Citalopram diary

[Oddfish]

Well as if by magic I've just got two more outright rejections, including the job I spent 12 hours applying for. This has sent me right back to where I was before I started on the citalopram. I've been crying for the last hour. I totally lost it when the last email came through and started yelling and throwing things and knocking things off the tables . Now I'm embarrased because the neighbours will have heard. I feel like I just can't take it any more. Right at this moment I don't feel like life has anything good to offer me. I'm back in the dark place. I just feel like you never get anything back for your efforts, so what's the point? What's the point in anything?

[Oddfish]

Ok, I've had time to calm down now. If I can take anything positive from this it is that I have uncovered my acute trigger. It's clear to me now that my biggest source of anxiety and depression is fear of rejection. I have only properly applied for 4 jobs so far. I got an interview for one but didn't know it (unfortunate), I pulled out of another and I've been rejected for two today. It's ridiculous, but just those two rejections have set me off. The reason I am finding it so hard to face job hunting is the fear of rejections. It must be a self esteem and confidence issue. I don't want to apply because I can't face being rejected. Well I'm happy I've worked this out. If I can nail this issue then I should feel a lot better about things. I mean I know I'm gonna have to get used to it! Suppose I've never really been rejected that often before. That's why it's so tough.

[YvonneBelle]

I just wrote you a reply and bloody lost it!!! Arghhh!

Long story short - work-shmirk. There's always another job but only ONE you, so look after yourself and don't take it personally! You are one of many applicants - they are just looking for the closest fit and it's an employers' market out there right now. They are just being choosy, it's no reflection on you as a person or what you are capable of. Competition is fierce. Just think - your loss is someone else's gain this time and that's good for them but your turn will come - promise! Just keep trying and you will win. Never give up, I've been there and one day the tide will turn in your favour and you will be the perfect candidate.

[Oddfish]

Thanks for the support. I know I'm being pathetic, but I've never been unemployed before and I'm having a hard time with it all. I've been lucky enough to have quite a stable life so far but that still didn't stop me worrying about things. Now that I really have something to worry about my anxiety has shot into orbit! I'm just rubbish at dealing with uncertainty. I wish I could just stay calm like 'normal' people instead of catastrophising. I just want to be able to function without my anxiety taking over.

[Oddfish]

Well I have had a bad bad bad couple of days. I knew I felt down first thing on Friday then the job rejections tipped me over the edge. I felt just as bad yesterday...very anxious and very depressed. I did a bad thing and drank the best part of a bottle of wine in the afternoon. It was blatant escapism and as I can't handle my drink I got very drunk but, of course, it just made me feel even worse. I felt so wretched when I started to sober up, but I just felt like I wanted to obliterate my horrible feelings.

Today has been a little better. I was volunteering as a marshal at the charity sunwalk so that got me out of the house and it was good to feel part of something.

[Oddfish]

Bad day again. I dared to try job hunting again and faced with the usual raft of "you must be a qualified X, or you must have passed exams in Y" I burst into tears. I just feel so angry that employers are so blooming particular these days. Fair enough for very specialised jobs but these jobs are NOT specialised. They are jobs that anyone with half a brain cell could do! I don't understand why it has gone this way. It seems that for any job there will only be about 2 people IN THE UNIVERSE who match the criteria. Lucky them. I was one of those when I got my last job, but HATED that job. Didn't even want it in the first place - only went for it because I knew it was the only stupid thing I could get, and now I'm not taking too kindly to saying "hello, I've got two degrees and 12 years work experience, can I sweep your floors?" "Sorry, not unless you have your 3 year diploma in dust management" Aaaaargh! Wondering whether to go on a higher dose of citalopram. Been fine but this last week my anxiety and anger has gone through the roof!

[Oddfish]

Hooray for the arrival of periods! Have realised that the week before I get very depressed, angry and teary. Citalopram has no effect what so ever at these times and I've felt awful. My period started yesterday. I felt a bit better...not depressed, but very anxious and nervy.

[ewood79]

whats the highest dose of Cipramil someone is on???

[Oddfish]

Went to the Sunderland air show yesterday. Always a good day out, but I struggled a bit. For a start it took me ages to persuade myself to go. Instead of just going, I always seem to get an internal dialogue that says "Right, I'll go...oh I'm not that bothered...no I'm definitely going...oh it's too much hassel I'd rather stay here etc." Very annoying, as half the time I do give up and stay . It's not anxiety, just apathy and loss of motivation, even to do fun things.

The event was very busy. I'm not anxious in big crowds but I do get overwhelmed and annoyed. I also got that horrible feeling of everybody looking at me. It was chronic after I accidentally walked into a huge and very obvious blocked off section of the beach and an official came running to move me out. I felt like everyone (all 500,000 spectators!) had observed my stupidity. Going back was like a walk of shame!

Next I got a good vantage point on some rocks but the coastguard came along and moved everyone off as the tide was coming in. I got angry! Hate being told what to do. Hated myself for not noticing that the tide was on it's way in, but was pretty sure my rock would have remained above the tide line.

Back on top there was no space left and I couldn't get a good view. I was feeling stroppy and defeated and almost walked away without even having seen any of the planes. I did stay, and although I enjoyed the displays I couldn't stop my mind racing. I kept looking at people passing by, wondering about their lives, do they ever get depression or anxiety, how do they all seem so normal and happy?, interspersed with panic about being unemployed, being single and feeling worthless.