my partner pushing me and shouting and telling me that this is what I must have done to my ex which is what made him hit me.. so thats what the man I love feels.. I am hurt to the core...

The sun doesn't make me feel better it just reminds me how I'm ruined and how I cant do the things that I so enjoyed doing once upon a time.. I worry that I'm not good enough on an hourly basis in the summer it turns to every second of the day... I can't cope with it...

No doctor or medication can fix the problems I have.. I can hide myself in the winter but the summer hurts cos not only do I see the damage but I also see how normal everyone else is in comparison.. and I cannot cope anymore. it is very real for me and I am dying inside I've lived like this for over 20 years, 20 years of existence and I just don't want to anymore... I've just had enough..

I know that I am capable of giving love but I do not seem deserving enough to be given love ... I have a huge garden and yet I've still got the curtains closed and doors shut.. my partner will go out has been out and I hurt like hell but then I know that eventually what I can't see won't hurt well thats what I hope.. I've tried to tell doctors over the years what it is doing to my life but I see an old woman staring back at me from the mirror now with the same fears and repulsion as I did when I was in my 20's ... and I can't do it ...

Life is meant for living and I don't I exist .. nothing ever stops the pain the panic the fear nor the disappointment .. and never in my life has anyone ever truly been there for me.. I'm easily forgotton and easily replaced. So I now realise this and its time it and understand that I'm just not that important in life as a universal thing I'm just an insignificant nothing ... I guess we all hope to make a difference in some way.. but I seem to just hurt people I had always thought that I gave love but it seems that I make people treat me badly that is an incredibly hard rod to carry ... and I just don't want to anymore .. but bless you so much for that message.. I'm glad you have enjoyed the sunshine and I'm sure your hubby will love it once outside x

[Maj]

Well Sharon I am gobsmacked and in tears at your post. I don't really know what to say next. How can you think you are ruined? No matter how bad you feel you are not ruined. The people who have made you feel like this are the ruined ones because they deserve no interest. I can only assume you've had a very traumatic early life and are now suffering the consequences of this legacy. The sad fact is that you should not have to feel like this. Nobody does. Your partner doesn't seem to be very supportive, but that's his own pathetic problem. I think that some people are drawn to people who treat them bad because they think they don't deserve anything better. Nothing could be further from the truth though. You deserve someone who will treat you well and understand your thoughts and needs. It's also so sad that you can't enjoy the Summer, but I think I kind of understand that if you are so low in self-esteem. It sounds to me as though you need to escape to a whole new way of life. To start your life afresh, away from everyone you already know. This may be impossible for you but I think you sound as though you need a new start. It's never too late. I'd seriously consider your options which will give you something to think about and concentrate on YOUR needs. I think you need to do something dramatic for you that will give you something to think about and this inturn may bring confidence. Don't hide away any longer - you deserve a place in this world like any other valuable person. Please take care of yourself.
Love
Myra x

[sb001f8994]

Oh Sharon,
What happened to your positive thoughts? You sounded so good the other day. You can get there again, you proved you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I need you too! You make me laugh, you cheer my day and I think you are a wonderful caring person. Please dont let blips or thoughts of the past cloud you now. You have your therapy to look forward to. Onwards and upwards. Sending you tons of love and millions of hugs.

[onceagain]

Myra and Carol you are both lovely to me.. but really I am ruined and to make it worse my neighbour had been knocking on the door i had ignored it but then felt awful for wasting her time she kept walking to me .. so I answered unwashed, wrinkled, hair a mess and in winter dressing gown .. she had my parcels a book I had ordered.. and I wanted to cry.. she was stood there looking lovely in summer clothes with colour and sunglasses on .. and do you know how it makes me feel like I should be dead cos that is what I feel.

No please I won't do anything silly I know I mustn't now.. but people have no idea what it is like to live with me..

When my partner goes out in a while I now know what he will be seeing and it breaks my heart and that is the whole point I have no where I can hide even today trying to shut it all out it came to me.. I can't do it .. he will tire of me and go no doubts .. and that terrifies me too... but I cannot put myself through all the pain again ..

I don't want to move from this computer I have been on here since this morning .. feel like I have to keep typing and talking or else I will break... thank you for being there.

Carol I'm not going to take the therapy I will be going round in circles but will still never be happy so can't see the point the only thing that will bring happiness and peace is when it is all over... so now I'm gonna wait for that ... because I cannot find the happiness within myself it just isn't there.. I cannot have what I want from life and that is to be normal thats all I want .. and yet I cannot ever achieve this..

x

[suzy-sue]

I too was upset reading your posts Sharon ...How different your thoughts have changed since last week ..and all because of some insensitive and hurtful remark ,by someone who doesnt understand what you are going through ..Please dont think your not worthy of anything because you are .You deserve to be loved and enjoy life .You are just as valuable in this world as any one else ...Your councelling and therapy will really help put your thoughts in perspective ...Your meds are necessary ,right now ,to help you do this ,so dont stop taking them .Go and see your Dr and maybe he will perscribe you a different dose or something else to help you through this terrible time .Stoping them will only make you feel worse .Once you get to a better frame of mind you can do things to change your life .and make things how you want them .Believe me it is possible ,and you will come through this ..Just stay stronger and dont give up on yourself ,you deserve much much more than you have right now .As Myra says you present state of mind has made you settle for people that treat you bad because you think you dont deserve any better ..All this will change ,and nothing we go through cant be overcome .Think of all the things you used to enjoy doing and all the things you will be able to do in the future ..Just because the past has been bad ,doesnt mean the future will be too .So dont give in to this negative pattern of thinking ,its all to do with past events .Dont let it rob you of the rest of your life ..Your daugher will need you for ever ,not just for a short time .Stay strong for a bit longer hun ,you can get through this if you try .Big Hugs LUV Sue xxx

[daydreamer]

Hi Sharon,

Im sorry you feel so bad at the moment.

I agree with everything that myra said. You do deserve to be loved and Im sure you are loved very much by your daughter! I dont think there is a time when your daughter wont need you, we always need our mothers for something or other!
Im sure you love your daughter very much too, so you are capable of loving.

You said yourself that low self esteem is something that is created and not something you are born with, well that also means that its something that can be improved! Have you considered seeing a Psychologist? I think maybe it would be a good idea. Maybe they can help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and make sense of everything that has happened to you so you can move on from it?