My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(Before) Day One

OK, I am going to start a diary to explain my experiences going on to Cipralex /Lexapro in the hope it may help other people who are facing a similar journey on this - or other tablets. I have done this before as I will explain and I know putting it in writing helped me and one or two others so here goes…

Brief background: I am a man in my mid-40s who has suffered from a mixture of anxiety/depression and public speaking panic attacks on and off for a number of years despite holding down a pretty high-profile job that makes me have to be ‘up’ and ‘smiling’ most of the time (not easy). I resisted taking meds for a long time (a bloke thing I think) but when I did accept the inevitable I started taking Cipralex and they really, really helped. They helped so much in fact that I am afraid I came off them too quickly a couple of times. The last time I needed them I stayed with them for over a year and came off them again when feeling a lot better. That was some 12 months ago but in recent weeks I have felt many of the symptoms coming back so today I went to the doctor and said ‘I give up, I need to go back on the tablets’. And that’s where the story begins…

Pre-first tablet. Well, here we go again. 12 months after I thought I may have passed through the anxiety door (for good?) I was back at the doctor’s this morning saying I had been feeling those familiar feelings again and I needed the extra support that comes from the meds. I actually apologised I think (although we have nothing to apologise for of course) as you do feel a bit of a failure that you can’t beat this thing on your own. But that is the wrong way to look at it. Anxiety is an enemy that chooses its own time to attack – it is out of our hands. All we can do is try and attack back when this anxiety strikes – and those little white tablets are the best weapons I know. I simply have to face this battle again because I cannot and will not be beaten by anxiety and its evil offspring depression and panic.

So, folks, I will be talking my first tablet again tonight.

I have been give packs of 5mgs to start for the first week but the doc said I could go straight to 10mg (the usual dose) if I needed to. All I am trying to do now is remember the side effects of old. I recall the night-time sweats (lovely), the curious case of yawning a lot (an odd feeling) and the rather depressing thought that you do tend to feel somewhat worse before feeling better (yippee!). There is also the ‘male problem’ which I am too embarrassed to talk about here but which is a bit of a drag to be honest.

Beyond that I can’t remember much (which is probably a good thing) but what I do remember and what I WILL remember is that the side effects prove something is happening to our bodies/mind – and if we want the meds to work we have to accept that they have their own path to follow.

So this is the last time I will be writing when I am not on the meds. I am feeling OK and I am feeling positive about the whole process and I feel sure this will be a change for the good.

Let the battle commence.

[Pdubya86]

Good luck and well done for biting the bullet and heading back to the doc's.
I'm intrigued by meds. I have been suffering from anxiety for a few months now and am wondering if this is the way forward for me also.

I'll keep a keen eye on this thread.

[KK77]

Well done for starting this Raven.

Side effects do pass (well most of them) and the "male" problem is something we've talked about a lot here so don't be shy lol.

Good luck with it - hope you feel better soon.

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day One - May 13, 2010

Well, I am up and running - although to be fair I nearly didn't do it.

After my visit to the dox yesterday I drove home taking great comfort from the fact that I had my prescription nestled neatly by my side. I felt like I was doing something positive to fight this thing and felt really good as a result.

So good in fact that last night I felt fine. My anxiety was all but gone, my depressive thoughts subsided and there was not a hint of panic as I talked to people. 'Hey, I'm not that bad after all' I thought. 'Who needs those darned tablets with their side effects? I just won't bother' I boldy decided.

And then ....the morning arrived. All that bubbling excitement that maybe even paying for the prescription alone had done the trick simply evaporated. By the time I got into work for a not particularly stressful looking day (Thursdays aren't by and large) I was a mass of anxious thoughts again. And so by lunchtime I realised that last night was NOT my normal, resting state at the moment - what I felt this morning actually is.

So, taking advantage of the fact that I only live about 20 minutes from the office by car I said I needed to pop home at lunch to pick up a report and at 1.15 I took my first 5mg tablet to begin my med (Cipralex) journey again.

I confess I stared at that tablet for some time before taking it because I have been on them (on and off) for the best part of what, four or five years now, and I really thought they were a part of my past. But anxiety is a cruel deceiver which cons you it has left and the reality is it can hit you when you are least expecting it. That is what has happened again this time - and I'm not having it!

Sometimes you just can't make it on your own and this is my 'sometimes' again I'm afraid. No, I am not happy to be back on meds but then again I hate anxiety/depression and panic far more than I hate medication and so I have to do what I have to do.

Right, I'm fully four hours into my treatment then and not a miracle cure in sight.

What is wrong with these tablets????!!!

Thanks for reading.

Sam (The Raven)

[newbie76]

Good luck Sam!

I am on week 4 today of Cipralex and although I started to feel better (after feeling MUCH WORSE!) after about 2 weeks, I am definitely not out of the woods yet.

I still wake up way too early, anxious and shifting in bed and unless I keep myself busy during the day I feel my anxiety creeping back. I had a few days holiday this week and I felt I was heading back to were I started from, so I was funnily glad to be back at work! How sad!

So I am in a bit of a limbo: I really want this med to work for me, but reading other people experience I feel I should be feeling much better than this after a month being on it!

I really don't want to switch and wait another month before starting to feel better on a different medication, so I am hanging on a bit longer...

Hope it goes better for you.

Great Thread!

[The Raven]

Hey Newbie,

Thanks for the comments - and I understand all of them.

As you can see I have been on this path before and all I would say is stick with it. They do say it takes 4-6 weeks for Cipralex to really start to 'kick in' - although it is sometimes much less for people. I found that it was around the month mark myself when I noticed longer periods without the constant knot in my stomach and edge-of-the-seat tension which always symbolises my anxiety and you are probably heading in the right direction.

I agree about the holiday thing by the way. At the moment I am counting the minutes until the weekend when I am not at work so I can 'escape' but I know when I am at home I will have more time to brood and that makes you anxious and restless too. Cruel and confusing hey?

Keep in touch...and keep believing.

Sam

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Two - May 14, 2010

Well, I am up and running - two tablets down and my first big hurdle mounted.

Side effects vary for everyone of course but I was surprised how quickly they kicked in for me after just my first tablet.

Within just a few hours of taking the tablet at lunchtime I had that strange 'empty legs' feeling where your legs feel a bit loose and disconnected (does anyone know what I mean?). Then as I hit the bed last night some more tablet-induced changes occurred.

The sweats arrived, the mass yawning began and when I woke up this morning after a pretty intense sleep I felt wide awake - even though it was really early. All of these are factors I remembered from before so I wasn't totally surprised - apart from how quickly I was experiencing them.

And the hurdle to mount? Well, I had to talk this morning at a pretty important meeting. When my anxiety/panic is at its height as it is now this is a BIG thing for me and although I can happily join in cross-table debates it is the bit where they go round the table and you are put on the spot and have to speak for yourself that I always dread. All eyes are one you and that is scary for most people, most of the time I imagine. When you are anxious that fear goes through the roof.

Well, I got through it (despite thinking 'I am gonna fail, I am gonna fail' just seconds before) and, as always happens when you have a victory in the anxiety war you feel so much better as a result. We must count and remember every win in my opinion - however minor. And today depsite virtually three hours of anxiety preparing for just a five minute 'solo' spot I got through it - and yes that is a victory.

Right, the weekend now beckons and after being introduced for a couple of days back to my 5g I will probably up it to 10 (the proper dose). Double trouble!

Will keep you posted....

Sam

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Five - May 18, 2010

Ah well, here I am again. I had hoped to write earlier but I haven't really had the time or private access to the computer.

Well, I can't deny the tablets (I am on 10mg) are now well and truly in my system. I recall from my past experiences with them that the first couple of weeks were a bit strange and a bit testing and the past few days haven't been easy to be honest.

Everyone gets (or doesn't get if they are lucky) different side effects but for the record here are the ones I have encountered so far:

Night-time sweats - This is something I remember from old but it seems a bit more dramatic this time. I lie in bed feeling as if I am in a sauna and in the morning I feel as though I am on fire. I always wanted a 'water bed' - now I feel as if I have got one.

Slow reaction/lack of concentration/lack of eneregy - I don't feel as quick witted or on 'my game' as usual and I am hiding a bit to be honest in social situations for fear of exposing the fact that I don't feel great.

Loss of appetite - I just can't face food much at the moment. Not really important or hard to cope with - but strange nethertheless.

Anxiety/depression still in force - I knew this would be the case. Going on the tablets can increase anxiety briefly and I have accepted that there will be no instant miracle cure. I think it took me a month before to start feeling more on an even keel so I can be patient. I hope.

Writing it all down it doesn't seem too bad but to be honest I was pretty low at the weekend and had a really 'couch potato' day on Sunday which didn't do me any harm I guess but isn't really the route I want to go down. I am also noticing that the day definitely gets better as it goes on. The morning is pretty tough but by mid-afternoon/early evening I am certainly picking up.

So that's where I am at the moment. I don't want to sound discouraging to anyone facing the tablets, I just want an honest appraisal of my experience in the hope others will share and in the hope that good news will follow.

The truth is I KNOW from previous experiences that these tablets can and will work for me (and others) so I will stick with them and cope with whatever they throw at me.

Side-effects prove the tablets are changing us. And that is what we want them to do so I will stay positive.

Onwards and upwards...


Sam

[newbie76]

Thank you Sam for keep posting!

I am not on week 4 and I can finally admit that I am feeling better!

I manage to get woken by either my alarm or my kitten rather than my anxiety! And although I still feel a knot in my stomach when I get up, it does go within a couple of hours and it's far from the sheer panic I was experiencing only 2 weeks ago.

Please keep posting as I really enjoy coming here and read your experience. I'm sure things will improve quickly for you as you seem to have a good spirit.

Marco.

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary

Day Six - May 19, 2010

First off thank you Marco/Newbie76 for your encouraging remarks.

The beauty of a site like this is sometimes the right word said at the right time (as you just did) can be a like a shot of positive energy in a bad day. For, I have to say, today has not been good.

The pills are obviously doing their stuff now in terms of getting into my body and trying to find the problem and in the meantime they have left me feeling a bit spaced out and somewhat, ahem, tense.

My levels of concentration and energy are pretty limited and although as I write this I know I am on a mid-afternoon slight upward curve this morning was really rather rocky and I felt very hot and bothered - quite literally.

What I have started to do is to do a rough hand-drawn graph where by the hour I mark how I am feeling on a scale of '1-10'. I don't really get above five until nowish (3pm) to be honest and 10am seems a particularly bad time but I know I will steadily improve throughout the rest of the day. By doing this graph thinggy (and this diary) I hope to mark my progress and look forward to seeing better scores in the days, weeks and months to come.

So, not a great day to be honest but as I keep saying if the pills weren't giving you side effects you wouldn't know your body had noticed them. The side effects prove 'something' is happening and that is what I want.

Your words have helped Marco and I am delighted you are seeing progress. I envy your encouraging 'graph' - and look forward to replicating it!

Sam

PS Thank you also to the person who sent me a private message (I won't mention names) - and I hope my reply was of some help. I am rooting for you.