stop these f*****g nitemares STOP THEM

[ASH65]

no no no no no no
"someone take these dreams away"
i have done my best to be happy and positive.
but yet again i awake from horrific sexual nightmares which is like being
slowly aware that there is a chord round your neck.disgusted sense of sexual awareness,feeling bruised,scared,lonely in what i know,
totally unable to orientate.morning ade.
i shower and shower and shower to make myself feel clean,but my being naked scares me,only yesterdays clothes feel vaguely right.
i am nearly 45....the abuse stopped when i was 11,.if you count from when it started i have carried this poison-laden wound for 41 years.

again my wife and children say nothing.they simply embrace me and love me without fuss,a cup of tea and plans to do some gardening.they know
"dada haf a bad dream awww" so they bring me things to "make you betta dada" and my eldest just holds me like she is my parent,calm assured.yesterday when i was saying sorry because i have had no money for treats she said "dad we dont need treats we have you "
the contrast between these two worlds tears me in ttwo and leaves me a sobbing little child infinitely in love with my girls .....and ripped apart like the interior of a car after a car bomb by the memories and truth of what being raped does.

[alias_kev]

Hi Ash, Sorry to hear the burden you are still under. HUG. I confess that the contents of your dreams appalls me and I'm truly saddened at how long you've suffered this.

Conversely your tales of your Wife and Children actually bring joy it what can be a hard world for all of us. Your openness that you suffer and their care and joy for & in you is amazing and a tribute to how you have lived your and their lives despite your past. That love may be the key to beating this, I infer that it is your key to surviving it.

I intuit (perhaps wrongly) that as much as the events from 7-11 its your (sense of and actual) isolation and vulnerability then and afterwards which has trapped this anguish in your brain for so long. Compared to you I've had smaller and/or briefer traumas in my life, but I know how images from those can stick in the mind. That's only the smallest glimpse of what you describe. All I can think to say is - HUG.

I wonder if there are aspects of your sleep routine, preparation and environment that could be changed to most separate now from then, both physically and inside your head. Room colours, Light/Darkness, links with loved ones (photos, their toys, etc), smells eg. your kids talc - just tossing some ideas out there.

This next idea may sound crazy but I think you/we need to consider everything... we are all in crazy land already some of the time... Have your wife take your daughters to buy you a stuffed toy (teddy, dog, cat whatever suits them and their idea of you). Maybe even one very much like one of their's. My son did that when small - he wanted me to have the same friend as him . This must be completely their choice, except for budget (I know things are tight - mine too).

Have them cuddle it a lot for a day or two to make it part of your family and a symbol of their love and the purity of your relationship with them. Then you sleep with it in your hands/arms. I want it to carry their love into your dreams and back into the past with you - I hope that imagery will impact your dreaming mind.

Thats just a random idea Ash, but I hope you can see what I'm trying to draw on. You've overcome a lot to be a good dad - there's a lot of positive energy/facts in that.

Take care mate, Kevin

[marie1974]

hi hun, i just read your post and altohugh i havent been through what u have, what shines through is what a lovely caring and fantastic person/ husband/dad you r.

Kevins idea was a lovely one, im sure u have prob had lots of counselling, i dont have any answers im sorry but i hope the love from your own little family will at some point help u too move forward away from your pain. big big hugs x

[Monkeylover]

Hey Ash, I'm sorry to here what your going through. I know how the nightmares can affect your life. I'm sorry to hear they are so bad. I don't know if anyone was every told you this, but it is not your fault what happened to you.