Panicking Again

[Karen]

I'm in a real state again. I am experiencing another panic attack and can't cope with much more.

I have been Googling for info about K again. I feel ashamed of myself for doing it as I think it is like I am stalking her [:I]. But it helps me feel closer to her.

However, tonight it has backfired. I found something which suggests she might be moving... and worse than that it would be to another country.

I can't live without her and I am feeling so upset and am despairing again now. I don't know what to do. What if she moves??? I'm so scared. She is my life. Without her my world will collapse.

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Quirky]

Hi Karen,

Sorry you're feeling so bad, try and relax and tell yourself the panic attack will pass, I know it's hard as it took me all afternoon for mine to settle a bit. Try doing your breathing exercises.
Are you sure this information about K is correct, is it recent etc?
If it is true I'm sure she will keep in touch with you like she does now. As far as I know you speak with her through email/forums and don't meet her in real life (not sure if you ever have?). If this is the case she can still contact you through email etc from anywhere. Try not to worry until she says she is moving, I know it's hard as you can't ask her without admiting the googling. I'm sure she wouldn't abandon you though, whatever happens.

Try and get some rest and I hope you sleep tonight.

Lisa x

[Karen]

Hi Lisa

It is true that I only talk to her online at present but she is not that far away - especially not compared with being in a completely different country - and we have this 'lunch date' planned for when I am better supposedly. This will never happen if she moves to another country.

I can't calm down and I know I can't breathe due to panic but this is the last straw at the end of a very difficult week.

It's true that I am not even able to ask her about this without admitting that I was searching for info about her again. She knows that I follow her about on another forum but I just found this one tonight.

She wrote about moving at the end of last year so it is not that long ago and it is still a possibility that she might be leaving. I expect something like that would not happen overnight and would take a lot of organisation. It would also explain why she has been so busy and not online at my other forum so much recently.

I am so scared she is actually going that I am actually crying again. I've gone from not crying at all to being an emotional, blubbing wreck in 24 hours.

Karen x

[Hannahlou84]

Karen,

Try not to panic. It's understandable given the current situation that you would, however, even if K was moving, it does not mean she would be leaving you. OK, so she would be further away geographically-- but from experience with someone I feel like this about, them moving (or going back)to another country does not change anything, not really- and that's with an 8 hour time difference.

Lets try and be rational. Perhaps put a relaxation CD on? K is not abandoning you or giving up on you. Keep reminding yourself of this. x

[Quirky]

Big hug (((Karen))). You're not a blubbering wreck, you're just letting your feelings out which is good.
This may sound silly but you are sure this is about K what you read?
You don't know for sure she is moving, it may or may not be happening, although I can understand your distress. I am sure she would keep in touch though and if she promised you a lunch date I doubt she's one to not keep her promises, even if it had to happen before you were better or something. If she moved abroad she'd probably be back to visit familyetc too so it could happen then.
It wouldn't happen overnight and would definitely take alot of organisation to move abroad. This may not even be why she is busy, she could not be online for any number of reasons. This may have just been something she was considering not necessarily definate.
I know it doesn't help but I do believe she'll be there for you no matter where she is.
I hope you feel better soon, I know how horrible the panic and having trouble breathing is. Take care, thinking of you.
I'm hopefully off to bed soon so I'll say night night now. I hope you can relax and get some sleep.

Lisa x

[Karen]

Thank you Lisa and Hannah.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">This may sound silly but you are sure this is about K what you read?<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 27 January 2006 : 23:32:50</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Yes I'm sure. She was the one who wrote about it.

I am certain she is going and this is my punishment for being so bad. I lose everyone I care about as they leave for one reason or another in the end.

Although I know she would still be able to keep in contact through the Internet it still feels like I am losing her forever. She will be so far away.

Sorry to say it but right now I wish this was a heart attack and not just panic. My world has just collapsed :(

Karen x

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Quirky]

One more quick message before I go to bed.
Karen,
I am going to try and ignore the heart attack comment [:O] but I can assure you if you were having one you would not wish you were. I'm hyperventilating/palping again just thinking about that! Don't apologise though, just my heart related health anxiety again. The power of the mind! Lol.
If K does move it is not a punishment, realistically it couldn't be, if she goes it's because she wants to and nothing to do with you being punished. I sometimes think I'm being punished too but rationally it's not possible. Your world has not collapsed, K will still talk to you on the internet wherever she is, try not to catastrophise (as you would tell me ). You can feel close to someone wherever they are, it's not always to do with actual distance. You will not lose her forever, she'll be there for you the same as she is now.
Take care, thinking of you.

Night,

Lisa x

[alexis]

Hi karen do you not have people on msn or the end of a mobile, last night I found myself having the second worst panic I have ever experienced, I couldnt do anything, didnt know what to do so I went on MSN and received wonderful help, advice and support from a couple of friends, also texts from somebody else via a mobile.
I dont google about anything I did it once and learnt what a mistake it was, just want you to know as usual I am thinking about you. take care,xxxx

Most of lifes battles are won, by looking beyond the clouds to the sun:
and having the patience to wait for the day,when the sun comes out and the clouds go away.


love from Alexisxx

[Karen]

Sorry about the heart attack comment Lisa. I didn't mean to cause you more anxiety.

Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.

I do believe my world has fallen apart. Everyone I care about leaves but I know it is my fault. I can't calm down. Can't even see to type anymore.

[Karen]

Thanks Alexis.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi karen do you not have people on msn or the end of a mobile <div align="right">Originally posted by alexis - 28 January 2006 : 00:12:31</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Not late at night... well I don't have many people on either at any time of the day really.

I appreciate your support, thank you.

I am still in a panic about this. I've been trying so hard to stop harming myself with laxatives but need to cause myself to hurt physically because I can't take the mental anguish.

Feel so alone now.

And I've just read something else on there that I am not sure how to take. I want to be with her more than anything but even though I know it is unreasonable and selfish to want this I can't change how I feel. I just want to go to her right now and hold on so tight that I can be with her forever [Sigh...]

Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.