My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
May 25, 2010
Hello, I'm back - and sorry about the disappearing act.
You will note that I haven't got a 'day' in my diary timeline and that is because I am temporaraily off the tablets. I don't want anyone to worry that something awful has happened or there is something wrong with the tablets - there isn't - I just need to check something out.
The thing is I was really reluctant to start Cipralex again. Not because I have anything against them - I know 100 per cent that they really, really helped me and my diary entries should show that - it is just that I worried about getting on the meds treadmill again and I was concerned that I may have done so too quickly when my anxiety seemed to be coming back. I have real anxiety/depression/panic issues but I am also scared of making this a permanent problem in my life and I have been asking myself 'did I really fight this hard enough before going back to the doctors'?
That I have anxiety (and its twins depression and panic) in my life again is simply not in doubt - the weekend was horrible to be honest - but I was really knocked about by the tablets this time particularly at the end of last week. I felt really low by Friday/Saturday and more anxious than ever and I kept saying 'give the tablets some time' but I couldn't work out whether my anxiety was out of control because it was out of control or whether the side effects from the meds were hitting me far more than they should (or indeed did previously).
I was also concious that after just two days on 5mg (the doc said I should do that for a week) I upped it to 10mg as I had been on that before and that might have just been too big a shock for my system. So on Friday night I agonised 'should I stop the tablets for a while and see if my anxiety is as bad as it now seems and the meds aren't an issue in that or just carry on and let them do their stuff'.
I carrried on but after a terrible Saturday and Sunday (mainly depressing thoughts to be honest and considerable 'hiding') I decided against taking the tablets on the Sunday night and haven't done so on the past two nights. Maybe that was foolish and I should accept I can't beat this on my own but anxiety does make you question everything - including in my case, can I ever escape it if I don't try to fight it harder med-free? Maybe that was niave - we shall see.
Anyway, my anxiety, of course, hasn't gone away since Sunday (how could it?) and today is already worse than yesterday but I am going to try and see how the next few days go. If my anxiety levels seem controllable I may delay re-starting the tablets but if things get worse I may start again - at 5mg for the first week as prescribed.
I am sorry if this is all terribly confusing and I am sorry to alwaysanxious for worrying her but I have to be certain that the meds are right for me again at this time. I don't need to be 100 per cent certain - that is impossible - but I need to be up to about 80 I think and I am not quite there at the moment.
I am a very positive person usually - I hope some of my diary entries prove that - and I will have no qualms going back to the meds if I think that is right but at the moment I am just not quite convinced and I need to be as sure in my mind as possible that I can't beat this on my own this time before restarting the Cipralex path that has been such a help in the past.
Whatever the case I remain a very passionate believer in Cipralex and it is possible the heightened anxiety/side effects was man-made not tablet-made and I don't want anyone to be put off for a second starting their course. This is just me and my private battle.
I will be back with an update in the next couple of days - and don't be surprised if it is day one of 5mg again because these tablets work. I just need to be sure in my mind that I am in the right frame of mind to let them do so.
Thanks for reading - and sorry if this has confused people. Join the club!
Kind regards
Sam The Raven