Pregnant and tocophobic

[Harli]

Hi

I am 43 years old, 7 weeks pregant (first time) and badly tocophobic. When I found out I was pregnant I booked a termination so extreme was my fear. My husband begged me to see a doctor first to see if there was anything they could do and I agreed that I would. So on Friday I went to see a doctor and I explained how I was feeling (basically I am in state of high stress, not sleeping well, hardly eating, can't concentrate, feeling very very low) and she was actually quite nice. She asked if I had considered an elective c-section and I said I had but what chance would I have of getting one of those on the NHS. She said I had a good case and she would refer me to a consultant who was sympathetic. She said she would fax the letter on Monday marked urgent as my termination is booked for Friday. She took my mobile number and said that the consultant would call me. Well she hasn't called and I am in major panic mode, I want to cancel the termination but I can't unless I know for sure I can have that c-section. This is not a simple fear I have, it is a terror. I made the mistake of posting on a pregancy site and got told I was selfish and stupid and that C-sections were dangerous and there was no way I would get an NHS c-section, that I would be made to have counselling and then they would still say no. I don't know what to do. Do I trust the doctor that this consultant is sympathetic? I just want to see her asap to try and get this sorted out but she isn't calling me.

[lozalgi]

Dont worry. My midwife told me that they cant refuse a c section in case anything goes wrong with the natural delivery. I myself had a very bad first labour with my son but then went on to have a fantastic elective c section with my daughter and it made the world of difference to me. They tried to persuade me to have another normal birth but i point blank refused and they were fine about it. Just put your foot down and you will get what you want. Please keep in touch and let me know how you get on and NO WAY are you selfish. xxx

[Harli]

Thanks for your reply. Do you really think if I insist quite strongly I could get a c-section? The doctor specifically wrote to this consultant as she was known to be sympathetic. I just want to see her asap and get it sorted. I can't go on feeling like this, I am a zombie at work and I spend most evenings crying. I feel so pathetic because normal women do this sort of thing every day and many times over but I just can't and no amount of counselling will persuade me that I can. I have felt this way all my life, my first partner didn't want kids but he physically and mentally abused me for 5 years. My husband is an absolute angel and when I told him I didn't want kids he was OK with that, this was an accident (at my age stupid I know) and he really wants me to keep it and I think I actually want to keep it myself but if I can't have the c-section then I can't have the baby, I know that is totally evil but that is the extent of my terror.

[mary3]

Hi Harli, gosh what a horrible phobia to have it must be such a struggle at the moment. Please try not to worry i am sure that they will let you have a c section. Although i dont have much experience with this scenario i do know that my own midwife was so supportive she would have helped me to achieve anything so im sure that if i had got the same phobia as you she would have supported my decsion for a c section and helped to discuss this with the consultant. I would speak to your dr again tomorrow and ask them to get back in touch with the consultant and also ask if its possible to meet with your midwife, she maybe a fantastic support and offer much needed reasurrance. Im sure the consultant will ring tomorrow though xx

[Carys]

'Totally evil' ? No way, don't let anyone make you feel that way ! You are terrified, scared witless to the point of desperation, this doesn't make you evil to consider a c-section. There are other posts from women on this site who currently have or have had similar fears to you. The thing is is is actually only Tuesday and the consultant may not have even got the fax till later today, so I think they would not even have time to reply just yet. Why not call your doctor tomorrow pm and say that you've heard nothing yet and need to talk urgently ?

[peach]

hi harli,

i have a post on here about the same thing- tocophobia.

im pregnant and severe tocophobic. im in aust, so dont know how the system works over there, but i have heard its easier to get a c-section over there. like the other ladies have said, just put your foot down and demand it. im totally sure you will get it. other ladies on here who live over there have. im very confident you will get the c section.

i also just wanted to let you know ive had a huge amount of support from wonderful women on here through this experience, and in turn, if you ever want advice, or even just an ear, pls dont hesitate to message me. im on here a lot and will be able to assist im sure. im currently 28 weeks, so bit further then you and can give you advice for the pregnancy im sure. also, if you want, read my post. its LOOOOONG lol, but it will show you that im going through the same thing, and im coping. i also terminated my first pregnancy and regreted it for 5 yrs, and am determined to have this bub.

pls dont hesitate to contact if you need anything. also, find a good mid wife, i found a great one, was very honest with my issues and am getting good help to get me through this.

[peach]

i just wanted to add, the first trimester is the worst! i was exactly the same as you, no sleep, freaking out, panic attacks, not coping, felt like i was loosing it.....but i made it through and you really do get used to it all......i promise. i sleep pretty well these days.

[sb001f8994]

Hi Harli,
I havent got a fear of pregnancy but I did have a fear of the birth. I had my two sons naturally and was fine but when having my daughter as well as being agoraphobic I had this real bad fear of the birth. I was offered a c section which I accepted but changed my mind right near the end. I had a fabulous birth, no pain relief and completely natural with very little help, it was brill.
Peaches is right the first few months are the worst, your hormones are all over the place, you cant think straight and your head is in a whirl, the middle few months are the best, I thought and the last few months are just uncomfortable but exciting.
Hope things go well for you and Ive heard you can get a c section by choice, I found no problem booking mine. My daughter in law too booked a section and had no problems and didnt even have to explain why she wanted one! I found my mid wife and consultant very supportive and sympathetic when I was having my daughter so good luck to you.
Take care,

[Harli]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. At the moment I feel pretty awful. Still nothing from the consultant so I am going to call the doctor tomorrow. I cancelled the termination today, the lady I spoke to was really nice and supportive. If I could just get to speak to the consultant and know that I could have a c-section I would be OK. I just want to feel normal again, I am normally really organised and confident and right now feel like a total mess.

[Bexmumto3]

Hi Harli, I don't have a fear of pregnancy but do have a fear of birth after having such a tough time with my 1st (I now have 3) I was on Fluoxetine when I found out I was expecting my 3rd but the GP stopped it by 8wks. It was on my notes that I suffered with panic attacks & I was supported the whole time & the midwives & doctors were fantastic, I was induced as I had pre-eclampsia and as I have such a fear of hospitals they allowed my husband to stay with me over night. I couldn't have faulted them at all & I think if you are open with them & explain your fears & tell them what you want & expect then they will support & help you.
Just make sure you stand your ground & get your husband too as well. x