2nd Time on Citalopram

[jchild10]

Hello, everyone. I've been reading through the Citalopram discussions here for a couple weeks now and thought I would post for the first time.

This is my second time on Citalopram. I was originally diagnosed with major depression during my 2nd year of university, back in 2002. I started seeing a psychiatrist through my school's insurance program and they first tried me on Remeron (Mirtazapine), which made things worse. I was switched to Zoloft (Sertraline) soon after, and promptly had a manic episode, followed by another depression. At this point my diagnosis ran "major depression, with manic tendencies", and I was put on the mood stablizer, Depakote. I had to drop out of university because my moods were getting unbearable and I couldn't make it to my classes. Fast forward to 2006, past a few more medication changes, suicide attempts, and stays in psychiatric hospitals, to when I was first put on Citalopram. And this was when things actually started improving.

I stayed on it for three years until June of 2009 when I figured I could taper off it and be free from medication forever. Alas, my depression and anxiety slowly started to creep back starting in December. It was so gradual I didn't realize it what was happening, or that it was getting so bad. Depression is a tricky thing in this respect. I live in an area where we get a lot of snow from December through March, so that wasn't helping my mood either. I eventually decided, after much resistance, to restart my Citalopram, on April 7th, 17 days ago.

Three days into starting a 20mg/day dose I could tell I had made the right move. My mood started to get lighter, and has been getting better since. I of course had all the usual side effects again upon starting it, but most of them have disappeared. I feel resigned at this point to the fact I may need to be on medication for a while yet. Since I don't have health insurance I can't really afford talk therapy, so that will have to come at a later date.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my experience. It took a while, and years of trial and error to find the right medication. But there is hope.

And thank you, No More Panic for being here. This is an excellent forum, and has given me much support.

[KK77]

Hello and welcome to the forum, Jchild.

You've certainly had a tough time like most of us here and aren't alone. I've also been on many meds and I'm currently on sertraline (Zoloft) which has been the best so far.

It's a tough road and as I'm sure you know with perseverance and compliance to meds you can certainly improve.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

[jchild10]

Thank you, Melancholia. I wish you the same health and well-being.

I probably would have stayed on Zoloft if it hadn't been so activating (like I said, it triggered a manic episode for me). I'm glad it's working for you, hopefully not too many side effects.

[jchild10]

It has been 3 weeks so far (22 days to be precise) for this second time on Citalopram. Started at 20mg/day, and don't really see the need to up my dose as things are getting better at a steady click. Side-effects not so apparent now, or so negligible in comparison to the positive effects that I either don't notice them, or wave them away (dry mouth, increased urination, decreased libido, increased sweating, etc). I would much rather have these minor complaints in my life than the crushing pain inside my soul that constitutes depression. What's a wetter pair of armpits, when I can wake up in the morning smiling, without a head full of worry?

Most of the activities I used to do for fun went by the wayside when I relapsed into depression last December: reading, writing, exercising, hanging out with friends. My appetite was shot, and I wouldn't eat anything till early evening. I thought if I could just wait it out, slog it through my work days, and get as much rest as I could, I would come out the other side eventually. Months into it, things were getting decidedly worse, and I could barely hack it at work anymore. By early March, the snow still thick on the ground, showing no sign of shifting, Spring long overdue, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. Had an easy way of offing myself been available at the time, I gladly would have taken it.

As I said, after much hesitation, and endless research (like "is a person's response to an anti-depressant quicker if you have been on it in the past?"), including poring over "The Citalopram Survival Guide", I unearthed my old pill bottle of Citalopram from the bottom of my sock drawer, and reluctantly downed one.

My initial reluctance was based on thoughts running through my mind that went like this: "Why do I need to go back on anti-depressants again, I did so well about coming off it 8 months ago," "How will I get a refill for it, I haven't been to a doctor in years," "WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK?," "It doesn't feel like ANYTHING will make this depression go away," "Why bother, I don't want to be on this planet anyway," "I'll have to wait so long for it to work!," "WHY BOTHER," "I don't want to feel the side effects again," "What if the doctor says I need to see a psychiatrist to prescribe it?," "Will I be prescribed a host of other medications too, like I was in the past?," "WHY BOTHER."

So I downed my first dose, not expecting anything good to come from it, but definitely expecting the side effects to come in no time at all. They did come, I felt worse, just like my thoughts promised I would. But I kept on, the next, took another dose, didn't feel the side effects as badly. Day after, another dose. And then the cloud started to lift. Ever so slowly, but it was lifting.

I remember my first experiences with SSRI's eight years ago (20 years old then) when I can mark my first full-blown depressed episode, and how they didn't help, or took so long to work. All these thoughts played into my worry/anxiety about starting medication again. I assumed it would be exactly the same way again. It wasn't. It's weird. I'm glad.

Besides the cloud lifting, other little things hint at the depression clearing day by day. I started journaling again, and I haven't written anything for months. I started feeling my stomach quietly rumble in hunger in the mornings when I got out of bed, so began eating breakfast again (note: actually wanting to eat, instead of feeling I should eat, and forcing something down my throat); a nice improvement over relying on coffee and cigarettes to get me through my days. I started wanting to be around people again, and that I didn't need to be scared or so self-conscious. I realized that my job is not as overwhelming as I thought it was. I started noticing less negative thoughts in my head. Thoughts of suicide seemed absurd, ridiculous, foreign (as if from another mind than my own, not being able to imagine I thought like that only a month ago). Started wanting to go outside more, to pick up the basketball and shoot some hoops, to take a walk in the woods and not be stuck in my head, thinking I should be at home, inside, isolated. Isolated because I deserve it (another foreign thought to me now).

It's amazing to me how depression/anxiety so warps out thinking. When we start feeling better, the horrible, negative thoughts that used to constantly crowd around for attention seem so out of place.

Okay, I've rambled on long enough.

[jchild10]

Little over 7 weeks back on Citalopram now (51 days), and 9 days since my dose was increased from 20mg to 30mg. Things are good, ticking along nicely.

The side-effects did rebound when I went up on my dose last week, but weren't nearly as debilitating as when I first started out, and I feel better for it. I had been noticing the tell-tale signs of a relapse a few weeks ago: irritation, loops of worry that kept going round and round in my head, trouble sleeping, and increased anxiety. So I went to see my doctor and my dose was upped.

Things seem to be smoothing out again.

[keta]

Hi

I'm on Citalopram for a third time mainly for anxiety but it also lifted my bad mood swings i started 3 weeks ago on 10 mg and still feel some of the side affects and my anxiety has not improved so far so thinking if i should have my dose increased or not. Last time i was on it was almost 2 years ago and i was hoping never to have the need to use them again but had lots of stress since about October last year which pushed me to this point and need to go back on it. I was in tears when talking to my doctor and as i've done already CBT he thought i would benefit taking Citalopram again.
It just kind of make you feel down that i may have to be on medication for rest of my life

keta

[bigmo]

I recall reading on the forum, someone who posted they had been on this medication for 7 years. I found that to be a relief!