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Thread: Vicious circle...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2008

    Vicious circle...

    Hello again,

    I've been registered with this forum for a while now, but I haven’t logged on for quite some time though. While I still had various symptoms of anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts since then, I thought I had learned to manage them. But they seem to have got much worse lately, and I feel I'm basically stuck in a vicious circle, either feeling depressed on one hand, or suffering agitation/intrusive thoughts on the other.

    In the past, I had a lot of irrational and intrusive thoughts – I was worried about stabbing others and myself, yelling "bomb" on a plane, deliberately breaking something or making a fool of myself, that kind of thing. I also worried about a lot of things that may happen which I believed were outwith my control - for example, I worried that my friend was going to lace my food with laxatives, worried that I would be sick on the day of an exam, worried in case I was a victim of fraud, that drugs would be planted on my luggage, etc, which caused me a great deal of worry.

    None of these worries ever materialised. However, now I seem to worry more that I myself may somehow deliberately jeopardise something. The thing is, all the thoughts I have, such as worrying about losing control and stabbing myself, deliberately smashing something/attacking someone etc, happen when I feel I've achieved some kind of success in life. It's like my intrusive thoughts somehow want to prevent me from getting better or doing the things I want to do, and this has sometimes stopped me from doing things for fear of these thoughts becoming worse. The thing is - I WANT to do the things to help me have a successful and productive life, but whenever I feel like this is happening, the agitation kicks in again.

    However, the alternative to this agitated, almost self-loathing state, is one where I feel depressed and feel like I can't be bothered with anything in life or haven’t achieved anything. I can rarely find a middle ground where I am content with everything and want to achieve the things I want in life, without experiencing some kind of agitation or thoughts that somehow things SHOULD turn out for the worst. I either feel agitated, restless and feel that something is trying to destroy all that which I have achieved, or I feel like I can't be bothered with anything any more.

    I have been diagnosed in the past with anxiety, depression, and OCD (just the obsession side - Pure "O" I think I've heard it descrived as) and I am on 40mg fluoxetine at the moment (I was on 20mg until around November last year). Can anyone else relate?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2008

    Re: Vicious circle...

    Hi there, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this thinking. I also have OCD but I have the C and the D also. I have had the same thoughts as you and maybe a few more that are a little "out there". Please try and remember that alot of "normal" thinkers have these thoughts also the only difference is, is that dont obsess over them. When we get the though in our heads we think what horrible people we are for thinking such things and why would we ever think them. When a "normal" thinking person gets these thoughts it is just a passing wonder in their brains and is usually gone as quick as it came. People like us focus more on the "what ifs" of life instead of living for the thought at the time. Please be assured that once you dont give these thoughts a second longer than they deserve they will go away. It can be done to retrain your brain to let them go as soon as they come in. I know they are disturbing but remember they are only thoughts and do not define what kind of great person you are. Take care and let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
    Peace and much love to all

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2008

    Re: Vicious circle...

    Hello, thanks for the reply. Although I have never gone through with any of the unwanted thoughts, there is still the thought that it is possible for me to do so - a case of "what if?" The horrible thing is, is that I seem to get a lot more feelings of agitation whenever things are going OK - for example, I may worry about silly things, but when they don't happen, something seems to tell me that it shouldn't go this well, and that the worst should have a result I am often prevented from making the most of the opportunities available to me - essentially stopping myself doing things or going places because I believed it could cause these thoughts to come back.

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