hello everyone, my name is Ross and I'm a 38 year old composer. I pitch for advertising music and television title sequences. I get just enough to pay the rent.
Well, I'm going to talk about my problems - and what I'm doing about them - and what I want from life. It'll take some time because It's hard to see the screen through my tears.
I've hidden all my life from people and social occasions including picnics, parties, cinema, weddings, clubs, and anywhere that I can't get home from quickly If I need to. I am the best at getting out of social events - even if it means saying I'm going somewhere and just not turning up or saying I went there on the wrong day etc. I'm also quite good at saying I'm not going before I've even heard where I've been invited to. My previous girlfriends have tried to help but I (nearly) always win and they appear to be single. I can't answer the phone or call my friends - the few that I have left.
I recently found this wonderful site after going to see Patrick Olszowski's "a Walk Through Fear in Pictures and Words" at the gallery@oxo Oxo Tower Wharf in London and I've read many posts.
I'm proud to say that I went to the gallery on my own. While I was there the photographer was being interviewed by a radio station and I overheard him saying that he went for cognitive behavioral tharapy to learn some life skills and it really helped him with his panic attacks. After the interview I nearly told him that I liked his photos but my throat tightened and tears began to swell and I had to leave. I need to learn some life skills - that's all. I know I'm a nice, caring, amusing, intelligent person (sometimes). I also know that my frustration can overflow into my relationships with people and I can find myself having strange arguments where I cannot let it go. I also take every opportunity to tell people how bad my life is. I have many bad memes that need to be challenged.
I went to my doctor and handed him a long list of my problems which he read while i cried. I asked for antidepressants and therapy. He gave me the drugs which I took for 4 days before phoning him in a panic. They made me feel like I was permanently on extacy and they stopped me sleeping. He told me to stop taking them and I'm pretty sure now that antidepressants are not what I need. I've tried all the (illegal) drugs in my past - it's one of the many downsides of the music business. Last year I got a little bit into cocaine, mainly because my writing partner has taken it for years - you eventually get drawn in. This did not help my relationship with my girlfriend. We have stopped now since new year - we are more productive and I can almost guarantee that we won't go back there again. It nearly ruined the business.
I take very small amounts of cannabis mixed with tobacco. I don't smoke cigarettes and I think that I do it for the nicotine. Even these small amounts of cannabis are bad for my head. It makes me 10 times worse and I must give up. I've told my doctor and he will help.
I drink 2 pints of beer a day and I have to say that beer appears to help me. It certainly makes me feel better especially if I'm with someone. I would say that for me it is an antidepressive. I can laugh and tell jokes and relax. I do go to the pub on my own if no one is around where I drink and read. It's a bit sad I suppose but I figure that at least I get out of the house. Then again I never spark up conversations with people and when I see those other (probably) sad old men who always drink on their own, I imagine that I will become one if I'm not one already. I change the pub each time so that it doesn't appear that I'm nearly always alone. I can see that alcohol is a crutch but it's also what the English do - isn't it?
And so to the catalyst for my push for betterment - I've recently been dumped again (the day before new years eve) after a 3 year relationship - she was a fantastic woman and she deserved better and I wish her luck. She said she felt like a crutch. I sent emails doing the usual pleading (and understanding)
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