I think I'm agoraphobic
The first time I heard the term agoraphobic was when I first saw the movie "Copycat" with Sigorney Weaver. I thought the word ment afraid of blood and guts. I wasn't agoraphobic yet and I was pretty social. I was still a teenager when I saw that movie. I was sexually abused as a child and lost my virginity at age 13 to my bestfriend. I think I'm gay; I'm 29 and I think. My mom left when I was two and I developed an obsession with her, putting her on a pedestal. I remember dreaming about her and wanting her and the few times I got to see her as a kid, I remember balling insanely when she left. So I had a sexual relationship with my bestfriend til I was 17. I did drugs with hiim and we had lots of friends. The sex we had was a secret, but I did fall in love with him. I loved him, and one night at denny's he told me he didn't like me. He said it more than once and it was out of the blue. He did it to see how I would react. I reacted badly. I said nothing, but the next night when we started to have sex (we would pretend to be asleep), he just started to look grosse to me, his skin was grosse to me, so I stopped pretending to be asleep and pulled off, it was dark, and I collected my clothes in the dark of his room, got dressed and walked home. I stopped talking to him and everyone he had ever introduced me to. This was the first time I isolated myself. I isolated myself for a whole year. My entire 17th year I slept during the day and watched the sitcom "Friends". I was awake when everyone else was asleep. When I turned 18 I started dating again and going out to clubs, I met someone and fell in love with him too, but it only lasted a month. It ended with me just recognising in his behavior that he was done with me, we never even verbally broke up. I just left and never contacted himi again. I re isolated myself. I think the first time I had a panic attack was when I was 17, the first time I isolated myself. I went to the store with my dad, he wanted me to get out of the house. I walked in, it was frys, and I felt like everyone was stairing at me. My legs started to feel weak while I walked though the store and I know my vision blurred cuz it still does to this day. I asked my dad for the keys to his car and he said no and then I started to get loud demanding the keys, letting him know I had to get out. He gave me the keys and I went to the car and sat in it while I waited for him to come out. I came home and went right back to my room. when I was like 19 or 20 I met this girl name Carrie, she kind of became my girlfriend and we roomed up together. I had a job while we lived together, but I was absolutely miserable and I wouldn't talk to anyone at work but Carrie (we worked together). Anyway my time with Carrie was just me with her and eventually another guy came into the picture, who I fell in love with; it was a threesome. He proposed to her and I cut myself out of the picture, by moving out and moving in with my mom. I felt we should all be equal and if they got married, where would that leave me, so I got hurt and left. While living with my Mom I still maintained isolation, she lived in a lake house iin Iowa and I could just pace the private golf course, swim in the lake, or hike the forest on the other side of the lake. Im a big pacer. I never met anyone knew and eventually I moved back to Arizona to live with my dad. I was isolated for a year and moved back to my moms and lived with her in iso for 3 years and moved back to my dads and stayed in iso for 2 years. My mom went through a bad devorce and ended up moving here to Arizona. I paid for her and my brother to live for like a full year. She would come over every morning and we get coffee and go hiking at South Mountain, they just moved back to washington and I find myself back in isolation. I work as a Security Guard now and I guard a site that's in the middle of the desert. I work completely alone with no supervision. I only make two calls to the office to let my employer know I'm on site and when I'm leaving. It's also important to mention that when I was like 21 I got a hair restoration procedure, because at like 19 I started to lose my hair in the front. Nobody told me bald men were sexy and I had such low self esteem. I thought I had to be abercrombie attractive to get ahead in the world and that I needed to be fantasy material. The doctor said I only would need one procedure. Ive had 3 since and still need another one. It just occurred to me that my phobia exsisted before the resto procedure, up til like yesterday, I really thought all of this was cuz of the resto procedure, but now I think the only reason I got it done in the first place was cuz of my phobia. Now I Feel like I have to get another one just to make it look more normal. I feel like I'll be able to get over this once I do, but I'm not sure that's true.
So that's the long, long story of me. I've pretty much been isolated for going on 10 years. All I want is to be happy and in love with someone I trust, someone I can hold, or that will hold me. I have severe trust issues. I espcially dont trust men. In general with everyone: I'm afraid they don't love me when they say they do; that i'm not really wanted when they say I am and that I'm not attractive when they say I'm.
I'm afriad I'll kill myself before I make any friends, cuz I have no friends.
Your new agoraphobic member,
Chris
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.to NMP ..You will get lots of help and support here ,Glad you found us .Things will get better for you ,and youve made a big step telling us all about yourself .So well done for that .Nice to meet you ..LUV Sue x
