Hello everyone, this is me.. my name is badchip and i just found this site about 10mins ago in a big flutter of a panic attack, i needed to read something rational and it helped so much... every symptom i have was writen... but anyway...
I am 19 years old, i have had anxiety/panic since i was 15 and dropped out of school because of it. Ive also suffered OCD most of my life. Its all one big joint thing, panic/anxiety/ocd/hypercondria/agoraphobia etc. Its all there. Ive always been a worry wort, since i was a kid i got freaked out by my motion sickness on long car journeys, always suffered depression when ill even if its just a little sore throat, i could never stand not being 100% and always felt so contious of my being unwell and insistant on doctor visits. Also as a kid i did suffer some OCD, i washed my hands til they were raw, could never step on the last step on a staircase, obsessed with the number 10 when drinking, and many many rituals going on. But the washed hands thing was my worry about germs. I also drove my parents crazy on holidays where there might be alot of flies, and i would sit and refuse to eat my dinner because i was worried a fly had landed on it and i might get some crazy illness. But anyway at 15 at school one day i had the first panic attack where i truely found out later on what had happened but the bad thing was my teacher or friends did not no... i pretty much thought i was dying, heart attack or whatever... and they treated it like i was having a heart attack and that has scared my mind. I was rushed to the nurse blah blah. So i left school few months later after trying to stay, but i simply kept getting more and more attacks i lived at the office and in the library my mind had made its mind up, i just couldnt get over how it seemed i nearly had a heart attack.
So, as years went by i had times if being very anxious and times of not being anxious one bit. But in the last 6 months it has crept up on me and 100 times worse then ever it feels. I wished i had of done something sooner but too late for that. I became really hyperactive at first, couldnt stay home for even a second so i lived out in town, drinking, smoking, socialising anything but being at home i also started working in a night club dancing on stage and was having a good time. Everyone now and then i had a panic attack at work and they were very understanding and if worse came to worse i would go home and they wouldnt mind. I noticed all of a sudden my anxiety was with me every step i took but not enough to bring on a full on panic attack so i hit the drink very hard because it was the only thing that helped me. Then something terrible happened, on old school friend of mine died... not just of anything though... a heart attack. He was 17 years old. I was so upset and horrified, it wasnt just your average heart attack though, he had been taking drugs and was also on medication and you could say how ever tragic it was he brought it on himself. But anyway, it made the risk of having a heart attack seem very very real. So everything went pear shaped. I started feeling very trapped at work and alone, id go in the toilets and ring my mum crying because i couldnt stand it, i thought i was dying... so i went home 2 nights then didnt turn up the next week. My life just got turned around my attacks became very intense and people started to notice i wasnt myself. Through the years ive tried everything to cure the anxiety... accupunture, hypnotherapy, homeopathic remedies, counsilling anything but antidepressants. But now every second i couldnt escape from thinking i was going to die. So just over a week ago i went onto some anti depressants. 20mg of Citalopram and things have been ok. But i am still suffering alot, i just cant seem to stop thinking about heart attacks its turned into such a phobia of something that isnt there, that has been created in my head. Ive been given 4 weeks off work on doctors sick note to allow the anti depressants to work. All i want is to believe im not dying or having a heart attack but i can be rational one
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