Re: stop these f*****g nitemares STOP THEM
Hi Ash, Sorry to hear the burden you are still under. HUG. I confess that the contents of your dreams appalls me and I'm truly saddened at how long you've suffered this.
Conversely your tales of your Wife and Children actually bring joy it what can be a hard world for all of us. Your openness that you suffer and their care and joy for & in you is amazing and a tribute to how you have lived your and their lives despite your past. That love may be the key to beating this, I infer that it is your key to surviving it.
I intuit (perhaps wrongly) that as much as the events from 7-11 its your (sense of and actual) isolation and vulnerability then and afterwards which has trapped this anguish in your brain for so long. Compared to you I've had smaller and/or briefer traumas in my life, but I know how images from those can stick in the mind. That's only the smallest glimpse of what you describe. All I can think to say is - HUG.
I wonder if there are aspects of your sleep routine, preparation and environment that could be changed to most separate now from then, both physically and inside your head. Room colours, Light/Darkness, links with loved ones (photos, their toys, etc), smells eg. your kids talc - just tossing some ideas out there.
This next idea may sound crazy but I think you/we need to consider everything... we are all in crazy land already some of the time... Have your wife take your daughters to buy you a stuffed toy (teddy, dog, cat whatever suits them and their idea of you). Maybe even one very much like one of their's. My son did that when small - he wanted me to have the same friend as him . This must be completely their choice, except for budget (I know things are tight - mine too).
Have them cuddle it a lot for a day or two to make it part of your family and a symbol of their love and the purity of your relationship with them. Then you sleep with it in your hands/arms. I want it to carry their love into your dreams and back into the past with you - I hope that imagery will impact your dreaming mind.
Thats just a random idea Ash, but I hope you can see what I'm trying to draw on. You've overcome a lot to be a good dad - there's a lot of positive energy/facts in that.
Take care mate, Kevin
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Kevin, Southend-on-Sea, Essex, UK
Probably GAD & Phobias. Anxiety and renewed Depression medicated (Venlafaxine). Trying to improve.