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Thread: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

  1. #21
    Join Date
    May 2010
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    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
    (June 13 - 31 days since first Cipralex tablet)

    Hello again,

    Sorry I have been away for 11 days but I do intend to keep coming back on here because someone/somewhere may (one day) relate to some of this and find it useful.

    It may even be me in the future thinking about it!

    Brief summary...


    I started a diary here to record my 3rd/4th bout of talking Cipralex after anxiety/panic and depression hit me hard again after a long period of calm.

    Anxiety doesn't need a reason to be your enemy but this time I had one - the break up of my marriage - and as I allowed my defences to slip in popped the DAP (depression, anxiety, panic) in all its, ahem, glory. So I popped to the doctors he gave me my 'usual' prescription and I reluctantly began the meds trail again. After just a week, however, I stopped. The side effects were worse than I recalled but I was also touched with a new and previously unseen question - i.e I kept asking myself do I really need the meds this time, could I not try and beat this horrible thing on my own?

    It was the toughest of tough calls but I decided to stop the meds - while keeping the tablets close to me in case I changed my mind. I decided I wanted to give the non-meds route a real go. Could it work? Can I floor the DAP without the pills that have helped me so much in the past? Or was I just bing niave?

    Well, to be honest, the jury is still out. I haven't taken the tablets again yet - something I can feel some pride in I guess - but it has been a pretty bumpy ride. Yes, I have had good periods and sometimes good days but I have had longer periods of bad stuff and the constant feeling of anxiety and the depressive thoughts are still there in abundance. Especially in the mornings (will do a separate general thread on that I think).

    I am off work now for a week and I guess this will be interesting. Although work is a real source of increased panic at times I find that being at home can be equally nerve-wracking for different reasons so I will see how I cope this week without work before once again asking myself the question 'to med or not to med'.

    It seems ironic coming back onto the diary this time on the 31st day since I took my first pill because in my experience Cipralex really starts to improve life after the fourth week and by now I suppose it could be making me feel better had I carried on. Have I made a mistake in not sticking with it or have I taken a bold step to try and not become dependent on a pill that has really helped me in the past? I wish I knew and I guess there is a waiting game now.

    Anyway, as I have said before, I don't want my experience to influence any one's situation because just as we are all different we all react to meds differently. But I just wanted to be honest and up front with this diary and tell it like it is warts and all.

    My anxiety is still there in abundance but I still have something inside me fighting the (inevitable?) meds course. While I still have that fight I will try my best to resist but who knows what the next few days will bring?

    Good luck to everyone in whatever stage they are at with their medication/anxiety battles. It's a lonely old battle isn't it but at least this site proves we are not alone.


    Kind regards

    Sam

  2. #22
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
    (June 29 - 47 days since first Cipralex tablet)

    Hello again,

    I won't repeat all my 'story' again (it is summarised in the above entry) but in the more than two weeks since I last wrote I am afraid to say that I appear to be losing my determined battle not to use the meds to beat my ever-invasive problems with DAP (depression, anxiety and panic).

    As some of you may have read I made the bold/stupid/brave/crazy decision to stop the meds I had been prescribed for this my 3rd/4th perioid of DAP because I had a roughish start in terms of side effects during week one but I also had a genuine question mark about whether or not I could beat this on my own.

    'Something' nagged at me that if I stayed strong I may emerge triumphant but, sadly, that something isn't nagging as much now and I feel sort of defeated. And that in itself is making the DAP worse of course.

    I have had a bit of time off since I last wrote but that hasn't helped at all to be honest and all it has meant is that I have come back to more work and I find tackling it to be really difficult. I have a horrible feeling I am letting people down workwise and I hate that.

    So, yes, I am in a bad place to be honest (and blimey if I can't be honest here where can I be???) and I need to make the decision now I think to do something about it and look again at those pills in my draw.

    I said in an earlier post that I had said to DAP 'you have had my May, I am claiming back June' and this lifted my spirits at the time but the truith is that as June gets ready to end I have to admit she/he/it won this month's battle as well.

    I just don't think I am therefore strong enough to take a non-med route anymore. I think I will have to concede defeat - an honourable one done for the right intentions I think - because I can't really take this any more.

    So at this precise moment therefore it looks like I will be writing my diary of the meds again soon. Lordy, lordy.

    Wish me luck friends and thanks for reading... will be back soon with an update.

    Sam

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    1,717

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    Sorry you're not doing so well, Sam. Please try not to see this as a defeat. You bravely tried something and it didn't come off. Sometimes there's a strength needed to admit you need help, too. I can only wish you all the best x

  4. #24

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    Hi Sam,

    I have been reading you posts with interest as my (now ex) BF also suffers with Depression/anxiety/panic and has been on 20mg Cipralex for 5 weeks now. Unfortunately he has chosen to battle this without me by his side and has returned to his parents.. his 'safe' place.

    I am sure you will find the strength to see this through, you have previously and won!

    In my eyes it takes a very strong person to deal with this and an even stronger one to accept they sometimes need a little helping hand, be that meds & therapy... along with a good support system of loving friends and family.

    Like myself they may not fully understand your struggle, having never had to deal with it however given the chance I am sure they will come out fighting for you!

    I wish you all the best and I cannot express enough how much your diaries have helped me to understand just a little what this DAP is all about.

    I look forward to hearing about you feeling stronger soon.

    Supporter

  5. #25
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
    (June 30 - 48 days since first Cipralex tablet)


    First off to Jane C/The Supporter can I just say thank you so much for your very kind words above. They mean a lot and it is generous of you to offer such support. I am genuinely touched.

    As for me, well I came close to (re)taking my pill again last night but didn't and I did the same thing this morning because my negative feelings are pretty overwhelming.

    I have to do a bit of a 'talk' in the morning which I can't avoid so I may get that out of the way and then start the pills straight after. If I do I will take it slowly this time - 5mg every other day for a week possibly rather than plunging straight into 10mg in two days.

    I just feel I need to do something because at the moment my mind is totally taking over my body. I feel totally and utterly lost and totlaly wrapped up in myself which I hate. This is a really selfish problem isn't it - it takes over your mind so much.

    As for my side effects fears, the weird thing is I just looked back at a previous entry and saw the things I said were 'side effects' from retaking the Cip - decreased appetite, lack of energy, low motivation, hiding etc - are still all with me now in abundance so perhaps I blamed the pills for what was just my anxiety/depression symptoms anyway? None of those things have gone away so the side effects may have just heightned them as we know can happen.

    Ah well, another non-meds day looms. A day when I put on the 'mask' to the outside world while feeling the turmoil within. But perhaps this will be the last day before I begin that meds journey again? I have tried to avoid it but I have failed.

    This is a cruel cruel 'disease' isn't it friends?

    Sam

  6. #26
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
    (July 1 - 49 days since first Cipralex tablet)


    Blimey this is confusing.

    Totally unexpectedly I am probably having my best day in ages. It's ironic but I can't remember feeling this strong since the first day of the previous month.

    It has not been anxiety-free (oh no, far too much to ask) but I have made myself really busy due to work circumstances and have not had much time to indulge in the self-analysis that sadly characterises my DAP (depresion, anger and panic) when I let it.

    I have often said to myself that 'laziness is the food that feeds my DAP' because when I do nothing (and that is usually because I just don't have the energy to do anything) I feel much worse.

    Today I made myself so busy that DAP hasn't had a look in.

    I am aware, however, that anxiety and its friends are cruel deceivers. I have had good (ish) days before in my non-med state and just when I started to think 'maybe...just maybe' the DAP has come back twice as hard. Therefore at this moment I am not going to take my pill again today which seemed like an inevitability yesterday (and the hellish day before) and I will see what tomorrow brings. DAP could be ready to put the boot in again come tomorrow but hey, I will take this day of relatively low anxiety.

    So I 'won' the first day of June and I am winning the first day of July as well. Go on July 2 - what have you got in store?

    Kind regards

    Sam

    PS I may put up that 'laziness is the food.... thing' on a separate thread in case it triggers with anyone else.

  7. #27
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    May 2010
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    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
    (July 2 - 50 days since first Cipralex tablet)

    And.....we are back down again.

    As you can see in the above post I had a good day yesterday where I was busy and buzzing. Secretly you ask yourself those five key words againb 'is THIS the turning point?' but as I said in my entry above I know that anxiety likes to play mind games with you and it can never, ever be trusted. It lets you have a good day and then - wham.

    Today started off well enough and I thought 'I'm alright...I'm coping' but this afternoon has arrived and I have a mountain to do and I just can't face doing any of it. It all just looks beyond me and that 'laziness is the food for anxiety' I wrote about is coming home to roost again. The more I avoid doing what I need to do the more anxious I am feeling.

    Blimey this sucks.

    Tablet time? I just don't know....

    Thanks for reading my invisible cyber friends.

    Regards

    Sam

  8. #28
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    May 2010
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    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
    (July 5 - 1 days since first Cipralex tablet)


    Right, well the title of this section should tell you all you need to know if have have read previous posts.
    Last night, after a pretty tough week, I decided that my five week (?) long experiment of not taking the prescribed meds to deal with my anxiety/depression and panic and seeing if I could just beat it on my own hadn't been a success.

    I really wanted to try and do it and I have had good days and good periods but the underlining problems simply haven't shifted.

    At the end of last week I had the busy, buzzing day I referred to in an earlier post and at the weekend I had a couple of very nice things happen personally but even with these strong rays of sunshine the darkness continued and I just know that fighting back in my own strength and/or wishful thinking just isn't enough at the moment.

    So last night I took my first pill again - 5mg. I think when I restarted the course (which is where this diary began) I started too quickly having been told to do 5mg for a week and then 10mg. Instead I went to 10mg within a couple of days out of impatience and my body reacted in a way that made the side effects worse than I remember. For some 10mg or 20 from the off seems fine - for me it was too much too soon. So I am pacing myself this week - 5mg every other day, 5mg a day from the weekend and then 10mg at the end of the following week.

    So how do I feel about it all? Well I can't pretend I am not disappointed that the feeling I had that this time I was going to beat it alone wasn't the case but at least now I feel as if I am doing something which should hopefully lift the spirits.

    I am not exactly thrilled at the thought of side effects (I mean do we need any more reasons to sweat in sweltering Britain at the moment??!!) but as I know I will tell this diary time and time again side effects prove something is happening. And I do need something to happen.

    Wish me well - and whatever happens I will be back to record it . Warts and all.

    Thanks for reading - and good luck to everyone whatever battle they face.

    Kind regards

    Sam

  9. #29
    Join Date
    May 2005
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    , , United Kingdom.
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    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    Hi there Sam,

    Been reading your posts with interest as 3 weeks ago I made the horribly difficult decision to try the meds again.

    I am 36, had my first bout of bad anxiety 4 years ago, and 40mg of Citalopram really helped me.

    I've been feeling ill again since August 2009, and it is definitely time to stop struggling and see if I can get some relief from the medication. My first week was 10mg, my second week 20mg and my third week 30mg. I am thinking of going back up to the 40mg this week because so far no improvement, and actually yesterday I had my worse day yet.

    I'm convinced that much of the problems we face are due to an over sensitised nervous system, rather than true embedded "mental illness". When we are able to calm the nervous system down, we can begin to feel better because we get a proper rest. The medication really helps with this, and with this condition we should be glad that there IS something out there that helps. People even 20 years ago weren't so lucky, before the development of these SSRI drugs.

    Anyway, that is how I justify it to myself. I just need to feel a bit better to be able to carry on with my life. Hopefully when I get back up to 40mg, in a few weeks, I will see some improvement.

    Be well and take care,
    Gareth
    __________________
    *** I think, therefore I\'m anxious ***

  10. #30
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Posts
    55

    Re: My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.

    Thanks Gareth for your kind comments and I think you talk a lot of sense.

    I often wonder what it must have been like for people with our sort of problems years ago before they were probably even recognised as actual problems. It must have been hellish so if we in the 21st Century do have the chance to take meds that may make us better then we should do I guess.

    I really wrestled against it this time as you can see on this thread but I haven't got 'better' and if you think about it none of us would think twice about getting a crutch if we had problems with our legs so why do we try and fight an invisible illness without the 'crutch' of medication that can (and in my experience) does work?

    I have only taken one small tablet so far on my new 'campaign' (I am going in very gently this time) and I know I need to reset my mind to how it was before - that these tablets are my friend not my enemy. They can and will help. I know I just have to keep believing.

    Thanks again for your words Gareth - I will be back with a diary post in the next couple of days hopefully.

    Sam

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