My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(Before) Day One

OK, I am going to start a diary to explain my experiences going on to Cipralex /Lexapro in the hope it may help other people who are facing a similar journey on this - or other tablets. I have done this before as I will explain and I know putting it in writing helped me and one or two others so here goes…

Brief background: I am a man in my mid-40s who has suffered from a mixture of anxiety/depression and public speaking panic attacks on and off for a number of years despite holding down a pretty high-profile job that makes me have to be ‘up’ and ‘smiling’ most of the time (not easy). I resisted taking meds for a long time (a bloke thing I think) but when I did accept the inevitable I started taking Cipralex and they really, really helped. They helped so much in fact that I am afraid I came off them too quickly a couple of times. The last time I needed them I stayed with them for over a year and came off them again when feeling a lot better. That was some 12 months ago but in recent weeks I have felt many of the symptoms coming back so today I went to the doctor and said ‘I give up, I need to go back on the tablets’. And that’s where the story begins…

Pre-first tablet. Well, here we go again. 12 months after I thought I may have passed through the anxiety door (for good?) I was back at the doctor’s this morning saying I had been feeling those familiar feelings again and I needed the extra support that comes from the meds. I actually apologised I think (although we have nothing to apologise for of course) as you do feel a bit of a failure that you can’t beat this thing on your own. But that is the wrong way to look at it. Anxiety is an enemy that chooses its own time to attack – it is out of our hands. All we can do is try and attack back when this anxiety strikes – and those little white tablets are the best weapons I know. I simply have to face this battle again because I cannot and will not be beaten by anxiety and its evil offspring depression and panic.

So, folks, I will be talking my first tablet again tonight.

I have been give packs of 5mgs to start for the first week but the doc said I could go straight to 10mg (the usual dose) if I needed to. All I am trying to do now is remember the side effects of old. I recall the night-time sweats (lovely), the curious case of yawning a lot (an odd feeling) and the rather depressing thought that you do tend to feel somewhat worse before feeling better (yippee!). There is also the ‘male problem’ which I am too embarrassed to talk about here but which is a bit of a drag to be honest.

Beyond that I can’t remember much (which is probably a good thing) but what I do remember and what I WILL remember is that the side effects prove something is happening to our bodies/mind – and if we want the meds to work we have to accept that they have their own path to follow.

So this is the last time I will be writing when I am not on the meds. I am feeling OK and I am feeling positive about the whole process and I feel sure this will be a change for the good.

Let the battle commence.

[Pdubya86]

Good luck and well done for biting the bullet and heading back to the doc's.
I'm intrigued by meds. I have been suffering from anxiety for a few months now and am wondering if this is the way forward for me also.

I'll keep a keen eye on this thread.

[KK77]

Well done for starting this Raven.

Side effects do pass (well most of them) and the "male" problem is something we've talked about a lot here so don't be shy lol.

Good luck with it - hope you feel better soon.

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day One - May 13, 2010

Well, I am up and running - although to be fair I nearly didn't do it.

After my visit to the dox yesterday I drove home taking great comfort from the fact that I had my prescription nestled neatly by my side. I felt like I was doing something positive to fight this thing and felt really good as a result.

So good in fact that last night I felt fine. My anxiety was all but gone, my depressive thoughts subsided and there was not a hint of panic as I talked to people. 'Hey, I'm not that bad after all' I thought. 'Who needs those darned tablets with their side effects? I just won't bother' I boldy decided.

And then ....the morning arrived. All that bubbling excitement that maybe even paying for the prescription alone had done the trick simply evaporated. By the time I got into work for a not particularly stressful looking day (Thursdays aren't by and large) I was a mass of anxious thoughts again. And so by lunchtime I realised that last night was NOT my normal, resting state at the moment - what I felt this morning actually is.

So, taking advantage of the fact that I only live about 20 minutes from the office by car I said I needed to pop home at lunch to pick up a report and at 1.15 I took my first 5mg tablet to begin my med (Cipralex) journey again.

I confess I stared at that tablet for some time before taking it because I have been on them (on and off) for the best part of what, four or five years now, and I really thought they were a part of my past. But anxiety is a cruel deceiver which cons you it has left and the reality is it can hit you when you are least expecting it. That is what has happened again this time - and I'm not having it!

Sometimes you just can't make it on your own and this is my 'sometimes' again I'm afraid. No, I am not happy to be back on meds but then again I hate anxiety/depression and panic far more than I hate medication and so I have to do what I have to do.

Right, I'm fully four hours into my treatment then and not a miracle cure in sight.

What is wrong with these tablets????!!!

Thanks for reading.

Sam (The Raven)

[newbie76]

Good luck Sam!

I am on week 4 today of Cipralex and although I started to feel better (after feeling MUCH WORSE!) after about 2 weeks, I am definitely not out of the woods yet.

I still wake up way too early, anxious and shifting in bed and unless I keep myself busy during the day I feel my anxiety creeping back. I had a few days holiday this week and I felt I was heading back to were I started from, so I was funnily glad to be back at work! How sad!

So I am in a bit of a limbo: I really want this med to work for me, but reading other people experience I feel I should be feeling much better than this after a month being on it!

I really don't want to switch and wait another month before starting to feel better on a different medication, so I am hanging on a bit longer...

Hope it goes better for you.

Great Thread!

[The Raven]

Hey Newbie,

Thanks for the comments - and I understand all of them.

As you can see I have been on this path before and all I would say is stick with it. They do say it takes 4-6 weeks for Cipralex to really start to 'kick in' - although it is sometimes much less for people. I found that it was around the month mark myself when I noticed longer periods without the constant knot in my stomach and edge-of-the-seat tension which always symbolises my anxiety and you are probably heading in the right direction.

I agree about the holiday thing by the way. At the moment I am counting the minutes until the weekend when I am not at work so I can 'escape' but I know when I am at home I will have more time to brood and that makes you anxious and restless too. Cruel and confusing hey?

Keep in touch...and keep believing.

Sam

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Two - May 14, 2010

Well, I am up and running - two tablets down and my first big hurdle mounted.

Side effects vary for everyone of course but I was surprised how quickly they kicked in for me after just my first tablet.

Within just a few hours of taking the tablet at lunchtime I had that strange 'empty legs' feeling where your legs feel a bit loose and disconnected (does anyone know what I mean?). Then as I hit the bed last night some more tablet-induced changes occurred.

The sweats arrived, the mass yawning began and when I woke up this morning after a pretty intense sleep I felt wide awake - even though it was really early. All of these are factors I remembered from before so I wasn't totally surprised - apart from how quickly I was experiencing them.

And the hurdle to mount? Well, I had to talk this morning at a pretty important meeting. When my anxiety/panic is at its height as it is now this is a BIG thing for me and although I can happily join in cross-table debates it is the bit where they go round the table and you are put on the spot and have to speak for yourself that I always dread. All eyes are one you and that is scary for most people, most of the time I imagine. When you are anxious that fear goes through the roof.

Well, I got through it (despite thinking 'I am gonna fail, I am gonna fail' just seconds before) and, as always happens when you have a victory in the anxiety war you feel so much better as a result. We must count and remember every win in my opinion - however minor. And today depsite virtually three hours of anxiety preparing for just a five minute 'solo' spot I got through it - and yes that is a victory.

Right, the weekend now beckons and after being introduced for a couple of days back to my 5g I will probably up it to 10 (the proper dose). Double trouble!

Will keep you posted....

Sam

[alwaysanxious]

i read this and it made me cry im so so confused i was kind of looking forward to startinmg mine in a way and again now im not!!!!! sos orry raven (sam) that youve been brave enough to stop them half way thru treatment i do remeber going on cipralex in 2003 i had a full nervouse breakdown and my god they started me on 10mg i thought i was dying but i was so ill almost like a shell.. well this time around ive had alot of stress this past year and all ov a sudden panic attacks and anxiety has crept up on me last week i was so ill with it i thought i waqs going in hospital again so when i decided to go to the docts and ask for my tablets again after having been off them for a year... but this week ive been normal no panics no anxiety and im thinking hey im ok i dont need them, but long term i think i do .. maybe because u went on 5mg then couple days later on 10mg u had double the wammy ,, im that scared ive been prescribed 10mg and was gona take just half ov that as u know u can break them in half then i thought why dont i have half ov a half for a week then a half the next week then 10mg what do you think anyone can answer that 1 if you r reading this ???????? im thinking the less tablet in the less side effect start low n slow maybe thats what im thinking at the minuit would like some advice please ???? im sorry if i sound desperate to any 1 its just i am ..... lisa x

[newbie76]

Hi Lisa,

I am sorry Sam's post made you worry. As you know, we all react differently to the medicines, so you may not experience the increased anxiety that Sam and I had. There is no way of forecasting it.

Taking half of a half (that would be 2.5mg) might work, but in my case I wanted to feel better soon, so I preferred to start on 10mg. and bear the consequences in view of feeling better faster.

If you are ok in waiting a while longer for the medicine to start having a positive impact on you, then by all means start with 2.5mg on the first week, then 5mg and then 10mg, however make sure you keep your doctor informed and do follow his advice as I am not a doctor (disclaimer! ).

Easier said than done I know, but try not to be so apprehensive about the medicine. If you start it and the try to analyse yourself every 5 minutes to see if your anxiety is increasing, it probably will! Take your pill and keep yourself busy (that's why I did not want to take any time off work when I started), distraction for me was the best coping tecnique.

I truly wish you all the best and keep us posted: I know tomorrow is day 0 for you!

Marco.

[The Raven]

My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(Update and message to Lisa and Marco)

Hey Lisa and Marco,

Thank you so much for both of your posts.

Lisa, I am really sorry if I made things worse for you - it was the last thing on earth I would want to do.

I wasn't sure even if I should write anything here when I decided to put the tablets on hold in case it created such a reaction but I felt above all we have to be honest with each other on this site.

We sometimes have to ‘pretend’ to others about our problems (sadly I do it all the time) but there are no secrets here and I wanted to be as up front as possible about my decision as I had made such a public statement with the diary.

As it is Lisa I am still not sure if I have/am doing the right doing by stopping the tablets because just as last week (when I was taking the tablets) seemed pretty horrible so does this week (when I am not).

I have had a couple of reasonable periods but far, far more chunks of bad ones (like just about the whole of yesterday for instance) and I know that whatever is or isn’t happening with my tablets, my anxiety/depression/panic is really powerful at the moment and cannot and will not be ignored. It has manifested itself this week in just as much nervousness, self-doubt and lethargy as I felt last week when I tried to blame the Cipralex so maybe that says a lot.

The truth is the last couple of weekends particularly haven’t been good for me so I will see how this one pans out before deciding whether to re-start my tablets again. I guess like us all we just keep hoping that one day we will wake up feeling so much better but with the various things going on in my life at the moment I have to accept that the 'miracle cure' just isn’t going to happen - I just need to decide if I am best to take the prescription I was given and let the tablets help me or try and fight it on my own.

So yes, Lisa, I am still confused but the truth is this is a problem with me – not with the tablets.

As for your situation, I can totally understand your fears about starting again but it really may not be as bad as you fear. What Marco says – and oh how I admire Marco for his positivity and good sense - is that if you keep analysing yourself and your feelings you will see your anxiety increasing anyway so if and when you take the tablets try as hard as you can to not interpret every action or reaction you feel. As you can see in my earlier posts I found that difficult to do – 'I am feeling worse is the Cipralex'? 'I am feeling better is it the Cipralex'? – and that is what led to my confusion but it is entirely possible you will start the tablets and have far, far less side effects than others experience and you mayb be pleasantly surprised. In addition – and it is one thing I did keep telling myself – side effects are proof of ‘something’ happening and that is what we all want ultimately.

Lisa, the truth is the only way to discover if these tablets can help you is to start them. Yes, I did and stopped but that may just be temporary and this is entirely a personal decision – we all have our own paths to tread and what may work for one of us may not for another.

Anxiety really is vile isn’t it – it even causes us all heightened anxiety worrying how to deal with it.

Marco can I just re-iterate again how grateful I am for your support, your understanding and your wise words of advice. The fact that you have battled through the early difficult weeks and are now sounding so strong is a great encouragement to me. Please keep us all posted about your progress. How are you at the moment for instance?

And Lisa we are here for you. You may be 'alwaysanxious' but we are 'alwayshere'.

Kind regards

Sam (The Raven)